A Cousin

I found out that Andrew & Sammy had a cousin join them in heaven today.

I am sad, that my sister has to endure the pain of a miscarriage.

I am glad that I can be there to answer all of her questions.

I am mad that her local doctors office, chose to hide information from her.

I am sad that she had to find out that her child had no heartbeat,2 hours away from home.

I am mad that she lives so far away.

I feel her pain, that she had to undergo a procedure with no anesthesia.

I am angry, that science can find ways to easily end babies lives, but can't find a way to keep them alive.

I am sad, that I am the only one, besides her husband, who knows. I feel like I am grieving for about 100 people right now.

I'm confident that Andrew & Sammy are showing their cousin the playground & their grandpa is there watching over them.



I ask you to say a prayer for women who suffer miscarriages in silence.



Why is it that our society can talk about abortions and gay marriage, but we can't talk about babies lost to miscarriage.
 

Sewing/Knitting Ministry

I read an article on FB about a Ministry that ladies are taking old wedding dresses and turning them into clothes for little ones in the hospital. The ladies made them with old wedding dresses, because most times, the little ones had already passed/or close to death & would be prepared for baptism in a white gown.

I can say, I've been touched by a similar ministry. When our son Andrew was born at 21 weeks, I was not prepared. I did not even have a hospital bag packed, nor was I prepared at the time to have clothes for our child who was so small, too small for even preemie clothes. Andrew was 11.9 " and weighed right around 1 pound.

He was wrapped in a blanket when he was first delivered, after that our caring nurse Anne, brought him back to us, dressed in a  gown that was sewn by ladies from a local church, and a hand knit hat that fit his head so perfectly.

The gown (pictured below) was white with blue stripes. They were lovingly made by the ladies, for little ones like our Andrew, so that he was treated with dignity, and didn't have to leave wrapped only in a blanket. His little knit hat was mint green, with a pom-pom on top, which fit his head about the size of a kiwi. His outfit was designed so that it was easy for them to slip his body into, so it was like a newborn onesie-gown.

Not everyone is called to this ministry of sewing outfits for little saints, or knitting hats, but you could always make a donation to groups that do, to defray costs of materials. I'm sure they would greatly appreciate the generosity. Moms like me, say thank you to these ladies, for so sewing & praying for the little ones.

Consult with the Maternal Fetal Specialist

I had my consult with the Maternal Fetal specialist, on the 19th.

First she was super nice, I was super aprehensive after meeting her partner in the hospital 49 days before that, I was not a fan of him. Post on the MFM from Andrew's birth.
She unlike him was very thorough. The consult was not done in an exam room, but a room with 2  round table & about 6 chairs. She saw me within about 5 minutes arriving, she asked if I had my placenta report yet. I told her no, that last I knew it was not back & her office told me not to worry about it that they would get it. She said be back in 10 minutes, she was going to find it before we talked. Apparently in this hospitals "paperless" system, the report on paper, was waiting in some scanning area to be made paperless. The report had been back for about 2 weeks, just waiting to be scanned. Ugghh

She discussed their are 4 main causes for early birth. Placenta Abruption, Infection, Incompenent Cervix, and the 4th I didn't catch, cuz it didn't peak awareness. So we crossed out placenta abruption as an option, because we know that didn't happen. So we were down to Infection & Incompetent Cervix. My placenta report showed that it was seriously infected. She discussed how long it had been since my water broke and I delivered. She said that was long enough to get infected, but not as serious as it was. She asked if I had not been feeling well the week before. I told her I was fine. She is leaning on the side that Infection was my main cause for my early birth. (stillbirth).  She wrote down the name of the doctor who didn't perfom an ultrasound on me, when I went to the hospital for the first time, when my water broke , but he said it didn't. She said ALWAYS, ALWAYS, if you have doubts demand an ultrasound. I said the guy seemed competent. She said you know your body. I said lesson learned. She said imcompetent cervix, is a slim possibility, but not a likely culprit.

Her plan of action, she wants bacterial cultures run for the region,  to be sure I got rid of all infections. She said it is best not to "try to achieve" until we know that all is clear. She said she recommends at least a 3 month wait after a birth or pregnancy, so that your body can replenish it's iron supply.  If / when we achieve another pregnancy,  more testing  and more frequent ultrasounds, early in pregnancy, and regular starting at 12 weeks - 20 weeks. (weekly)  to confirm I don't have an incompetent cervix.   We talked a bit about a circlage for an incompetent cervix (the treatment for incompetent cervix) I explained that I could not afford to, knowingly, be off work on bed rest for (potentially) 6 months. She said for most people, she recommends 2/3 days off when the circlage is placed on the cervix, becuase you are admitted for surgery, requiring a spinal , time off for rest after it. Then you will be monitored afterwards to see that work is not causing stress on the cervix. She would most likely recommend nothing strenuous. In most cases if you are on "bedrest" it just means not standing & not doing anything around the house.. So I could possibly work on a laptop at home. It would not be destined to lying flat on your back for 24 hours a day. She also recommends checking progesterone levels more frequently & more often than just the first couple of weeks.  She saw that mine were checked consistenly the first 2 weeks, but not thereafter.  She said she would do it every couple of weeks the next one. 

