FCP training

Hello Blog-o-sphere

There is a fellow blogger Conceiving Hope who has signed up to become an FCP (Fertility Care Practioner)  . If you aren't familiar with Creighton/NaPro/ Fertility Care  you can visit  fertilitycare for more information .


If you fellow Creighton and IF ladies, can spare anything to help fund her training.  UPDATE: She has applied for a scholarship, and was granted $1000, she still needs to cover $4000 to make the training happen. She has a  "Donate" button located on the right side of her blog, if you are able, please do so.  She's put some updates in the com box of how much has been raised so far.

This blogger, is always willing to pray for you or take your intentions, hit her up in the "contact me" link.  How great is that..

I want you all to know that this post was unsolicited by this blogger, I am posting, because I truly believe training to become a FCP is a gift. Not all of us possess that gift, I know I  myself, could not go thru the grueling training, nor devote the proper time to that mission. When I see someone that I truly believe will make a difference in other peoples lives, I firmly believe we need to support them.

Shadow boxes for my boys

So yesterday I talked about the craft projects I was going to start. Well the inspiration hit last night.

 

 

 

Andrew's

David's 

 

Both shadow boxes are both unique, because I have some similar, but some quite different momentos from both.

 

I picked out a long narrow shadow box for Andrew,  because I knew I had the gown he wore. I have the gown, because the funeral home, chose to take it off him before he was cremated. ( I appreciate they did it ). I do have a picture of him, but because he was so young, I chose not to put it in the shadow box; I guess because we haven't shared with many, and not the visual I want them to see. That's why the pictures of his hands will suffice for me. What's hard to see in the box. The tag from his bassinet, with his name, weight, height. His footprints. There is a white carnation in there, which were given out to everyone at the gravesite. The hat that adorned his head. There is also a bookmark in there, very hard to see in the picture; it says My Peace I give you. ( box size 10x20 )  His name are scrapbooking stickers, on some scrapbook paper.

There will probably be some changes to David's box before I put it up, I'm not happy with the size of the box I chose. I figured since I didn't have his outfit, I would go with a smaller box. Now I need to rethink that. It appears very crammed and muddled in it.

 

For David's box I have a picture of him, footprints, cross, various flowers from arrangements, his armband, hat ( it was the hospital hat that was too little for his big head ), I have a couple other things I couldn't fit in, like the shell we used for the holy water to baptize him. We don't have any of the clothes he wore, because they were not in condition to be saved. When I get the bigger box, I want to print a poem, and put his holy card in it. I also want to be able to put his name in it.. So a bigger box will be required. ( the current box is 8 x 10)

Nice thing about shadow boxes, is it's not cement. ?? Playing with this for the moment 

 

 

1 week

I have one week left of leave.

I've been trying to finish up a lot of loose ends. The dreaded taxes are done. Still have to take them in to the accountant for her to submit, but 99% in my book. 

Here is my accountability list, I made a couple of weeks ago, otherwise I would have spent my days, surfing the internet. 

So I guess we start in cleaning the pantry.  Ps I've started the flyer, just haven't had the time to sit down with the "boss" to go over it. 

So gracing my refrigerator are some new artwork from little Picasso. He calls these dot dot dot pictures . He's had a new one every time I visit him. 

Picasso 

So I didn't add any of my fun projects to the list. I have made a couple of adventurous trips to hobby lobby. Our first one just opened a month ago. 

So first up. 

Shadow boxes

I plan on making 2, one of Andrew stuff & one of David stuff. I have Andrews outfit he wore, I also have footprints from both, dries flowers, hats, pictures etc. 

Project 2 

Crosses, I was going to buy some with their names, but seeing as I have time, I'm going to try & remake what I've seen. 

 

 

That's the inspiration. 

This is the blank canvas 

The other blank canvas-- chipboard. I just need another trip to get the materials to put on it. 

 They will go on the wall. Are you ready people, I put more nails in the wall. Where I started putting some things up this week. 

At Peace

I started the day with morning mass..

Thank you for your prayers, I had my 6 week ( well 5 week ) follow up, with my doctor, following the stillbirth , full term at 37 weeks, of our son David.
The following will help with my longer explanation, further below. 

1 in 160 births end in stillbirth.  Approximately 26,000 stillbirths a year in the US. When you narrow it down, to hear that only 500 stillbirths happened,  in the state of Michigan last year. It doesn't sound like a lot,  but then also 500 too many. About 50% of stillbirths can be avoided,  by better care on the mothers part ( not smoking, better disease management)

What are the causes of stillbirth?

