Birth Story - For Elizabeth Sarah

This was my view for labor. 

We arrived at the hospital at 4:30pm on the 14th. We got our wrist bands in admitting and headed up to the 2nd floor.  We rang the doorbell, at L&D and was greeted by Marty. She said. I know you really want room 225 or 226, but they aren't ready from renovations yet. Since no one else was in the dept yet, we had our choice of rooms ( all are small) we took room #6 in the corner. With the ugly stork on the wall. 

We went thru all the customary questions, meds, history, etc. The doc in the box, ( doc staying overnight on the floor in the on call room)  started my cervadil about 6pm. At the same time I got my hep-lock placed and an iv started. So for 2 hours I was not allowed to leave the bed, when it is first inserted. (Cervadil is like a long string) so it can be pulled anytime on its own, if anything is deemed wrong. I also had the monitors placed on my belly to watch contractions and Lizzie's heart rate. 

Besides a lot of checks through out the night and trips to the bathroom it was uneventful. My contractions did not intensify because of the cervadil ( they aren't supposed to some people start on their own ). At 4:45 am I got up to use the bathroom and the cervadil came out on its own. I let the nurse know. She went and got me some food, so I could eat, cuz there would be no more food til I delivered. (Remember I was gestational diabetic, they brought me a muffin, fruit cup, big glass of oj, and cereal. -- all no-no's for me)  

Right after 7am they started the pitocin drip. When my doctor ( Dr. G ) started his shift he came in to see us. He said he would let the Pitocin do it's thing for a while, before checking me. When they started the Pitocin, the nurse checked and I was still 1 -- not fully a 2 cm dilated.

About 10am we had a talk with Dr. G. he said unless it broke on it's own, we decided Noon was a good time to break the water.  During this time. I was up and down in the bed, -- using the bathroom frequently. We also watched a funeral for Mr. Hockey on TV. If Hubs phone rang for work- he would excuse himself to the hallway. The day nurse had bets that I would deliver 1st out of the 3 inductions. So about 12:15 Dr. G returned -- he did a check ( with  my permission ) and I was 2cm and he said if good, we will break the water. That gush still is such a weird feeling. Breaking the water definitely made things more intense. Until this time. I never said the pain was worse than a 3 ( out of a 1-10 scale). I tried to stay up and let gravity do it's thing once my water was broken. I also found much relief sitting on the toilet ( yes it's a recommendation of our birth instructor )  Each time I moved off the monitors, the nurse would come in to readjust and ask me about my pain level. She and I had an agreement, she would ask my pain level, and IF I wanted pain med, I would be the one to ask for it. About 1:30pm after many trips to the bathroom, Dr. G made his way back in to see how things were doing. I said can you check to see how things are going. He proclaimed I was 4cm -- he said normally  people dilate 1cm per hour.. I was super bummed -- on his time frame I was definitely missing dinner. ( 9 hours no food -- was making me famished ).

So once Dr. G left the room. I got back up, and let gravity work, and rested my arms/shoulders on the rocking chair in the room, and rocked back and forth with it. Then spent some time in the bathroom again. At some point I took my glasses off ( not focusing on anything - can't see without them ) and got really hot, and asked for some cold washclothes. I went and sat on the toilet again -- I must have been in there for a while, because the nurse came in, to see why I was unhooked from the monitors ( they watch them remotely from the nurses station).  By this time it was sometime after 2:15/2:25. I looked at her and said I really need something for the pain -- she said you were just a 3 on the pain scale.. I said well it's a 8+ now.  She said, can you hop up on the bed, and I can take a look. I said sure. Still no glasses on, the next thing that came out her mouth was, Dad,, push that red button -- When the button was answered, she said-- get the DELIVERY team/kit in here NOW. I was still breathing thru contractions, things moved quickly by them, but I was fully in the zone and not phased by anything they were doing. 