What I find interesting after meeting with her, is she "assumed" I had IVF/or an IUI done, because of how long I had infertility and my age. She was not familiar with NaPro.

I feel optimisic after talking with her, that this was just an unfortunate accident.

I also see a lot of doctor visits with an future pregnancies...

Have you ever noticed

When I got my new Tahoe 5 years ago, it seemed like EVERY car I saw on the road, was another Tahoe. I guess I had blinders on before that. I thought I had purchased something very unusual and then BAM it's everywhere.. Well so it seemed, or maybe my eyes were more open to seeing other vehicles like mine.

So where are you going with this!

Well my eyes have been more OPEN in the last month or so, to people experiencing the same things I have recently been through  i.e. miscarriages/stillborn.  It hurts every time I read or hear of someone going through that pain.  It seems like everyday another lady is getting devastating news like their child has no heartbeat, or they are going into labor too early, or they start spotting.

I have been trying to re-read  "After Miscarriage" by Karen Edmisten to know how I can help others going thru this, and to help in healing myself.

Although I don't want every page I turn or blog I read to be another sad discovery of somone's loss, it's the unfortunate reality to some women. I have to say it, but I wish they would spend as much money on finding a cure for miscarriage, as they spend on birth control research.


From the book of blessing;

For those who trust in God,
in the pain of sorrow, there is consolation,
in the face of despair there is hope,
in the midst of death there is life.

Amen.

Adopt-a-Blogger

                                                                    Adopt-a-Blogger

It is an honor to be chosen for the month of November, my husband and I deeply appreciate all the prayers that will be coming our way this month.

The short story(stats) of our Infertility issues. I have PCOS & Mild Endo. I have had many procedures, taken all sorts of meds/vitamin, and made diet changes. But still infertility was still something we didn't think we had. We were in denial.

Our whole infertility story

Our Son Andrew's Still Birth Story

Our Son Sammy's miscarriage

Story and experiences in our family with Adoption   and Adoption Part 2

Our journey has been long, we have endured many speedbumps, but we haven't given up hope. Although after Sammy then Andrew, it can be hard to jump back into TTC. After each loss, it is hard to know when is the right time to begin trying or continue waiting.  My husband and I both will advance to the next age bracket next year, and it will probably mark the end of our TTC journey.

It is many women's dream to have and hold their baby, I am thankful that I got to experience birth and hold my son Andrew, even though he was not breathing. I just pray that God is satisfied with the Saints I have created for him, and that he gives me one more that I can keep on Earth for a longer period of time.

What we ask prayers for:
Decisions on our next "plan" and our meeting with our doctors on November 8th.
Are our hearts ready again?
Do we TTC again ?
Are we content with being a family of 2? 
We ask your prayers for all women who face difficult decisions in their pregnancy.


 Lord God, my desire for a child grows stronger every day. Cradle me in your love and calm all my anxieties. I look to you for insight so I can do my part in making my dream of parenthood a reality. Stir in my heart the desire to follow your will in all my decisions. Give me the courage to trust your guiding presence. Help me, Lord, to prepare myself for the day on which I might be blessed with an earthly child. Deepen my trust in your plan for our family. Amen

Thank you for praying for us.

Kristen & Mr. Lucky

Our Infertility Story

My husband & I were married 7 years ago, after 5 months being married, we started seeing a OBGYN who was NaPro trained. Our initial concerns were, really long cycles, like 40-50 days, and hey we were newly married, we were engaging in lots of honeymoon action, but yet there were no positive pregnancy tests arriving. She moved out of state after 2 visits with her, which was like 5 months. The only thing we learned from her, was I didn't ovulate on my own & I had PCOS.  So we were befuddled & spent more time trying and being ignorant that there was an infertility issue. After about another year, we started the search again for a new doctor.

We found a pro-life OBGYN, who we are still with, Dr. G! Trusting that highly respected doctor #1 did a lot of blood work ups (her office, wouldn't release any files) we started on Clomid and he gave me a blank paper chart to keep track of my cycles. So after a month, we went back & he was confused and I was confused as to what he wanted on the chart? He 'respects' all forms of NFP, but didn't really specifiy what he wanted on the chart. So the only thing I had done was write in my temps, which was what I was taught in Sympto-thermal classes.  So we schedule an appointment for the next month & he says. I want you to watch & record your cervical mucus. Hmmmm.  Okay! So the next month I come in, with a bunch of scribbles, and much about nothing. I said there really isn't anything. So this goes on for a couple more months, he wants DH to get a SA to determine if there are any underlying issues with him, that we may not know about.  After all that comes back, we're at 8 months into this with him & still not pregnant. By now I have gained a few pounds & he recommends we spend some time getting healthy. So we take about a year off & lose the weight & work on our overall health.