There are a number of known causes of stillbirth. Sometimes more than one of these causes may contribute to the baby’s death. Common causes include:

• Birth defects: About 15 to 20 percent of stillborn babies have one or more birth defects (1). At least, 20 percent of these have chromosomal disorders, such as Down syndrome (1). Others have other birth defects resulting from genetic, environmental or unknown causes.
• Placental problems: Placental problems cause about 25 percent of stillbirths (3). One of the most common placental problems is placental abruption. In this condition, the placenta peels away, partly to almost completely, from the uterine wall before delivery. It results in heavy bleeding that can threaten the life of mother and baby. Sometimes it can cause the fetus to die from lack of oxygen. Women who smoke cigarettes or use cocaine during pregnancy are at increased risk of placental abruption.
• Poor fetal growth: Fetuses who are growing too slowly are at increased risk of stillbirth. About 40 percent of stillborn babies have poor growth (2). Women who smoke cigarettes or have high blood pressure are at increased risk of having a baby that grows too slowly. An ultrasound examination during pregnancy can show that the fetus is growing poorly, allowing health care providers to carefully monitor the pregnancy.
• Infections: Infections involving the mother, fetus or placenta appear to cause about 10 to 25 percent of stillbirths (4, 5). Infections are an important cause of fetal deaths before 28 weeks of pregnancy (4). Some infections may cause no symptoms in the pregnant woman. These include genital and urinary tract infections and certain viruses, such as fifth disease (parvovirus infection). These infections may go undiagnosed until they cause serious complications, such as fetal death or preterm birth (before 37 weeks of pregnancy).
• Chronic health conditions in the pregnant woman: About 10 percent of stillbirths are related to chronic health conditions in the mother, such as high blood pressure, diabetes, kidney disease and thrombophilias (blood clotting disorders) (5). These conditions may contribute to poor fetal growth or placental abruption. Pregnancy-induced forms of high blood pressure (such as preeclampsia) also may increase the risk, especially when they recur in a second or later pregnancy (6).
• Umbilical cord accidents: Accidents involving the umbilical cord may contribute to about 2 to 4 percent of stillbirths (3). These include a knot in the cord or abnormal placement of the cord into the placenta. These can deprive the fetus of oxygen.
• UNKNOWN

Other causes of stillbirth include trauma (such as car accidents), postdate pregnancy (a pregnancy that lasts longer than 42 weeks), Rh disease (an incompatibility between the blood of mother and baby), and lack of oxygen (asphyxia) during a difficult delivery. These causes are uncommon.
Certain risk factors also are associated with stillbirth. Some of these include (1, 4, 5):

• Maternal age over 35
• Maternal obesity
• Multiple gestation (twins or more)
• African-American ancestry

A recent study found that African-American women had a two-fold increased risk of stillbirth compared to white women (7). It is not known why African-American women are at higher risk. The risk for Hispanic women was similar to that of non-Hispanic white women (7).

information courtesy of  the March of Dimes

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So the main purpose of a 6 week follow up is to see how the mother is physically doing. I passed all that stuff with flying colors. He said my episiotomy has healed near perfect. He said I can expect to see my return of fertility in 4-8 weeks. I should continue to monitor my NFP signs ( mucus ) to see when it returns.

So the big elephant in the room was the cause..
They did an autopsy, placenta and cord analysis but we have to leave this one to God. There was nothing found abnormal. We fall into the "Unknown" category.  I'll just call him one in a million. I'm not a math person, but million sounds like a good number to me.

I need to look up something call CVS.. ( mild-mild infection in David) .. treatment of it.. what it is.. nothing major to be concerned with. Explained to me as something that sets in after the baby dies..

I shared our pictures of David with Dr. G, it also allowed me to ask some questions. The reason  we could not bathe him? What I thought was vernix, was actually his skin peeling off. Had we bathed him, it could have got pretty bloody. He used a technical term, emaciated.  He said that also can give them an idea of how long he had been deceased. We didn't go into that. I guess there are plusses and minuses to delivering sooner than waiting, when you find out. We chose to wait a day and come back when we found out he had no heartbeat.

So what did we talk about for the rest of the hour.. ( yes he gave me an uninterrupted hour of his day ) 

We talked about the research I've done.. Dr. Toth for infections.. ( he had heard of him)  and Dr. Jason Collins -- Stillbirth research in Louisiana. 

We then talked about if to try again.. ( ultimately hubs & I need to discern ) no medical reason why we can't.  Then the next conversation: how long to wait to try again..  he listed the medical data, supporting waiting a year, 6 months ,and then 3  months.  Ultimately, we can't try until my cycle returns. After that it is truly up to us. He said I am in good health, so with our IF  history, and age, he doesn't recommend waiting a year.

We then talked about a next pregnancy and what to expect, having already dealt with a "high" risk pregnancy, I know most what to expect. I asked what might change from David to the next. At the suggestion of the Maternal Fetal Med Specialist. (MFM). She would recommend, and Dr. G supports,  steroids to mature the lungs early. careful monitoring. ( maybe even daily NST) looking into the Dr. Collins daily NST program.. and likely delivering at 34 or 35 weeks. 

We talked about logistics of all this. ( factors hubs & I have to consider) .  The hospital Dr. G is at (Crittenton for those local), was just bought, by a larger Catholic hospital organization ( Ascension Health Care). The effects of it, won't go into effect until the summer. The unknown, is who the hospital will be referring us to for MFM services. The current MFM is with a different hospital,( St. Joseph) who is on loan to the hospital Dr. G is at.   The unknown is who we will be referred to for MFM services. Time will tell, the other good news, is a hospital much closer to me, is a part of the network( St.John/Providence )  Dr. G's hospital is joining, Dr. G won't have privileges at the close hospital to us, but if we can do MFM care there, it will save on the driving.. We would have to see MFM & Dr. G alternating weeks again.

Other good news, doc gave me his e-mail, to send him some of my research, and for any questions, i may have. So no filtering thru nurses. Love Love Love...