Once I got scooted up on the bed, and the bottom removed. ( Dr. G in the room now too ) he said. When you feel a contraction, and want to push give it a try. We did, and then Dr. G says -- baby has lots of hair.. - in my head, I'm thinking how do you know this?  ... 5 more pushes and ( I can feel that something is going on down there, but no one alerted me to any issues. ) Dr. G said give me the vacuum now. and Lucky, on your next contraction, push with everything you have, and if you have to rest, don't take a breathe. OKAY -- so with the next one I pushed like my life depended on it, and with a little help from the vacuum. -- Lizzie was here.  at 2:47 PM    She was 6lb 13oz and 19 3/4" her head was 13" around. 

Very quickly after the placenta delivered on it's own. Lizzie was attended to by the nurse, while I was stitched up. Lizzie had some skin - to skin - time with me -- before she headed down to special care to be evaluated by the neonatologist. ( Dr. R )  I remember the "count" they have to count all the tools used, and then had to put into the computer how many pushes it was -- I quickly pipped up -- 7 !!

Full disclaimer not all induction labors go this quick. This was my third induction.  I am very thankful I had a doctor who let me do as much "natural" as possible my #1 goal was no pain meds and I succeed in that. I wanted to be up and mobile during contractions and for the most part was allied that. I trusted my doctor to do what he needed to do to get Lizzie out safe. I am not mad or upset he did they vacuum. He did it along with a contraction. You would never know she had a vacuum (no cone head) she was puffy after birth, but that was because she descended so quickly. 

Shortly after they took Lizzie, I was asking to take a shower, so I could get down to her. So a nurse helped me with that, although they thought I was rushing, and someone else ordered me food ( it was around 4:30pm now. We moved down to our mother baby room. (222)

Dr. G had a busy night as 4-5 other babies were delivered. ( I was glad to be the first of the day, and have his undivided attention )

When Dr. G came to visit the next day - he apologized for not coming down the evening of delivery, but it was busy. He wanted to go over why/what he did at her arrival. He said I know you did not want a lot of intervention. This is when I found out for the first time, that she had a Nuchal Cord - it was wrapped around her neck 360 degrees. He said the vacuum was used ( -- because her heart rate wasn't tolerating the contractions well -- wasn't in super danger -- but he didn't want to run into an issue.  He had his finger between her neck and the cord trying to help( okay -- it was his hand I was feeling ) He said I was a super -awesome laborer - and he was happy to be a part of it.

Lizzie spent some time in special care - to be evaluated, because I was gestational diabetic. -- Having that super carb breakfast -- didn't help. Her first sugar was 18 ( they wanted over 40 )  they gave her  15ml of formula  and it was up to 48 -- so she spent about 12 hours there to make sure her sugars were satisfactory. Then because of her quick descent thru the birth canal. - she didn't get rid of all the fluid in her lungs -- so she laid under warmers and monitors to watch her.   Then at 48 hours they checked her bilirubin and it wasn't low enough for her age/gestation for us to leave, so she spent 36 hours under blue lights.  We were finally released to go when she was 100 hours old.  

All the nurses we ran into, all encouraged us to come back and visit.  Our friends in MFM came down 3 times to visit us while we were there.

So the only drawback to her going to special care right away and needing supplementation to meet "their" goals  ( weight - bilirubin - etc )  -- breastfeeding has been a challenge -- well let's just be honest she doesn't eat much at breast.  But since Day 1 -- I have been pumping for her.  Because she was early --there are other challenges too, her mouth is small, my nipples are supposedly large for her, etc. We've been in contact with a lactation consultant, who has given us some great tips, we are working on the at breast. She does okay in the morning, but as the day goes on, her want to have food, and NOW, greatly intensifies. ( if she is any bit fussy - she won't take breast at all ). She hasn't made it back to her birth weight yet. -- So our family doctor, wants her to have as much breast milk as possible, but asked us to supplement (after getting all pumped milk ) to "beef" her up. We go back for our 3rd weight check on July 5.

So momma is recovering well, from episiotomy. Still sore, and momma likes to over do it. I learned I am not super woman, and I need to take time for myself, and rest. Momma has lost all baby weight already, and then some. Momma had really bad water retention afterwards ( didn't even know it was a thing ) My ankles were so puffed up  and uncomfortable it was crazy. 

Anyways.. We are adjusting to a family of 3.. each day is so different. I can't believe she is 2 weeks old. 

David's birth story.