During infertility week in 2010 I discover a great blogger.(TCIE) I start following. I get intrigued by all this NaPro lingo. I start researching Creighton instructors. Nothing close to me! I find someone about 1 1/2 hours away from me, who is in training, in training means, she can only do in person meetings. She feels so bad for telling me that I would have to drive to her every other week for the first chart. We do this, because we know that it's the only way we can get in to see a NaPro doc, who by the way, is 3 1/2 hours away. So we get our 2 cycles of charting in ( which takes 3 1/2 months because of my wonky cycles). We contact the NaPro doctor and find out he is having surgery & will be not available to see patients for 2-3 months. Huge stab to the gut, but we take it in stride & make the appointment in May 2011.  The good thing about this appoinment we had all our labs, done the month before so we had real stuff to talk about!. We get the "plan" given to us. We started using NaPro protocols finally which included meds (Femara, Prometrium) vitamins/OTC (B6, Mucinex, Fish Oil, PreNatals, D3) Diet ( no Dairy, Wheat, Sugar).  We find out 4 months later that we are pregnant! WOW!.

Not included in our "plan" was a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks, we named our son Samuel(Sammy).  The one lesson we learned with Sammy was that I could get pregnant, which I hadn't been able to do for the past 6 years. I went back on the "plan" and conceived about 6 months later. I found out we were having twins, only to find out at our first ultrasound that one passed at 8 weeks. I seemed to be having a normal pregnancy, but after our loss of Sammy, we were extra cautious, and kept our news to primarily ourselves. At 18 weeks we found out we were having a boy (Andrew), we also started birthing classes at this time and told our families. Sadly at 21 weeks, Andrew decided to arrive a wee bit too early. Andrew's Birth story.

After our loss, we were asked to abstain for 6 weeks, we await  test results to come back on Andrew & I, and then meet with our doctor(s) to discuss the new "plan".

Resources for Pregnancy/Infant Loss

My recommendation list for Support after a Miscarriage, Stillborn, or Infant Loss. Why do I publish this list? Some people are generally interested in learning how to support a friend or family member who is experiencing one of these types of losses, maybe you just experienced one of these losses, maybe it's been 2-3 years since your loss(but it still feels like it is yesterday), maybe you are in a womens group & want to know how to support someone in their loss.  I don't claim to be an expert, but I have suffered a missed miscarriage at 14 1/2 weeks and a stillborn loss at 21 weeks. If you ever have to use any of these resources, I hope they  help or are a starting point for you..

Let's start with everyone experiences Grief, Loss, Trauma, and Comfort differently.

If you are reading this, because you have suffered a loss of your child, I send my deepest sympathies to you and your husband. Please know you are not alone. Please don't let yourself suffer alone.

If you are reading this, because you want to offer support to someone. Please let them grieve. Offer to listen. Offer to cook them a meal, or clean their house. Offer but don't force yourselves on them. When they are ready, they will talk & they will take you up on things.

The problem in general I experienced with people giving me resources, is what they thought were good intentions were frustrating for me. Local people had recommended support services, that didn't exist, or support groups that were not close(distance) or non existent (exsisted on a piece of paper only)

Website Resources

Faces of Loss  is a wonderful source if you are the type of person, wanting to read about other peoples stories, it helped me realize, that a lot of the things I was going thru were normal, OK, and that I was not the only woman going thru these things.  I was able to read about some of the difficult things I wasn't able to ask anyone.  Like when I asked my night nurse if my milk was going to come in, she gave me this clueless look, she said she would check with someone, and I never heard back from her.   If you are a writer, you can also write your story, submit it, and be one of the "faces" of women on the page. The page covers all sorts of loss; miscarriage, stillborn, infants born alive & passed shortly after birth, etc. There are many search options on the page, so you can search for ladies from your state, your type of loss, etc.   Faces of Loss   from their website:  Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope is a place for us to come together and share our stories and our faces with others who may be looking for reassurance that they are not alone. My hope is that Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope becomes a place for new members of this “babyloss club” to come and read hundreds of other stories, and see hundreds of other faces like theirs, all in one place.
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15 Things You thought you knew about Miscarriage

Blog who posts her & other people's stories about miscarriage & loss.
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National Share, is a site with resources for finding professional help, local support groups, and has resources to train hospital staff about pregnancy/infant loss. Share site for Pregnancy/Infant Loss

Types of early pregnancy Losses  They define the different types of miscarriages & what commonly women experience in each type of miscarriage.

Definition of stillborn  Simply the explanation of a stillbirth.