He teared up when I showed him the pictures of David, so did the nurse & receptionist. The nurse said, he had shared with the office David's funeral arrangements, she said she couldn't come, because her son had hockey tournament, doctor wasn't there, because he was on call. It was kind, that they even thought of coming.

Last thing we talked about, was how I was treated. He wanted to know the doctor that delivered me, was truly honored to be there, and that he is changed ( in a good way ) after being there. 

I mentioned research I've done & found something called a Cuddle Cot. There is a Campaign to get one in every hospital. He sounded like he would genuinely look into it & see if the hospital could get one. He seemed very receptive to making the time you have with your child matter.

With out going into a lot of detail we talked about babies/people dying being saints vs. angels, I found an excellent article/blog post that I printed for him, so he could share with his staff, to explain why Catholics believe this way.

When I left, he said he can tell I'm at Peace. He was happy, that I'm at Peace. I do feel at Peace. I know we did everything , medically asked of us. I know we didn't do anything to put David in danger. I know I've become a healthier person because of this. I know that David's death has been hard for some to understand, and for others it's drawn them closer to God. 

We know God has a plan for our children. 

Prayer Warriors

Can I invoke the prayer warriors again. 2 fold.


We just found out, that my husbands cousin, passed away unexpectedly early this morning. ( he's 46 )
My husband is just finally able to tell people about David.. he's more a quiet kinda guy. I am afraid, this will set him back & just make him more quiet, and hold more in.


I have my follow up appointment this afternoon. Can I ask for peace, so that I can keep it together, and have a clear head to ask all my questions, I have a list, & more so information that i've researched that I want to share with my doctor. I have to go alone, because my husband has been working all weekend/will be all week, nature of the beast when you own a business. ( I'm not complaining, and I knew when I booked the appointment, that I would likely have to go by myself ).

Progress

We've lived in our house for 9 something years. 

Have yet to hang anything on the walls in a few rooms. We had things to go on the walls, so no more ... Excuses

So pictures & such are going up, even if they are crooked, disheveled , or tattered. 

So before

After. 

Didn't say a lot of progress, just a little. 

More to come. I still have blank walls. 

WIWS

Doing the WIWS, to help me improve what I see in my body..


Need to get better at picture taking of me..  dress is burnt orange.. boots are brown.

For Church..
Boots : Eddie Bauer I believe  had them forever, love them.. super comfy. Have stood the test of time
Dress : shirt dress crepe material..  JJill - haven't worn in we'll say 10 years.. could use a belt.. but i'm not really a belt person.

 

 

After church..

Stripe shirt : Merona at Target picked up on clearance $3  Red & blue stripe. I like the v-neck

Pants : hard to see, hand me downs from my little sister.. to the little me.. size I've not worn since high school.

 

 

 

Okay people.. I've lost a lot of weight.. and so far have kept it off.
In the fashion of keeping it real here on the blog.. I was wearing size 16's going into pregnancy.. ( comfortable 16's not on the verge of needing a bigger size )  They definitely are way to big, so I have been window shopping & just trying on clothes.. so I find that 14's are way too big too. 12's are getting close, but people I've been trying on 10's that are comfortable.  We'll just say that the only part of my wardrobe that still fits are my socks.   If I've found an awesome deal on stuff, I've picked up a few things.. who can't pass up $3 shirts at target..   Still waiting til closer to going back to work , to refresh some things.. I've been digging back deep in the closet for smaller sizes, which are still not the size I am wearing now.. but dresses are a little more easier to make do, than pants.

I've also invested in these to help with the midsection lumpiness that I was left with.  It's the target version, of Spanx.. surprisingly comfortable.. I don't wear it all the time, but for work, going out, it will be worn.. Around the house.. probably not..

SPICE survival

When you started Creighton charting, you probably thought your instructor was crazy, and possible a horrible person for asking you to abstain from marital relations for 1 month (cycle) so you could observe without any confusion.  I hear so many people that hate the suggestion to abstain, and just refuse to abstain.  We were one of the compliant couples and did abstain, for the cycle, which lasted oh... about 50 days.. or so.. in asking us to abstain, the instructor, mentioned that it would be a good lesson for future use in our marriage. Little did we know..

For medical reasons, in our recent pregnancy, we were asked to abstain. Initially we thought it would be just the first trimester, which turned into the second, then the third and then top it off with the 6 week postpartum period. We will survive and yes we are still happily married. ( at blog publish date, we are 4 weeks postpartum).

So in Creighton, we learned about SPICE. This was one of the tools we used, to live through the 10 or so months of abstaining.

so SPICE is:

Spiritual , Physical, Intellectual, Communicative, Emotional.  

Your marriage needs to include all aspects of SPICE.   Easier said than done. Right!


Most people equate Love only to the physical part of their relationship, and forget the other aspects of their relationship. A marriage should be much more than just the between the sheets.

So how SPICE worked for us.

So spiritually, we needed to make sure we always kept God at the forefront during all of this. I make sure I keep up my rosary, and attending daily mass when possible. If we had issues, we made sure to always be talking/praying to God about them. Attending mass together as a married couple.

Intellectually, I think we engaged each other, by reading and taking our birth class, which kept us very engaged and in discussion with each other. For some others, this might be doing bible study together, reading together, playing games, or watching movies.