 

I had a very detailed birth plan written and signed off by my doctor. With the disclaimer from my doctor, that if the situation changed, I needed to be open & flexible to the "plan". Well I did get the calm & peaceful birth I desired, even though the outcome was not what we had "planned".  I guess you can say I had to let go & let god be in control.

 

On Wednesday, January 21, 2015 , we left for the hospital at 5:45 am. My husband had called a sedan service to take us there. The day before we had to leave my car at the hospital. It had kind of been a joke the last 2 months of pregnancy, that I might have to take a taxi/sedan to the hospital, if my husband was out snow plowing.

 

It was actually nice to be able to both be relaxed & let someone else drive the 45 minutes to the hospital. When we got to the hospital, we grabbed our bag out of the car, and headed into registration.

I lost it when the registration lady... asked if I knew if I was having a boy or girl. ..

 

We headed up to the second floor, to L&D. Our intention was to get there right at change of shift. 7am. So we would start off with a fresh nurse & hopefully be with the same person all day.  They were expecting us, as we were at the specialist at the hospital the day before. On Tuesday, when we found out we needed to deliver, I asked to go home. I said, I wanted one last night at home as a family. I knew an induction was going to be a long process & wanted a fresh new day to begin it. The doctor from my practice on call Tuesday, made me promise, that "if" my water broke, I come back in right away.

 

When we arrived in L&D we asked for a room out of the way, nurse Nancy, took us to  room 226, but the computer didn't work, so we moved to 225 ( we also delivered Andrew in 225 ) .  225 & 226 are LDR rooms. Which they only use for "specific" births. or to house mom's of twins, ( it's a larger room ). 225 was nice, quiet & peaceful. We also had a room with 2 windows, so we could see when the snow started falling.  Kinda like it is today:

 

 

So once we got settled in the room & got the lovely teal gown on. I ditched the cute birth gown, that I had ordered, just wasn't feeling the "special " gown by this point. I had it in the bag. So yes, I never left the room after this, as the teal beauty, exposed everything!  Since we hadn't seen a doctor yet, I told hubs he should go get some breakfast, so he would be fueled & ready for the day. I had brought some healthy treats, that I could sneak in between nurse visits, like cheese sticks, yogurt & goldfish. Hubs came back with the best smelling bacon & bagel..

 

About 8:30 the on-call doctor from our practice showed up to see us, he had just finished with the morning c-sections. He wanted to get in touch( speak in person) with the specialist, nurse we had been assigned to Linda who would be with us all day, and our doctor G; before he started the induction. He came back around 10am, saying he had just put in ALL the orders for lab work, he wanted those drawn, before we started pitocin. So the game plan was, labs ( 12 vials ) testing all sorts of things, to make sure I don't have any infections, any mysterious things like lupus, RA, etc. He explained that they would do placenta testing after birth, and encourages us to get an autopsy, to see if that further explains anything.  He checked me, I was 2 cm, before he left for the office ( across the street ) he would check back later with the nurse & the nurse would update him during the day.

 

Around 11am I got a saline lock inserted into my right arm. They started an IV drip & slowly started the pitocin drip. I also had a monitor placed on my belly to monitor my contractions. Linda would watch from the nurses station, and pretty much left us alone.. she would slowly increase the pitocin every 30-45 minutes.. The doctor checked me about 1pm at his lunch break, and I was 3cm.. he decided to break my water then. He & the nurse, kept pestering me to get an epidural or accept pain meds. I said  NO!  They couldn't imagine how I was so calm. I explained we took Hypnobirthing & were prepared for any outcome.

 

I really thought they were going to call the psych dept on me. They had the nurse manager come down & talk to me, & explain that my son was dead & that taking pain meds, would help ease the pain.. I politely explained, that I know he does not have a heartbeat, and that I still want to have the birth that I planned on, no medications, I was not in any physical pain, and would just wish, they would respect that.  So finally after explaining this to 4 people, they finally left us alone & let us birth in peace. I sat my nurse down & said, I know I am higher risk & my doctor, and I had a wonderful conversation around week 10.. .. That it was going to be a  long road to week 40; he could not promise us week 40 and a healthy baby, but as long as we did everything they asked, some might not be as easy as others, that we would have no regrets, no matter the outcome.  She still wasn't sold on this thinking..