Infant loss.  Briefly explains Infant/neonatal loss is the death of a baby who was born alive and died shortly after birth.
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Angel Kisses is a local to me organization, that has a website, that has resources, they also raise funds to train local hospital staff on pregnancy/infant loss. They  also have worked with a large local hospital (the one with highest level NICU in the area) to make a "room" that grieving parents/family, can go to for comfort, that does not have pictures of "newborn" babies, etc. Angel Kisses they also have resources on their website for national agencies, national support groups, books, blogs, other websites. I did find that a lot of the "local" to me resources are not active. This may be different in your area.

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I learned of   October 15th . It's not only just another day on the calendar, it is a day we remember our angel babies, as this is a national day of rememberance for Pregnancy & Infant Loss. They aim to bring awareness to infant loss, so parents and families do not have to grieve alone, or grieve in silence.

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The miss foundation, focuses on C.A.R.E.  Counseling. Advocacy. Research. & Education
MISS Foundation  They have links to support groups, the refer to counselors, they send support packets, they can get you in contact with a peer mentor,(great for the places like mine that do not have active support groups), they monitored online support groups. They have a great TOOLBOX area, with areas for funerals, responding to insensitive remarks!!!, they have an area for fathers, grandparents, and children. You can also register your child's birth(day) and/or date of death, during that month they list all the children registered.
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You can have your child(ren) remembered at the Shrine of the Holy Innocents  in New York.
from their website : Often children who have died before birth have no grave or headstone, and sometimes not even a name. At The Church of The Holy Innocents, we invite you to name your child(ren) and to have the opportunity to have your baby's name inscribed in our "BOOK OF LIFE". Here, a candle is always lit in their memory. All day long people stop to pray. On the first Monday of every month, our 12:15pm Mass is celebrated in honor of these children and for the comfort of their families. We pray that you will find peace in knowing that your child(ren) will be remembered at the Shrine and honored by all who pray here. If you give them your e-mail address they will send you a certificate from the shrine with your childs name on it. Comes in an e-mail as a PDF. The priest will also send you a nice "personalized' note from the shrine. 

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Support for your husband Grieving Dads - You learn, that your husbands and men in general grieve differently. This site, is written by a man who lost his daughter.

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This site discusses a 3 step grieving process. 1) Shock 2)Anger-Guilt-Depression  3) Acceptance. There is no set amount of time you spend in each process. You learn in acceptance, that you aren't the only one who has experienced this; but this doesn't mean going thru alone, they mention getting help, from other women, or professionally. It explains that men & women grieve differently, you may notice your husband more deeply involved in work; that is his way of grieving. Please note, they only mention this all for miscarriages, but I feel it is all very pertinent to a stillborn birth also. Surviving Emotionally  it comes from the site american pregnancy (dot) org.  They have other useful information under the pregnancy concerns, during a pregnancy problem or for future pregnancy concerns.
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Site by Doulas who specialize in Stillbirth. Lots of support for stillborn support. Lots of questions answered. There is support for making a birth plan & what to pack lists, if you know that you are going into labor early with a stillborn/pregnancy loss. There is a bereavement area. An area about celebrating the life of your child. Also about subsequent pregnancies.  Still Birthday's

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Unspoken Grief is a site about breaking the silence of stillborn & miscarriage. Women can share their stories. Sometimes it helps to read & know that you are not alone.

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Some women may need this information after a stillbirth. Lactation suppression after stillbirth . Your body starts stimulating your milk hormones about month 3. From what I've read from other peoples experiences, if you have nursed a previous child, you have a greater chance of your milk fully coming in, if you have a stillbirth. All women no matter first or subsequent births at any gestational age of their stillbirth, may experience milk coming in, to varying degrees. The link has remedies, to help relieve the physical & emotional pain of milk coming in, and explains how to dry your supply up, or how to pump & donate to milkbanks.  Remember Hot stimulates milk , cold will help suppress it, it may not come in right away, it may happen, a week or 2 later.

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Legislation Pending

If you have a moment you might want to sign this petition
Parental Bereavement Leave (The Farley-Kluger Initiative to Amend the FMLA)                 

http://www.petition2congress.com/
I could have benefited from a defined " leave time" from work. If you  have a minute, go on & sign the petition.  Spending a minute on the topic. I did speak to HR after I had returned to work( after 2 weeks). I asked if I could have stayed out longer/ or if it should have been shorter. Their answer to me was "grey" area. I would get 1 week bereavement for loss of a immediate family member. But additional time to heal from my birth, she said, if I came in with a doctors note, for XX time off off, I would have been put on short term disability ( not full pay ). I ended up "working" from home for the period of time I was out, and did not lose any pay or benefits. I don't know what my doctor would have written me out for, cuz his instructions were try to get back to "normal". My proponent for a longer time off; if I did have a baby to take care of I would have 6 weeks automatically off to care for the baby & heal myself. When I left the hospital. I was given the same instructions as a new mom, I just have no baby to care for. No strenuous activity, no intercourse, no baths, no swimming, lots of rest. So yes I could have benefited from a longer leave. Thankfully I don't have a strenuous job. But I definitely could benefit from more rest.