So how did we express our love without being able to 'physically' express love, in the physical sense most people think of; to each other? So when I think of physically I think of doing something for my spouse.  

 So one langurage of love in our house is food. It might have been getting dressed up & going out to dinner. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, not having to cook, was a big love language.  Helping out with the chores around the house, emptying the dishwasher, folding the laundry, clean sheets on the bed, making a special treat for the other, for hubs it was a favorite dessert, or meal, for me, might have been a special GF/DF/sugar free treat.  I make some killer brownies & cupcakes.

Maybe your love language is bringing home some flowers, lighting some candles, putting on some special music.  We also would leave cards or simple notes out for each other. I would also come home to a fire in the fireplace, or firepit outside. This was special, because I knew these were made just for me. We have been married for 8 years, so we know what triggers a response from the other spouse, which also means we know what we have to avoid, to not cause stimulation that would not be healthy for either of us.  Hugs, can't say enough for a daily hug & a kiss. 

We keep old cards, from holidays( like Valentines day), when we need a reminder or kindling of old times, I may set one out as a reminder of our love. Some years, they may have been funny, some years more lovey & serious. 

Another way "we" could share, physically would be a light touch massage, like shoulders, or feet; we bought a nice bottle of lavendar massage oil to aid in the act. For us, this was as much physical contact we could handle without too much temptation. My husband usually benefited on massages, I've had a little more training, in that arena. He was not able to reciprocate as much, as it would cause too much stimulation for him.   Their may have been a few of the famous "Duggar" side hugs to avoid the temptations of a regular hug..

Communicative, I know that if hubs isn't talking, that something is wrong, and the same for me. We have this subtle reminder in our bedroom. "Always Kiss Each other good night " I make it a priority every night to make sure I go to bed with him even if 5 minutes. ( Depending on the time of year, he works wonky schedules, based on the sunrise/sunset ) I am a night owl, I am most productive after 10pm . I make a point to lay with him in bed & just talk about the day what was good/bad, we would talk to David together, but it was just some time for us; and no pressure for "relations". Talk  talk talk, can not say enough about talking to each other. Communication is a 2 way street. Both parties need to be communicative.

Emotionally  I also needed to be attentive to my husband, so much of what we went through was wrapped around my needs, but I needed to remember to focus on him & incorporating him into what was going on. David did not like to kick on command, so hubs could feel him, so I tried to encourage him to just sit beside me and feel and just savor these moments. I needed my husband to be emotionally present in the every day, I needed him to be the stronger person; so many times I felt weak and I needed him to be the shoulder that I could cry on. We need reminders to compliment each other and support each other.

So beyond SPICE, we tried to be more attentive to each others needs, more dinners out, movie watching, drives in the car.

While perusing Elizabeth International's Blog, I found a quote from a Dr. John Gottman:

Gottman says that couples who have happy marriages, “turn towards” their partner 90% of the time, that is, they show some sort of interest in what their partner is saying and they take that opportunity to connect. If partners don’t react and ignore the bid for connection, or worse, if they respond negatively, the relationship will most likely fail, due to the partners not meeting the emotional bids of one another. If the partners learn that their bids for connection will be rarely met, the relationship will likely deteriorate into one of hostility and distrust.

This encompasses so many of the SPICE fundamentals.. ...I think most important, communication.

 

I was the one more vocal about being ultra hormonal about abstaining. I felt that it didn't make me feel womanly, and sexy. I would try to push the envelope and see if I could break my husband and get him to cave.  He was much stronger than I. He would remind me that we were doing ( abstaining)  for David. Whoever says that men are the weaker sex, don't know my hubs. Remember mutual respect is key in any marriage. 

So when the time comes to exit the desert .  . . .  Don't rush back into things. 

I can tell you I already went shopping for something special to celebrate, for when we make our first trip out of the desert. I won't jump the gun though. I know it will never be taken for granted ever,  heck it might not even happen the first night. I kinda hope it's like our wedding night all over again, maybe just a little less alcohol in me. 

A mother.

Courtesy of this Etsy shop  .. also many other wonderful phrases..

Suppressing

So one of the sensitive issues for me after David's birth, was what to do with my milk. I was full term.  So there was no question that it would come in. 

Breastfeeding was something I wanted so desperately to do with David. I had read books, articles, tons of articles, talked to some fabulous bloggers. I had ordered & received a pump so I would be prepared to go back to work. I was pro mama and pro breastfèeding for all the wonderful benefits for baby. 

So then I have no baby to feed, and then , this story had been flying around the Internet about a courageous Teen Mother , who had given her child up for adoption.  She also was educated during her pregnancy about the benefits of breastmilk.  She made the decision to pump her milk after placing the child for adoption.  She pumped and shipped the milk to the family.

I have read stories about women who have lost their child, who pumped and donated to milk banks. If you had mentioned this 2 years ago, I would have so been that lady. Now that I am in the position to pump for someone else, I just can't.  Physically I am sure I could have. Mentally I couldn't.  I am sorry to any of you adoptive mama's who rely on milk banks, or anyone else that might rely on them. I am just not emotionally strong enough to do it.  

I will just suffer silently with ice packs in my sports bra. 

Faith or Fear

I like Simple and concise homilies.

Faith! If you don't have faith, it's because you fear. If you have fear, it's because you don't have Faith.