 

My other reason for not wanting any drugs during birth; I knew our time with David would be counted in minutes & hours, not weeks, months & years. So I wanted to be 100% present during our short time with him. As long as I could bear a short amount of pain, it was all worth it. I credit Hypnobirthing to allowing me to manage my pain & be present also, so if you are pregnant, I highly recommend looking into it.. It's not what you might think it is.  

 

We had the tv on, but no volume, we watched the snow, my husband would fill my water up, I snuck a cheese stick in the afternoon for some energy.. My husband would slip out if he had to talk to his employees.

 

Some time between 3 & 4 pm I had been using the bathroom a LOT, it felt comfortable to sit on the toilet thru contractions. I eventually came back out to the bed and decided to stay standing and sway & lean over a chair during contractions. It helped David move with the gravity. The contractions by now, because of the pitocin, were a minute & half long and I had a 30 second break in between.

 

Shortly after 5pm the nurse was in, adjusting my monitors & I said the 'key' word, I need to have a BM. She let me go sit in the bathroom again, but when nothing happened, I came out & asked her to check me. The last time I was checked I was 3cm. So before she checked me, they switched out the bed I was in, to a L&D bed. ( not as comfortable as the recovery bed ).  So about 5:45 they checked me & she announced that I was 9cm. ( honestly I was probably a 10 ) but the doctor wasn't there, she quickly called out, find out when Dr. D is going to be back. He wasn't going to be back til 6:30pm. She told the other nurse, tell him don't delay. She kept telling me don't push, even if you want to. I just kept breathing thru all the contractions & she turned down the pitocin, so I wasn't having them every 30  seconds.

 

At 6:30pm they were hunting down Dr. D. he arrived in the hospital around 6:36.  So he quietly came in, to check me, and announced I was a 10. He told the nurses ( now Linda & Marty ) to let me start pushing & call him when I crowned. ( my husbands job, was to push the call button ) So we did a practice push, then another practice push to get how they wanted it done.  The first real pushing exercise, Hubs was told to push the call button. We breathed thru the next couple of contractions, while we waited for the doctor to show up. . So when he arrived, he said let me watch you push for a contraction.  He then said, this may sting, he gave me a shot to numb the perinium; and then started cutting. I guess I was getting an episiotomy. He then let me push one more time.. did a little more cutting, and then next push is when david started emerging. I do remember the doctor telling the nurses, who were both holding my knees, to watch the cord, he wanted everyone to watch the cord, for any abnormalities. David was out very quickly.. and then in another 3 minutes the placenta was delivered & then Dr. D started stitching me up. My husband was holding  David during this time.

The only part of the birth I don't remember, is that they had my bed jacked up to a level so the doctor did not have to lean down.. so apparently I was like 5' up in the air.. my hubs, said one nurse was on a step stool & hubs was almost on tip toes.

 

David was born at 7:06pm

 

Once I was able to sit up after stitching hubs passed David to me to hold.

 

We took pictures, with David, we held him, rocked him, weighed him, measured him, took his foot prints. Kissed him, loved on him, held him, and held him. The night nurse Liz picked out an outfit that was handmade to dress him in, got him a hat, that fit his head better.  The nurses brought him a big teddy bear as a gift. She then got the "baptism" kit & brought it in & we baptized him. 

 

We kept David with us in room til 11:30pm. They took him to his cold bed. She said if we woke up & wanted to hold him, she would get him, or we could get him back in the morning. If he stayed out all night with us, he would have started smelling.

 

We slept for about 6 hours that night, and first thing in the morning we asked for David back. Liz went and got him before her shift ended. 

The new doctor saw us about 8am. and asked if we wanted to stay or go home.  We wanted to go home.. She didn't ask me anything else & left.. (she's not a favorite of mine in the practice).

 

The nurse told us to spend as much time with David as we wanted, and she would get my discharge paperwork.  We left about 11am... after spending the rest of the morning with David, just loving on him.. It's the hardest thing to do, but leaving your child.. is not easy...