Books/Pamplets

After Miscarriage by Karen Edmisten. A Caholic Women's compantion for Healing & Hope.
Stories, prayers, poems, journal entries, and some Catholic resources in the book. Stories from the author and other women who have experienced miscarriage(s).

In the hospital I was given:  Empty Arms by Sherokee Ilse
It covers a lot of the initial feelings that you may experience right away. It also goes thru all the "decisions" you will have to make in the first weeks. In my opinion it is more for Stillborn/Infant loss.  It's not a long read, there are no personal stories in the book.

You can find the book & other loss books at :  A Place to Remember

The other good resource they gave us at the hospital was : A Fathers Grief, A Mothers Grief & A Grandparents Grief. They are small pamphlets. They are also available at A place to Remember.
The series has short paragraphs. Some of the topics in the mens were: mourning, feelings of loss, intimacy, are we ready to try again, and resolving differences. The grandparents were; how to mourn the loss of their grandchild, supporting their child. The series touches on a bunch of topics, but doesn't go too in depth. Good for someone like my husband who does not want to sit down & read a book.

A Place to Remember also has other remembrance items available for purchase for your baby.

"From Hurt to Healing" published by the March of Dimes. It didn't help me much & led to some of my early weeks feeling of depression. It said that a lot of couples break up or divorce because of these types of situations. The pamphlet did not focus enough on SUPPORT.

Facebook Groups.
There are several private groups, you need to find the right one for you.

Doctor Support
I called my doctors office to cancel my future appointments I had scheduled. The receptionist I talked to on the phone, was super sensitive to everything, she asked how I was doing, said if I ever needed to talk, to call any time. She stressed that If I had questions, for the doc to call anytime & she would make sure they got attended to. I did have an appointment with my doctor 1 week after I got out of the hospital, he sat and gave me undivided attention. We meet with him at 6 weeks to go over all our testing/results from genetics/placenta/blood work. We planned a last appointment of the day so we don't have to see/deal with a lot of people in the office. We asked to sit in an office & talk vs. an exam room.  Make sure you can call and get help from your doctor if you are feeling postpartum depression or physically not well.

Discerning Future Pregnancies.

Another blogger wrote an excellent post about discerning pregnancy after a loss. Please take a read from Dwija at House Unseen.  It sums up a lot of the discernment I went thru also.

Miscarriage vs. Stillborn

 I had to look up what defines a stillborn. So a stillborn is your child with a gestational age over 18 weeks, before that it is considered a miscarriage. (From Wikipedia) Almost every state has varying different definition of what gestation/age is a miscarriage & stillborn is.

Some of the differences I've experienced with my miscarriage vs. stillborn.

My known miscarriage was at gestational age of 8/9 weeks, but was not detected in an office visit until 14 weeks (he had no heartbeat). Some peoples bodies naturally know that the baby is deceased & release the baby, whereas a woman sees spotting, bleeding, cramping. Then there are some peoples bodies hang onto them, and they have to be induced/removed. (either a pill is taken or some women have a D&E) With my stillborn son, my water broke (this does not happen to everyone) and I eventually went into labor.

Depending on how early in a pregnancy you tell friends/family, a miscarriage may be something you suffer silently with your husband. Most miscarriages happen early, some people so early they may not even know they are pregnant. In the case of my miscarriage, we were cautious, so we were waiting til our 2nd trimester. My appointments had got out of sync at my doctors office. So I was seen at 8 weeks by our doctor, at 12 weeks by their nurse ( this office's requirement of 1 nurse visit to go thru paperwork, nothing "medical" was done) and then at 14 weeks 6 days saw my doctor ( it was before Christmas, so this was going to be "16 week " appointment). We still hadn't told family, cuz we wanted to be sure & I wasn't showing, so who would know. So instead of the " Awesome" christmas present we had for everyone. I had a D&E the day after Christmas.

So after having a miscarriage when we became pregnant 6 months later ( our first real cycle after the loss) we became pregnant. In my husbands head we weren't going to tell anyone til I was showing. He had also thought Thanksgiving would be a good time too ( I would have been 7 months). I finally had convinced him that once we had our 18 week anatomy ultrasound we could share.. & we did, we had a BBQ & the family over & told them ALL. We had also started Hynobirthing classes at 18 weeks. ( they recommend classes in 2nd trimester ). This felt so real, although I hadn't said anything at work, cuz I wasn't showing again. I learned at my 3rd doctors visit, that my uterus was tipped back(into me) so I wouldn't "show" for a while. The tipped uterus also makes it more difficult to feel your child "kick". I did near the end feel Drew kicking, but nothing strong that I could let his dad feel.