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Full circle, this hit back home.

Faith is what helped us get thru David's passing. With Andrew's passing,  I will admit to having some fear. I guess that means, we still needed to grow in our faith. 

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Teared up when getting ashes today. 

Remember you are dust, and to dust you shall return.

Thinking of David.  In his little crematorium,  4 short weeks ago. Returned to dust (ashes)

My buddies for the week

So my boring week, was made exciting by picking these 2 up from pre-k /preschool/daycare this week. 

Puzzles after school 

Sending pictures to our aunt mimi, to tell her we need our hair cut

Says his hair is fuzzy & needs a hair cut.

Chicken nuggets & French fries. After school snack. 

Naps

My other project: writing thank you's. I apologize to anyone, my hand is still killing ( iv site pain) . I've got 75 thank you's written so far. Still have about 25 more to do. They are slow going. 

Still have beautiful flowers blooming in the house. As inspiration. 

Hope for humanity

I ventured out today.. Unusual occurrence lately.

Had lunch with a dear friend from work.. It was weird to be hearing all the "gossip" from work, not being around it all day.

She asked what I'd been up to, & I went thru my exciting week, home, stay home, pick up the nephews from school, try to stay warm. I mentioned my day of returns. She said she would have done it if I had asked. I said, it's just one of those things I needed to do.

She had an interesting story; she and another lady made the returns of the gifts they had purchased for my shower at work. They had purchased a mix of stuff from our registry store & some from another smaller store. 

So when they went to the smaller store, the people asked Why? they were returning.. she went into the details-- the person returned the clothes and gave them the $$ back. Then proceeded to give her the clothes she returned & said would you please donate them to a pregnancy organization in their memory.

I was shocked..

I'm confident their still are good people in the world .

The day of Returns

I put on my big girl pants, sucked it up and went to the big box, purple clad, baby store to make our big return.

The day I had David, was also the same day my "surprise" baby shower was happening at work. I found out about it at the hospital; I was so worried about an appointment that hubs was going to have to reschedule and he finally fessed up that; the appointment didn't have to be rescheduled; that the appointment he had was to come to my work for the "surprise". I was touched, that they had kept it a secret & had invited him.  I also work with a bunch of people spread out across the US, so when we arrived home from the hospital, we had a few gifts from around the country waiting for us. 

The generous ladies & gents at work, returned everything they had purchased, and gave us the $$$ to use for whatever we needed.  

The few items we got in the mail, I let those people know, I would be returning& they would receive a credit, to their credit card. Initially when I called the store, I explained my situation to the "manager" at the time. He didn't seem to get it & said well bring it all back & we'll issue you gift cards. Hmm maybe you're not getting it, I'm returning, because my son passed away. I really have no need for a gift card to your baby store right now! Thankfully after that initial conversation a week ago, I called their customer service, talked to a special person who "got it". She Set it up so all I had to do was go into the   store & have the store call & verify, that I brought it all back. I finally got the 3rd person at the store to "get it". Who once she figured out what she was doing. Started crying, which made me cry.  So I showed her a picture of David, she said he looked so sweet. Totally not what I expected from a big box store clerk, but still touching. 

Tomorrow, I will venture out to the pregnancy resource  center to donate, diapers, wipes, etc. We also chose this place to make memorial donations in David's honor. 

We haven't given up on TTC again. We haven't taken down any of the baby items we have put together, like crib, just have the door shut, one day, I'll be able to open the door, just not today. 

Unexpected results

I, like many have  struggled with my weight since college.

 

I should clarify,  maybe poor food choices. I have always been active.  Just not in a way my doctor would consider active, but throughout this pregnancy, I think he became a believer of sorts.  I have worked outside doing landscaping since I graduated high school. I played soccer in high school and thru college.

 

I can't say I have abs to be proud of, but can spend hours bending, lifting, and squatting, better than most.

 

So while pregnant with David, I found out I was gestational diabetic, I drastically changed my diet to avoid insulin. I have kept up, for the most part,  those diet changes postpartum. I also never slowed down during pregnancy,  I still worked, within reason throughout pregnancy.

With David's pregnancy, my weight gain bounced around,  but at the highest was only 8lbs, but before birth, I was only 5 lbs over my starting weight.

 

So I'm 2 1/2 weeks postpartum and am down 20 lbs from my pre pregnancy weight. I honestly don't know what to attribute the weight loss to. It's so cold, so I'm not out walking  miles around the block. Although I do try to go to a store to walk once a day, but no Power walking.

I can see the difference in my face,  but I accept, I will have the saggy areas, from 3 pregnancies.  (BB's, tummy, etc)

 

So does anyone have any secrets, to firming up some of the saggy areas,  or exercise for postpartum. 

 

I've also promised the hubs, I'm not shopping for any clothes, til I go back to work, literally still wearing elastic everything, cuz the fitted pants I have are all too big now.

Due date February 7.

Some lovely friends, had a mass said for hubs & I at a historic church downtown. 

Little did they know this was our due date for  David. 

Little did the organist know us,  that the prelude music he played, was the same music I walked down  the aisle to marry the hubs.

Mass was said by a former pastor. I always feel his homilies are 100% directed at me. Today, did not disappoint. 

