When you started Creighton charting, you probably thought your instructor was crazy, and possible a horrible person for asking you to abstain from marital relations for 1 month (cycle) so you could observe without any confusion. I hear so many people that hate the suggestion to abstain, and just refuse to abstain. We were one of the compliant couples and did abstain, for the cycle, which lasted oh... about 50 days.. or so.. in asking us to abstain, the instructor, mentioned that it would be a good lesson for future use in our marriage. Little did we know..
For medical reasons, in our recent pregnancy, we were asked to abstain. Initially we thought it would be just the first trimester, which turned into the second, then the third and then top it off with the 6 week postpartum period. We will survive and yes we are still happily married. ( at blog publish date, we are 4 weeks postpartum).
So in Creighton, we learned about SPICE. This was one of the tools we used, to live through the 10 or so months of abstaining.
so SPICE is:
Spiritual , Physical, Intellectual, Communicative, Emotional.
Your marriage needs to include all aspects of SPICE. Easier said than done. Right!
Most people equate Love only to the physical part of their relationship, and forget the other aspects of their relationship. A marriage should be much more than just the between the sheets.
So how SPICE worked for us.
So spiritually, we needed to make sure we always kept God at the forefront during all of this. I make sure I keep up my rosary, and attending daily mass when possible. If we had issues, we made sure to always be talking/praying to God about them. Attending mass together as a married couple.
Intellectually, I think we engaged each other, by reading and taking our birth class, which kept us very engaged and in discussion with each other. For some others, this might be doing bible study together, reading together, playing games, or watching movies.
So how did we express our love without being able to 'physically' express love, in the physical sense most people think of; to each other? So when I think of physically I think of doing something for my spouse.
Your marriage needs to include all aspects of SPICE. Easier said than done. Right!
Most people equate Love only to the physical part of their relationship, and forget the other aspects of their relationship. A marriage should be much more than just the between the sheets.
So how SPICE worked for us.
So spiritually, we needed to make sure we always kept God at the forefront during all of this. I make sure I keep up my rosary, and attending daily mass when possible. If we had issues, we made sure to always be talking/praying to God about them. Attending mass together as a married couple.
Intellectually, I think we engaged each other, by reading and taking our birth class, which kept us very engaged and in discussion with each other. For some others, this might be doing bible study together, reading together, playing games, or watching movies.
So how did we express our love without being able to 'physically' express love, in the physical sense most people think of; to each other? So when I think of physically I think of doing something for my spouse.
So one langurage of love in our house is food. It might have been getting dressed up & going out to dinner. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, not having to cook, was a big love language. Helping out with the chores around the house, emptying the dishwasher, folding the laundry, clean sheets on the bed, making a special treat for the other, for hubs it was a favorite dessert, or meal, for me, might have been a special GF/DF/sugar free treat. I make some killer brownies & cupcakes.
Maybe your love language is bringing home some flowers, lighting some candles, putting on some special music. We also would leave cards or simple notes out for each other. I would also come home to a fire in the fireplace, or firepit outside. This was special, because I knew these were made just for me. We have been married for 8 years, so we know what triggers a response from the other spouse, which also means we know what we have to avoid, to not cause stimulation that would not be healthy for either of us. Hugs, can't say enough for a daily hug & a kiss.
Another way "we" could share, physically would be a light touch massage, like shoulders, or feet; we bought a nice bottle of lavendar massage oil to aid in the act. For us, this was as much physical contact we could handle without too much temptation. My husband usually benefited on massages, I've had a little more training, in that arena. He was not able to reciprocate as much, as it would cause too much stimulation for him. Their may have been a few of the famous "Duggar" side hugs to avoid the temptations of a regular hug..
Communicative, I know that if hubs isn't talking, that something is wrong, and the same for me. We have this subtle reminder in our bedroom. "Always Kiss Each other good night " I make it a priority every night to make sure I go to bed with him even if 5 minutes. ( Depending on the time of year, he works wonky schedules, based on the sunrise/sunset ) I am a night owl, I am most productive after 10pm . I make a point to lay with him in bed & just talk about the day what was good/bad, we would talk to David together, but it was just some time for us; and no pressure for "relations". Talk talk talk, can not say enough about talking to each other. Communication is a 2 way street. Both parties need to be communicative.
Emotionally I also needed to be attentive to my husband, so much of what we went through was wrapped around my needs, but I needed to remember to focus on him & incorporating him into what was going on. David did not like to kick on command, so hubs could feel him, so I tried to encourage him to just sit beside me and feel and just savor these moments. I needed my husband to be emotionally present in the every day, I needed him to be the stronger person; so many times I felt weak and I needed him to be the shoulder that I could cry on. We need reminders to compliment each other and support each other.