With my miscarriage, Sammy hadn't come out on his own, so we had a "scheduled" time to remove his deceased body. In hospital terms, they deemed him a bunch of tissue, because of his gestational age, he wasn't formed into much more. I was put to sleep, he was removed, and the tissue remains were sent in for genetic testing. I woke up in recovery and as soon as I could stand up I could go home. I had a lot of bleeding for 2-3 days. Then I got another cycle about 2 weeks later. I was cleared by my doc to get back to trying when I had my next cycle.  I wasn't really looking to "chart" yet, but just kept an eye out for it to start, which it took 3 months for the next cycle to start ( well I finally called the doc after 3 months cuz it hadn't started, so I took meds to "start it".

With Drew, my water broke on a Tuesday morning at 9am. I called the office, they sent me to the hospital. I was checked out by the old timer, who told me I didn't know what water breaking was & did a little test & sent me on my way, telling me I must have some urinary incontinence problem. At 3am on Wednesday, I started having regular contractions 9 mins apart. Called my doc in the morning, drove to see him at 2pm. By now my contractions were 5-6 mins apart. He sent me straight to the Maternal Fetal Specialist (MFS) who determined I had no water left, my sac had completely broke, not a pin-hole leak & my son was being suffocated in the womb because their was no cushioning fluid. The MFS said our only option was to have an Abortion right now. Thankfully having gone thru our birth classes and being educated, I said NO, that was not for an option for us & I could birth him naturally. I think back now & still question how this doctor, practicing in a Catholic Hospital could even suggest as the best medical advice, and Abortion as the only option. He literally gave us no other option. He went on to tell me it was going to be long birth & did I want to endure that. I said sir I have been in labor already for 12 hours now, it can't be that much longer. He tried to tell me that I wasn't in labor. He called my doctor & my doc admitted me. ( this guy was not going to ).  Five hours after being admitted our son was born. He passed in the womb, but because it had been so long since my water broke, he was "infected" and therfore I had to be treated by IV for various infections he would pass to me. I birthed Drew naturally, I did ask for a 'relaxant' of some sort about an hour before his birth, but I was 100% there and did it all. He was 11" long , his head was 7" dia. and he weighed 330 grams. There was no evidence left of his sibling who passed in utero at 8 weeks gestation. When Drew was born, he was placed on my chest.. while they cut his cord. They checked my placenta to make sure it didn't have issues. The placenta delivered properly about 20 mins later.  My placenta & a piece of Drews thigh bone are being tested genetically to see if it leads us to any reasons for his early passing. With my stillborn birth, I had heavy bleeding for 2-3 days. but light bleeding still for 2 weeks. They say 2-6 weeks can be normal.

With my miscarriage occuring at the hospital, the remains were tested & disposed of medically.
With my stillborn son, I had to make arrangements for a funeral home to come pick up his remains. Then we had to decide if we were going to have him put in a casket & buried , or cremated.  We opted to have him cremated & his remains were buried in a gravesite.

With my miscarriage D&E,  I walked in in sweats, and left in sweats and my underwear too.
After a stillborn, I had spent several days in a hospital gown, and those weird stretchy hospital panties, and this giant pad thing. My hospital visit wasn't planned, so I didn't have the luxury of packing a bag.

With my miscarriage, I had a nice pep talk w/ the doc. He was so supportive, & thinking it was just gods will & we could try again, after a brief hiatus.  My emotional state was not broken. I bounced back quicly. I was ready to start trying as soon as we were given the approval.

With my stillborn. My doc was super supportive, big cheerleader. I didn't get a talk about it being god's will. He cried with us, when he came to see us. He ran a bunch more blood tests to see if that helps us determine if there is anything else we need to be watching out for. He is not speculating why, until we have all the tests back, which take 4-6 weeks. Wait there's that 6 week wait again.
We have to wait a minimum of 6 weeks, to put an "I"s on the chart. Let's just say, I'm not "ra-rah" lets' get on the bandwagon again. I feel broken, I feel hurt, I don't want it to happen again. I want to ask LOTS of questions. the 6 week wait may be longer.  It pains me, because we were advised to abstain the entire time we were pregnant.. & now longer & .. What hurts even more is reading these stupid books they gave us in the hospital. One says something about stillborns pull couples apart, because one or the other avoid having relations with each other, which leads to turmoil, or furthermore divorce.  Not that, it's going to happen here.. we are using SPICE.. there is not a whole lot of  "P" going on here, but a lot of S, C & E ..  Because of everything that happened at birth/infections and all. I have been on meds, and have developed infection after infection/ill effects of infection/ thrush/yeast infection/ etc. 

Some people experience the Pregnancy bump, I didn't have to endure this. nor maternity clothes. I was lucky enough to actually lose 10 lbs so far. Not having gained any weight during my pregnancy this was a nice hurdle to not have to deal with afterwards. Some ladies after a stillborn are left with " a pregnant looking tummy to have to lose/shrink. Without a baby to nurse to help" with the " weight loss.  With a miscarriage you generally are not far enough along to have to deal w/ any major weight gain issues/bump issues.