He talked about Why? & not always having an answer to every why? But as long as we have faith, that is what will get us through.  Much more in depth, but that's what he hit on. 

Also got our St. Blaise blessing. Curing all ailments of the throat, and anything else  ailing the body. Good thing, cuz I have had a stomach bug, but didn't want to miss the mass. Feeling much better afterwards. 

Hardest part

And seeing your little tuft of hair taped to my wallet, as I get my debit card out at the grocery store & start crying like a baby. I'm sure I looked like a train wreck. 

Hair courtesy of dr breaking my water & some of his hair getting caught in the hook. 

Getting bills every day in the mail, that remind me if everything we did to ensure you were healthy. 

Having to explain to your cousin, that you weren't going to wake up. ( he was flipping thru the pics on my phone & saw this picture of you ) said baby David sleeping. 

Having to explain to some operator ( who doesn't speak good English) at the  store we need to return a bunch of items from our gift registry. Then the questions ensue, why did we register for them if we did not want them ?  

Writing thank you for attending our sons funeral, instead of addressing cute baby announcements. 

 

 

Some days are harder than others, but we think of our little Saints in Heaven.

6 Weeks..

So this time around, I was granted 6 weeks of  Maternity Leave, for the birth of David.  When I had Andrew, I was not granted any leave.. ( I worked from home for approx 2 weeks ).

So what do you do on leave, when you don't have a newborn to care for?

I'm already going crazy, not being able to work...  Yeah I know I must be sick or something, but when that's all I know, it's hard to sit around & do nothing.

So I'm sure I've broken most of the, discharge instructions from the hospital;
-No lifting heavier than a gallon of milk ( so I guess grocery shopping was bad -but we needed food )
- Rest & relax. I've made it out to some type of store everyday ( only place warm ) to get out & walk. Too cold outside for exercise
-Driving ( if on pain meds) - so I've avoided pain meds so I can drive. 

-shoveling snow. I'm sure they wouldn't approve of that either. 

Sitting was super uncomfortable with  my episiotomy sutures. So I have been up & mobile. As I'm typing in the chair, I'm sitting on a big pillow ( still )

No air travel - so instead of going South to vacation, I sent my mom South, but in order to do that, I am taking her babysitting days with my nephews. Today, was the first day with them. I will only be with them 2 days a week. 

Trying out the flap hat. We just got a fresh coat of snow, hey we might even go sledding later this week. 

I have one month of tax info to finish, for the home business; but once that's done.. ???

Maybe some scrapping I've had waiting???

Thank you cards .. I've been working on them and almost done. 

DVD series we got for Christmas.. But requires sitting. 

but once those are done,, what to do?

I'm hoping to get early clearance to vacation/use a pool. I've been looking at a little vacation, before I head back. But of not? Maybe I'll paint the bathroom, or kitchen. 

What's been even worse this week, is we've hand so much snow, hubs has been working crazy hours. I'm the day shift , so I deal with all the crazy calls dayside, but also means I'm alone all night. Hopefully this is the last night of snow , for 2 days. 

Suggestions what to fill my six weeks with? 

Either that or a paint color for my kitchen? For the soffit. 

Why I'm not mad at my doctor.

Why I'm not mad at my doctor. . .

He is a wonderful Catholic OBGYN. He gives freely of his talents. He is always speaking somewhere about NFP    Video .   He's talented. He is a true family man. He is kind. He is compassionate.

I've had 2 surgeries with him. Never once doubted his care. I have supplemented his care with the help of NaPro doctor out of state, who both graciously work together for the betterment of me.

I've been under his care since 2007.  I know I can call at any time, I need anything; and know the ways around the "office" politics. He never refuses to double book( or triple book ) an appointment to see me anytime. He never rushes an appointment. He spends as much time as I need with him.

During an appointment he blessed my baby/uterus with a relic of JPII ( brought in by another patient).   He wears a pin with the blessed mother on his lab coat.

In my most recent pregnancy, he treated me with utmost care and respect. He never "made me feel uncomfortable" like the fragile "high risk" patient that I was. He knows I am the patient that is going to research everything.  He never pushed anything on me, that I did not feel comfortable with. He was always willing to discuss, and we were always able to come to a happy medium ( i.e flu shots, gestational diabetes treatment, etc. )

He is always there to listen, let me cry, and calm my fears.

He never sugar coated anything. I saw him at 5weeks and pretty much every week for the remainder of the pregnancy. He let me know right in the beginning, that it would be a long road, that I was going to get sick of coming; he was going to have to ask us to do ( or not do ) things he hated to ask patients to do. So we were asked to abstain from marital relations ( so that I did not pick up any unknown infections or aggrivate my cervix).  I had weekly & sometimes twice weeklly appointments. He wanted all my PIO shots done at his office. I put more miles on my car, driving 45 minutes to his office for appointments. I'm not complaining one bit, I'm just reminded these were all sacrifices I ( we ) made; because we wanted the best for David.

In the begining Dr. G, said, it would be a long road, and that he could not guarantee a specific outcome, but as long as I put 100% into it, and gave it my all, we would have no regrets.