Miscarriage vs. Stillborn

 I had to look up what defines a stillborn. So a stillborn is your child with a gestational age over 18 weeks, before that it is considered a miscarriage. (From Wikipedia) Almost every state has varying different definition of what gestation/age is a miscarriage & stillborn is.

Some of the differences I've experienced with my miscarriage vs. stillborn.

My known miscarriage was at gestational age of 8/9 weeks, but was not detected in an office visit until 14 weeks (he had no heartbeat). Some peoples bodies naturally know that the baby is deceased & release the baby, whereas a woman sees spotting, bleeding, cramping. Then there are some peoples bodies hang onto them, and they have to be induced/removed. (either a pill is taken or some women have a D&E) With my stillborn son, my water broke (this does not happen to everyone) and I eventually went into labor.

Depending on how early in a pregnancy you tell friends/family, a miscarriage may be something you suffer silently with your husband. Most miscarriages happen early, some people so early they may not even know they are pregnant. In the case of my miscarriage, we were cautious, so we were waiting til our 2nd trimester. My appointments had got out of sync at my doctors office. So I was seen at 8 weeks by our doctor, at 12 weeks by their nurse ( this office's requirement of 1 nurse visit to go thru paperwork, nothing "medical" was done) and then at 14 weeks 6 days saw my doctor ( it was before Christmas, so this was going to be "16 week " appointment). We still hadn't told family, cuz we wanted to be sure & I wasn't showing, so who would know. So instead of the " Awesome" christmas present we had for everyone. I had a D&E the day after Christmas.

So after having a miscarriage when we became pregnant 6 months later ( our first real cycle after the loss) we became pregnant. In my husbands head we weren't going to tell anyone til I was showing. He had also thought Thanksgiving would be a good time too ( I would have been 7 months). I finally had convinced him that once we had our 18 week anatomy ultrasound we could share.. & we did, we had a BBQ & the family over & told them ALL. We had also started Hynobirthing classes at 18 weeks. ( they recommend classes in 2nd trimester ). This felt so real, although I hadn't said anything at work, cuz I wasn't showing again. I learned at my 3rd doctors visit, that my uterus was tipped back(into me) so I wouldn't "show" for a while. The tipped uterus also makes it more difficult to feel your child "kick". I did near the end feel Drew kicking, but nothing strong that I could let his dad feel.

With my miscarriage, Sammy hadn't come out on his own, so we had a "scheduled" time to remove his deceased body. In hospital terms, they deemed him a bunch of tissue, because of his gestational age, he wasn't formed into much more. I was put to sleep, he was removed, and the tissue remains were sent in for genetic testing. I woke up in recovery and as soon as I could stand up I could go home. I had a lot of bleeding for 2-3 days. Then I got another cycle about 2 weeks later. I was cleared by my doc to get back to trying when I had my next cycle.  I wasn't really looking to "chart" yet, but just kept an eye out for it to start, which it took 3 months for the next cycle to start ( well I finally called the doc after 3 months cuz it hadn't started, so I took meds to "start it".

With Drew, my water broke on a Tuesday morning at 9am. I called the office, they sent me to the hospital. I was checked out by the old timer, who told me I didn't know what water breaking was & did a little test & sent me on my way, telling me I must have some urinary incontinence problem. At 3am on Wednesday, I started having regular contractions 9 mins apart. Called my doc in the morning, drove to see him at 2pm. By now my contractions were 5-6 mins apart. He sent me straight to the Maternal Fetal Specialist (MFS) who determined I had no water left, my sac had completely broke, not a pin-hole leak & my son was being suffocated in the womb because their was no cushioning fluid. The MFS said our only option was to have an Abortion right now. Thankfully having gone thru our birth classes and being educated, I said NO, that was not for an option for us & I could birth him naturally. I think back now & still question how this doctor, practicing in a Catholic Hospital could even suggest as the best medical advice, and Abortion as the only option. He literally gave us no other option. He went on to tell me it was going to be long birth & did I want to endure that. I said sir I have been in labor already for 12 hours now, it can't be that much longer. He tried to tell me that I wasn't in labor. He called my doctor & my doc admitted me. ( this guy was not going to ).  Five hours after being admitted our son was born. He passed in the womb, but because it had been so long since my water broke, he was "infected" and therfore I had to be treated by IV for various infections he would pass to me. I birthed Drew naturally, I did ask for a 'relaxant' of some sort about an hour before his birth, but I was 100% there and did it all. He was 11" long , his head was 7" dia. and he weighed 330 grams. There was no evidence left of his sibling who passed in utero at 8 weeks gestation. When Drew was born, he was placed on my chest.. while they cut his cord. They checked my placenta to make sure it didn't have issues. The placenta delivered properly about 20 mins later.  My placenta & a piece of Drews thigh bone are being tested genetically to see if it leads us to any reasons for his early passing. With my stillborn birth, I had heavy bleeding for 2-3 days. but light bleeding still for 2 weeks. They say 2-6 weeks can be normal.