With a stillborn you are generally further along where you might have started buying/acquiring baby items, you know getting the nursery ready, because you found out what you are having & are excited for the little slugger or ballerina to arrive. The question then is what do you do with the nursery, do you get rid of everything, pack it up, or close off that room.  A miscarriage you probably haven't begun to ready a nursery yet, so it's not as much to think about.

Another question the nurses in the hospital couldn't answer. Would I have breast pain after my stillborn birth. I did not. Apparently because the pregnancy was not as advanced, my body did not signal milk to come in yet, & my boobs have shrunk back to 'somewhat' normal.

Most of the "brochures/books" given to me at the hospital were very generalized, but some very insensitive.  One was titled "Fetal" loss guide. Really call it an infant loss guide.. When I had a miscarriage I got no "fetal" loss guide. The nurses in L&D treated my son, like he was any other "infant" born there, he was bathed, dressed, had footprints taken, they took newborn pictures of him, the made a bassinet card for him. 3 of the 4 nurses I had during my stay, all shared their own stories of their losses with me, which was nice, because they "understood" I had one really insensitive nurse.. "Misty" I dont' wish something bad on someone, but because of how she treated me, i'm sure that's why she had a horrible night.. When she came on her shift. she came in & was like so WHAT have are we going to do with your son, cuz I need to get him out of here, before he starts smelling. Karma came to bite her in the ass later that night.. cuz she apparently had a bad night.. & let's just say the Director of nursing came to visit me the day I left & apologized for Misty's actions ( I hadn't said anything to anyone)

With a miscarriage people are quick to comment, to try again.  With a stillborn, people are asking, if I'll be able to have children, or if there is some abnormality in me. For real people I feel broken, I don't need you to ask me if I am.

Physical & Emotional pain has been very different. Physically my miscarriage was more painful for me.  I had to go under anethesia, nothing was natural about what happened, I was in pain afterwards, I took heavy pain meds. Mentally the miscarriage was not as hard, I hadn't felt my baby yet, I hadn't gained any weight, my body hadn't really expanded yet.  Physically my stillborn was much easier. I went thru everything naturally, I wasn't in any pain, I did not take any pain killers afterwards, I took things easy, I feel like running  a marathon now, but have been advised to not do anything strenuous for 6 weeks. Mentally not so easy, after you have felt your child, seen him on an ultrasound, birthed him, it's not so easy to "bounce back".

The best thing for me is for people to listen, when I want to talk, on my terms, when I am ready.
The people who understand the most, are those who have endured one. To which most say, I'm sorry, we went thru a ____ 1, 2, 5, 10 years ago. and they say nothing else, becuase they know, there are no perfect words, there is nothing that "really" makes it feel better. the other helpful one is :  We'll be praying for you.

With both there are unanswered questions of WHY? Why did God pick me to endure this? Did I do something to cause this? Could I have done something to avoid this? Do I want to potentially endure this again? Am I strong enough to endure this again? What can we do differently next time? Is there a next time for us?  I am having a tough time w/ the Is there a next time for us?

I really do not know if I am ready to try again, or if I can emotionally do this again. This one really hurt, it feels like I lost a part of myself. yes it was a part of me, but the empty void where my baby was housed in my uterus is even worse for me to not feel anymore.


This has been therapuetic for me to write out, I don't expect it to mean much to you if you haven't experienced any of these unfortunate events. If you do know someone going thru this, it might help them.

Making it thru Day 1 ( back to work)

DH & I had a long talk about anxiety meds, he asked me to try to do it without anything, but if I truly needed something, then I could. Happy to say. I took my time this morning. I didn't rush! Packed my home office. Drove to the office. Made it in the office & I survived, without the meds. I realize this is not possible for everyone, we took our time & practiced some hypno-breathing, for the stressing points.

The first person that asked me WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?  I just politely said working at home.
This same person had a whole host of other questions, to which I responded, when I am ready to tell you I will, but I am not ready now.

I don't sound " Better" to the guys in the office, cuz I have a sinus cold.( you know the kind, stuffy nose, running nose, watery eyes, thankfully  no sore throat)  To which I just laugh & say I was much worse.. guys are ignorant & just say.. hmmmm.. 

I made it !! One day at a time.. One step at a time...

10 days

I have survived 10 days.