 I'm sure his pep talk, was because after we lost Andrew, I went into somewhat of a mild post partum depression, funk, because I doubted, was I the cause for him passing, could I have done, X , Y , Z differently. He recommended a wonderful Maternal Fetal Medicine -specialist. Who became a part of the team for my pregnancy with David.  With Andrew they were able to narrow down the cause of stillborn to either infection or incompetent cervix. So we were treated for both, during David's pregnancy. Early on, I found out I carried some rare infection, that only is an issue when pregnant. So we treated that for 8 weeks, and all was cleared as normal. We still did the weekly checks for incompetent cervix to be safe; had we not, it may have been one of the "what if  we would have done that differently" questions.

Once I made it past the milestones we had set..  Past Andrew's 21 week, timeframe. Past 24 weeks, ( viability )  Past 28 weeks. ( better odds ) .  Past 32 weeks ( we finally told our family around this time, assuming everything would end with a baby in our arms. ). We started twice weekly appointments with a BPP(ultrasound ) and twice weekly NST's. All were smooth sailing.

I can be mad that my body, I believe is to blame. I feel like my body is broken. I was diagnosed early in the pregnancy with Gestational Diabetes. I was able to treat with major diet modifications. I had okay progesterone, but was supplemented with weekly PIO injections. All 3 of my pregnancies my placenta has been anterior; not sure if that is a factor in anything important; ( noting for the history). With Andrew I did not gain a lot of weight.. but being only 21 weeks, not much weight gain would have been expected yet.   With David; my weight gain, never went more than 5lbs. The last month of pregnancy, I actually didn't gain, but I lost weight. I never got "big". I never looked like I was "more than 6 months pregnant" I am not a petite framed person, but also not grossly overweight. In the 2 weeks since his birth, I am down 15lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. 

I won't go in for a follow up for another 2 or 3 weeks. At that point, I don't expect to have a definitive answer to why? I just know I will have Dr. G's full support for whatever we decide to do.

So Dr. G was at the March for Life, when all the stuff unfolded with David. I don't begrudge him for being gone. He was being a parent & a chaperone for his high schoolers trip to the March. We had a talk about family time; we own a business, his practice is very demanding & we said we respect his vacation time away. We said we completely understand, making the time to devote to your family.

As soon as Dr. G was back to work Sunday evening, after arriving back from the March, he called me. I was eating dinner, so my cell was off.  He left a message and kindly offered his sympathy, asked me how I was doing, and left his home # for me to call him back. Since I was "fine" I opted not to interrupt his family time & just would call the office on Monday. When I called on Monday, they don't have voicemail, and he did not have office hours that day- so I hung up. I had e-mails from the nurse at the specialist office, asking how I was doing, and said Dr. G had asked about me. I said I was "fine" and that I didn't want to bother him; cuz I was fine. Well come Tuesday, he was in the hospital all day, he called me from his cell phone ( yes I already had his cell # too ). So I picked up the phone, he offered his sympathies, asked how I was doing, & wondered why I hadn't called him back. I said I was fine. I was at Peace with what happened. I said you have a family & that I was physically fine, so I could wait til we met later in the month. He gave me the talk about taking time for my "self" and that I am always a selfless person, that I needed to make sure I was taking care of my "self" .. he wanted me to know he is always here to talk, answer questions, and to please call if anything arises.  He let me know that if he received anything "important" from test results, he would let me know ASAP, otherwise, we would talk at my follow up.  

He also wanted me to know, that my attitude in the hospital, positively affected/changed a few people on staff; view of a stillbirth. He said he missed being able to share in the experience with me. I told him, we had the peaceful birth we desired. I told him I appreciated that he was at the March defending for the unborn.  

So between Dr. G & the specialist Dr. M - they both were deeply hurt for our loss, but I am at Peace knowing that we did everything they asked, and God needed David in heaven.

Dr. M , being super optimistic, has already said, Next Time.   Our discernment has not happened, yet, to whether a next time will be sought, but we know they are working on a plan. If no definitive cause, is determined; if there is a next time, they will likely induce me at an earlier point in the pregnancy, in the neighborhood of 33-37 weeks. Could mean more frequent appointments this time.. I joked & said, should I move in ( to the hospital ).  They like that I have a good attitude about it.

Homily & David's Funeral Mass

We met with Fr. Paul, 5 days before David's funeral.  Fr. Paul is a young priest, ordained 3 years ago. He has the gift to have clear & concise homilies, that everyone "gets". 

When we met with him, he asked how we were doing. He said that he didn't want to pick any readings from the "normal" funeral readings, he said those are geared for persons who have lived a long life. I relinquished all mass preparation to him. It was nice to not have to worry about it.

So then he started asking questions about what he would like the homily to be about. He said, since David's time here was not measured in months & years; he said normally I meet with the family & they tell me stories about the deceased so I have something to elaborate on, whether they liked fishing, or a sport, or a favorite devotion, or etc. Since their were not stories like that to expand on. So we talked about our thoughts & what would like relayed about David's life.

We explained to him ahead of time, that we were at Peace. I explained the conversation we had early on with our doctor, that if we did everything that our doctors asked of us, no matter what the outcome, we would have no regrets. I said I am at peace. I said I knew I did everything possible to keep David safe, but there is just something unknown about why I keep losing my children. I told him that 1 in 160 births end in stillborn, but most people hide their loss, or grief.  We explained that many people that are going to be there, still don't get how we can be at "peace" with losing our child & not knowing WHY that happened.