With my miscarriage occuring at the hospital, the remains were tested & disposed of medically.
With my stillborn son, I had to make arrangements for a funeral home to come pick up his remains. Then we had to decide if we were going to have him put in a casket & buried , or cremated.  We opted to have him cremated & his remains were buried in a gravesite.

With my miscarriage D&E,  I walked in in sweats, and left in sweats and my underwear too.
After a stillborn, I had spent several days in a hospital gown, and those weird stretchy hospital panties, and this giant pad thing. My hospital visit wasn't planned, so I didn't have the luxury of packing a bag.

With my miscarriage, I had a nice pep talk w/ the doc. He was so supportive, & thinking it was just gods will & we could try again, after a brief hiatus.  My emotional state was not broken. I bounced back quicly. I was ready to start trying as soon as we were given the approval.

With my stillborn. My doc was super supportive, big cheerleader. I didn't get a talk about it being god's will. He cried with us, when he came to see us. He ran a bunch more blood tests to see if that helps us determine if there is anything else we need to be watching out for. He is not speculating why, until we have all the tests back, which take 4-6 weeks. Wait there's that 6 week wait again.
We have to wait a minimum of 6 weeks, to put an "I"s on the chart. Let's just say, I'm not "ra-rah" lets' get on the bandwagon again. I feel broken, I feel hurt, I don't want it to happen again. I want to ask LOTS of questions. the 6 week wait may be longer.  It pains me, because we were advised to abstain the entire time we were pregnant.. & now longer & .. What hurts even more is reading these stupid books they gave us in the hospital. One says something about stillborns pull couples apart, because one or the other avoid having relations with each other, which leads to turmoil, or furthermore divorce.  Not that, it's going to happen here.. we are using SPICE.. there is not a whole lot of  "P" going on here, but a lot of S, C & E ..  Because of everything that happened at birth/infections and all. I have been on meds, and have developed infection after infection/ill effects of infection/ thrush/yeast infection/ etc. 

Some people experience the Pregnancy bump, I didn't have to endure this. nor maternity clothes. I was lucky enough to actually lose 10 lbs so far. Not having gained any weight during my pregnancy this was a nice hurdle to not have to deal with afterwards. Some ladies after a stillborn are left with " a pregnant looking tummy to have to lose/shrink. Without a baby to nurse to help" with the " weight loss.  With a miscarriage you generally are not far enough along to have to deal w/ any major weight gain issues/bump issues.

With a stillborn you are generally further along where you might have started buying/acquiring baby items, you know getting the nursery ready, because you found out what you are having & are excited for the little slugger or ballerina to arrive. The question then is what do you do with the nursery, do you get rid of everything, pack it up, or close off that room.  A miscarriage you probably haven't begun to ready a nursery yet, so it's not as much to think about.

Another question the nurses in the hospital couldn't answer. Would I have breast pain after my stillborn birth. I did not. Apparently because the pregnancy was not as advanced, my body did not signal milk to come in yet, & my boobs have shrunk back to 'somewhat' normal.