Friday, I had a follow up w/ my doc. He is very sweet. He started & ended with a hug.
I was lucky enough to get some more "infection" related meds. Can you bet how thrilled I am.
He also prescribed me something for anxiety. Hubs & I had a long talk when I got home. He wasn't thrilled that I got the script filled, but I told him I would let him keep the pills, & if we both decided I needed them, then WE could decide together. He has fears/known too many people getting addicted to them. ..  The other nice part of my appointment, I cleared my conscience. I told him one of the things dragging on my heart, was guilt. Guilt for not knowing, did I do all in my power to avoid the "negative" outcome. He assured me that it was in God's hands, and had I been in his office & my water broke the way it did, there would have been nothing he could have done to save Drew.  We didn't get to talk about any of the test results, because not everything is back, so we meet with him in 4 weeks. I told him I didn't feel comfortable of talking about a "next time" cuz I just was too hurt & didn't know if I could endure that again. By the end of the appointment, I was open to discussing "next time" he just has that way of putting me at ease. We did talk a little how about a next time would go. ( meaning - a LOT - more appointments.) More bloodwork & more ultrasounds, progesterone support, circlage, etc. ( unless the bloodwork after losing Drew, shows something major) after my miscarriage, the tests showed nothing.......Ok, I'm done speculating what's going on..


Today Hubs & I worked together all day.. No crying all day! It's a yearly appointment, that had to be kept.   I told him I think I can get thru the first day back to "my" work if he comes with me.. ( which can't happen )

Today is also the "anniversary" of us finding out we were pregnant w/ Sammy.. it's all a little too close to losing Drew.

please pray

I am trying to get ahold of my doctor now. I still don't feel much better than yesterday.

and I'm showing signs that I might be miscarrying.  Disturbs me that the oncall doc, yesterday, dismissed it all & basically sent me on my way.

13 Weeks !!

After having a miscarriage, you don't know how incredibly happy it is to get to 13 weeks.

I always liked the # 13.. It was my jersey # when I played high school soccer.

My doctor told me last week that I was in the clear, but I said I got to make it to 13.

sooo happy now. still not posting a bump picture.. I don't really think I have one.  We haven't told any IRL people yet, my husband wants to wait til Christmas to tell his family.. I said good luck with that one.

The peanuts room is filled with baby stuff given to us by my sister, she has her house up for sale, so she needed to declutter.  Thankfully we don't need much now, plus hubs & I don't like clutter, so we won't be loading up on unneccesary stuff. We haven't taken any baby clothes from her 2 boys yet.. I don't want to assume peanut is a boy.. We'll find out the end of September the gender, but will not share w/ IRL people.  My youngest sister out east found out & told everyone what she was having & she got 90% clothes at her showers. & everything pink.. I said, what are you going to do when you have more & have all this PINK stuff.. ( so they took back & exchanged & got more gender neutral.. baby items , like car seats, stroller, pack-n-play, swing, toys, etc ) Our getting ready for baby more so involves, getting rid of our Glass Tables, and finding some area rugs, and a comfy chair to nurse in  and a dresser for baby. Also figuring out where to put all hubs clothes that are in the closet in peanuts room.

surgery & miscarriage.

First of all, it's 3am and I can't sleep. I assume partly due, to the fact, that hubs is still out plowing & I miss his warmth in the bed.

When I was at the doctor & found out a week ago, that peanut  no longer had a heartbeat, I was devastated.

The next night, I had visions that my dad had greeted him ( I think it's a boy) in heaven, and was rocking him to sleep.  It was comforting to know that peanut was not alone. It was also comforting to know that coming up on the anniversary of his passing, that I had given my dad a gift of a grandchild, that he could enjoy in heaven. 

When I scheduled my surgery, a weel ago, there was a 10% chance of snow that day. Hubs said, go for it. It was the only that my doctor had available, as he is leaving out of town after that.  As the day got closer the % of snow got greater & greater. I started to worry, not about me, but logistics of getting to the hospital. Hubs, is 100% dedicated to his company & if I wanted would have put everything on the line ( like loosing customers ) to come & be with me at the hospital, but I made the choice to ask someone else to take me. I told hubs that the safety of others was more important than him holding my hand. Hub, plow a very busy, rehab facility, surgical center, and an old folks home. This has turned out to be a very big & bad snow storm for it being our first one.. He's been out plowing & in the truck for 15 hour now. Which is very unusual. I feel bad that I am not with him, but doctors orders. I felt totally helpless not even being able to shovel a path for my sister coming over last night. Hubs came & checked on me when i got home & I was alone for about an hour span. 

Our sweet doctor had just called him too & done a recap with him of everything that went on. The doctor knowing I was scared, cuz hubs wasn't there, said a prayer over me, & held my hand before he began surgery. It was the last thing I remembered before going out. I will see him in 2 weeks to get results & find out for sure what peanut was( gender).

Until then I get to pray  & wonder, what would peanut have been, what color would his hair been, would he look like more me or hubs.

What would he ended up being? For now I am comforted that little peanut, is being comforted by papa R in heaven.

our little peanut

I'm tearing up typing this much, so I'll keep it brief.

We discovered at our appointment today, that our little peanut, has gone to be in heaven. Sometime between 8-9 weeks, is what they estimate, even though "technically" I am 13 weeks 6 days today.

I am scheduling surgery next week, my only option before the holiday would be tomorrow & they don't have any openings.

Thank you all for your prayers..