So beyond SPICE, we tried to be more attentive to each others needs, more dinners out, movie watching, drives in the car.
While perusing Elizabeth International's Blog, I found a quote from a Dr. John Gottman:
Gottman says that couples who have happy marriages, “turn towards” their partner 90% of the time, that is, they show some sort of interest in what their partner is saying and they take that opportunity to connect. If partners don’t react and ignore the bid for connection, or worse, if they respond negatively, the relationship will most likely fail, due to the partners not meeting the emotional bids of one another. If the partners learn that their bids for connection will be rarely met, the relationship will likely deteriorate into one of hostility and distrust.
This encompasses so many of the SPICE fundamentals.. ...I think most important, communication.
Maybe your love language is bringing home some flowers, lighting some candles, putting on some special music. We also would leave cards or simple notes out for each other. I would also come home to a fire in the fireplace, or firepit outside. This was special, because I knew these were made just for me. We have been married for 8 years, so we know what triggers a response from the other spouse, which also means we know what we have to avoid, to not cause stimulation that would not be healthy for either of us. Hugs, can't say enough for a daily hug & a kiss.
We keep old cards, from holidays( like Valentines day), when we need a reminder or kindling of old times, I may set one out as a reminder of our love. Some years, they may have been funny, some years more lovey & serious.
Another way "we" could share, physically would be a light touch massage, like shoulders, or feet; we bought a nice bottle of lavendar massage oil to aid in the act. For us, this was as much physical contact we could handle without too much temptation. My husband usually benefited on massages, I've had a little more training, in that arena. He was not able to reciprocate as much, as it would cause too much stimulation for him. Their may have been a few of the famous "Duggar" side hugs to avoid the temptations of a regular hug..
Communicative, I know that if hubs isn't talking, that something is wrong, and the same for me. We have this subtle reminder in our bedroom. "Always Kiss Each other good night " I make it a priority every night to make sure I go to bed with him even if 5 minutes. ( Depending on the time of year, he works wonky schedules, based on the sunrise/sunset ) I am a night owl, I am most productive after 10pm . I make a point to lay with him in bed & just talk about the day what was good/bad, we would talk to David together, but it was just some time for us; and no pressure for "relations". Talk talk talk, can not say enough about talking to each other. Communication is a 2 way street. Both parties need to be communicative.
Emotionally I also needed to be attentive to my husband, so much of what we went through was wrapped around my needs, but I needed to remember to focus on him & incorporating him into what was going on. David did not like to kick on command, so hubs could feel him, so I tried to encourage him to just sit beside me and feel and just savor these moments. I needed my husband to be emotionally present in the every day, I needed him to be the stronger person; so many times I felt weak and I needed him to be the shoulder that I could cry on. We need reminders to compliment each other and support each other.
So beyond SPICE, we tried to be more attentive to each others needs, more dinners out, movie watching, drives in the car.
While perusing Elizabeth International's Blog, I found a quote from a Dr. John Gottman:
Gottman says that couples who have happy marriages, “turn towards” their partner 90% of the time, that is, they show some sort of interest in what their partner is saying and they take that opportunity to connect. If partners don’t react and ignore the bid for connection, or worse, if they respond negatively, the relationship will most likely fail, due to the partners not meeting the emotional bids of one another. If the partners learn that their bids for connection will be rarely met, the relationship will likely deteriorate into one of hostility and distrust.
This encompasses so many of the SPICE fundamentals.. ...I think most important, communication.
I was the one more vocal about being ultra hormonal about abstaining. I felt that it didn't make me feel womanly, and sexy. I would try to push the envelope and see if I could break my husband and get him to cave. He was much stronger than I. He would remind me that we were doing ( abstaining) for David. Whoever says that men are the weaker sex, don't know my hubs. Remember mutual respect is key in any marriage.
So when the time comes to exit the desert . . . . Don't rush back into things.
I can tell you I already went shopping for something special to celebrate, for when we make our first trip out of the desert. I won't jump the gun though. I know it will never be taken for granted ever, heck it might not even happen the first night. I kinda hope it's like our wedding night all over again, maybe just a little less alcohol in me.
I can tell you I already went shopping for something special to celebrate, for when we make our first trip out of the desert. I won't jump the gun though. I know it will never be taken for granted ever, heck it might not even happen the first night. I kinda hope it's like our wedding night all over again, maybe just a little less alcohol in me.