Fr. Paul reminded the 2 of us, that we could be mad, & he encouraged us to be mad, but always talk to god about it, pray to him, keep loving our spouse, talk to each other, pray with each other. But never be mad at each other. He reminded us that we always have each other.

Since we were only having a funeral mass, we had about 1/2 hour before mass started to gather in the vestibule to greet family & friends. We told Fr. Paul, that we would have a couple of pictures of David for people to see, so that they could visually see he was a normal looking baby..perfect looking. So many people choked up, because he looked so perfect.. We also had 2 pictures, Happy pictures, of hubs & I both holding them. Fr. Paul, said people need to see that you aren't sad.

Flowers from coworkers

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When Fr. Paul speaks; he often closes his eyes, and the words just flow so eloquently. He did not have anything written on paper. He spoke from the heart.  A few people asked us afterwards, did you see the priest closed his eyes, I said yes.. that's how I know it's truly from the heart. 

Flowers from some lovely bloggers!!

( this is not the exact homily, since Father does not write it down, it all flowed eloquently from his lips, so this is my summary of his homily )


So he started with David, the beloved one.

Everyone here is because David touched their heart in some way.

Some of you may question WHY? Why David, why M&K ?
Why David, Andrew & Samuel?
It's natural to wonder Why, but we may never know why. We know he was chosen to be a Saint.
He explained that their may never be an answer to Why. He explained that Faith allows us to accept the unknown.

Our time with a loved one is never guaranteed.

He talked about the medical community, and doing the best they can, and that sometimes their are situations that are not explainable.

He then said, When I talked to M&K they said they know David is in Heaven, because they have faith.  They accept that their time was limited with David; but that those moments were cherished.

He touched on; just because M&K accept what happened, accepting doesn't mean they can't be Angry. Doesn't mean that anyone here can't be Angry; You can be Angry, but you still need to talk to God. You still need to pray.

 If you stop communicating with him, you won't be angry with him, you will only be angry with yourself. 

He said Faith is what keeps people together in times of loss. He said M&K have huge faith, to bear this cross, accept the loss of their child, and freely give him to God.

He gave everyone there 2 "assignments" if you will. Pray for M&Kand David, and to keep the lines of communication open with God.

 

 

The other thing I haven't questioned.. or asked WHY ?

So I gave birth on 1/21/15.

All the paperwork I came home with, has his DOD as 1/22/15

I do know that something that the doctor signed on 1/21 had to be re-written on 1/22 cuz something was not written correctly. . .

 

Why you ask did I not ask WHY? What? 1/22 was the March for LIFE..

I'm Okay with that being his DOD on record. I know there were a LOT of people at the March praying for him.

*********************************************************

 flowers from another group of coworkers.

So the first reading was from Isaiah, it was about ending death. going back today to find the exact passage, I was skimming and I realized, Fr. Paul picked that cuz he knew I would go back & read the entire book of Isaiah now..  I guess something to do in the next few weeks at home.

The gospel.. I cried thru, no recollection of it any more.. sorry.. I got it together after that.. that was my only crying spell during the mass.

So for music.:

Opening: I Have Loved You.
Psalm : To You O Lord, I Lift my Soul, to you, I lift my soul.
Offertory: You are Near
Communion Hymn: Eye has not seen
Closing: O God Beyond All Praising

I kind of was complacent, with the music, they had a check list with 5-6 "popular" songs to pick from in each category..  The closing song was not in the check list  but they made it happen.
on Eagles Wings was in every category..

There were a lot of tissues used during the mass.. I could hear the sniffles behind me.. except for the gospel I was strong & kept composed. At the end of the mass after the Closing song was done, the funeral director ( sweet man ) got my coat, and then removed David's baby urn out of the ossuary. He was place in a plastic urn, the remains of an infant are not substantial, therefore we have never ordered an adult size urn ( i don't know that they make baby urns  )  The urn was in the ossuary, which is a wooden Chapel, looking vessel, to hold him in during the mass.  So once David was out of the ossuary, we processed out, and so many people cried seeing him walk out in our arms.

Hubs & I took one a flower arrangement to Mary, and then we exited to our car, and made the 1 mile drive to the cemetery, where everyone gathered at the grave. We are able to put David in the grave with my dad & Andrew.  So for the baby urns, they only make about a 3 foot hole.  Fr. Paul, did the graveside prayers. The sun appeared, the birds were chirping.  I had held him so tightly when we left the church, the entire drive to the cemetery. I knew it was be his only trip in the car with us.  We had just taken his car seat out of the car the day before. I felt at peace, I knelt down on the ground and placed his little urn in the ground. As customary in old days, we put the first shovel of  earth on him in the grave. We allowed our parents, relatives & anyone else who wanted to shovel a scoop of earth on him to do so. Fr. Paul, explained as people were doing this, that this is a good example of the corporal works of mercy.  I would guess about 30 people at the grave site, put a scoop of earth on David. 

We left the cemetery, and headed to lunch at a nearby restaurant.

After hearing the homily, not ONE person, asked WHY? No one asked, well do you know why it happened, what do they suspect?  So many people said I'm glad you have each other! So many people reminded us of the homily. Some even said, if you are ever angry, call me, I'll listen, I'll pray for you, but don't stop praying & communicating with God.   No one asked are you going to try again..

Prayer card.