Tell me it gets easier.

So I've hard a hard time leaving the house today.

I guess it's due to that I have to go to the cemetery to pay their fees to open Andrews grave on Monday.

I was all ready. I got up this morning. I took a shower, I got dressed in real clothes. I did my hair. I had breakfast. & then I froze. I've been sitting here for about 3 hours unable to get into the car & go.

I guess the good thing is, they are open for another 2 1/2 hours.  Worst case is I go tomorrow.

Now I look like a train wreck too, cuz I've been balling my eyes out. I had even got myself calmed down & had printed out the e-mail with what I had to do, so I didn't have to utter the words. I'm paying for my sons' gravesite.

Don't worry I've come to the realization, that no matter how strong I am , I am going to have to get something for PPD, cuz it's just not getting any easier, and "normal" is not happening.

What is "Normal"

Thank you everyone for wrapping us in prayers.

I got home Friday, the docs, suggest getting back to "normal", but I am confused as to what "normal" should be.
So if it is "normal" I had chocolate chip cookies for dinner, because that's what I thought "normal" was.
So if it is "normal" we went to bed at 9 pm. & I was happy to sleep in my bed, with all my pillows & no IV forcing my left arm at my side.  So if it is "normal" I got up at 8am on a Saturday morning, took a shower, and had oatmeal for breakfast.  So my normal Saturday was going to the funeral home, to make my son's funeral arrangements. So yeah, if  that's normal, that's what my "normal" was today. I've had to sit in the same room before, to plan my dad's funeral. Now making my son's arrangements was not in my plan. But we decided to cremate Andrew and a week from Monday, when my in-laws are back, we will have a graveside service for him. His urn, will be placed, in my dad's arms, ( on top of my dad's casket ) at the cemetery. Simple, one place to go visit them both.

If it's normal I've only gone 2 hours withouth spontaneously crying..

I thought normal was registering for all the needs for our baby last week, but apparently this week, it's preparing for his funeral.

I've decided that I'm going to work from home this week, to be honest, I want my normal to not include so many intrusive people asking me 100's of times, how i'm doing, & dressing up & having to pretend to be happy.  I just want to sit in my yoga pants & t-shirt & eat break & bake chocolate chip cookies.