Most of the "brochures/books" given to me at the hospital were very generalized, but some very insensitive.  One was titled "Fetal" loss guide. Really call it an infant loss guide.. When I had a miscarriage I got no "fetal" loss guide. The nurses in L&D treated my son, like he was any other "infant" born there, he was bathed, dressed, had footprints taken, they took newborn pictures of him, the made a bassinet card for him. 3 of the 4 nurses I had during my stay, all shared their own stories of their losses with me, which was nice, because they "understood" I had one really insensitive nurse.. "Misty" I dont' wish something bad on someone, but because of how she treated me, i'm sure that's why she had a horrible night.. When she came on her shift. she came in & was like so WHAT have are we going to do with your son, cuz I need to get him out of here, before he starts smelling. Karma came to bite her in the ass later that night.. cuz she apparently had a bad night.. & let's just say the Director of nursing came to visit me the day I left & apologized for Misty's actions ( I hadn't said anything to anyone)

With a miscarriage people are quick to comment, to try again.  With a stillborn, people are asking, if I'll be able to have children, or if there is some abnormality in me. For real people I feel broken, I don't need you to ask me if I am.

Physical & Emotional pain has been very different. Physically my miscarriage was more painful for me.  I had to go under anethesia, nothing was natural about what happened, I was in pain afterwards, I took heavy pain meds. Mentally the miscarriage was not as hard, I hadn't felt my baby yet, I hadn't gained any weight, my body hadn't really expanded yet.  Physically my stillborn was much easier. I went thru everything naturally, I wasn't in any pain, I did not take any pain killers afterwards, I took things easy, I feel like running  a marathon now, but have been advised to not do anything strenuous for 6 weeks. Mentally not so easy, after you have felt your child, seen him on an ultrasound, birthed him, it's not so easy to "bounce back".

The best thing for me is for people to listen, when I want to talk, on my terms, when I am ready.
The people who understand the most, are those who have endured one. To which most say, I'm sorry, we went thru a ____ 1, 2, 5, 10 years ago. and they say nothing else, becuase they know, there are no perfect words, there is nothing that "really" makes it feel better. the other helpful one is :  We'll be praying for you.

With both there are unanswered questions of WHY? Why did God pick me to endure this? Did I do something to cause this? Could I have done something to avoid this? Do I want to potentially endure this again? Am I strong enough to endure this again? What can we do differently next time? Is there a next time for us?  I am having a tough time w/ the Is there a next time for us?

I really do not know if I am ready to try again, or if I can emotionally do this again. This one really hurt, it feels like I lost a part of myself. yes it was a part of me, but the empty void where my baby was housed in my uterus is even worse for me to not feel anymore.


This has been therapuetic for me to write out, I don't expect it to mean much to you if you haven't experienced any of these unfortunate events. If you do know someone going thru this, it might help them.

Thank you for your prayers & update on last 48 hours

Let me start by saying Thank you to everyone for their prayers.

Our little Andrew was born(still) last night at 11:01PM  he is now in heaven with his brother Samuel & his grandpa watching over them. Andrew was only 21 weeks.  he measured 11" long and looked perfect. He looked just like we saw him in our ultrasound pictures just 2 short weeks ago.

Going back 48 hours. on Tuesday, I went to work. I was sitting at my desk, & felt a gush of warm water. I headed to bathroom. & it was a BIG gush.  that I couldn't control. like my water breaking. I called my doctors office & they advised they were busy & for me to go to the L&D dept at the hospital & the on call doc would see me.  We went, the on call doc did a swab test & said that I didn't have any amniotic fluid,  but had no explanation of what hte gush was. The on call doc, was much older  & seemed knowledgeable. The on call doc from my office never came over, nor did anything. They did doppler & got a 150 HB and sent me home said everything was okay.  So i stayed home the rest of the day & worked from home. ( got a lot done too ).
During the early hours of Wednesday I started having "surges" that weren't relieved by moving around. but not consistent. I got up & got ready for work. Went in, when I got to work, I started writing the surges down. hmmm. 6-9 mins apart. I called the office where I knew MY DOC would be at & they said I could come in at 2:30 pm.  I got there at 2pm. The nurse on the phone, said you are just probably having braxton-hicks & not used to them.   OKAY!  When I finally got to see my doc, he did doppler & HB was 150. hmm same as yesterday, but he did not like the discharges I was having.& I was 2cm dialated & thinned out.  He called the Maternal Fetal specialists & had me go to the hospital to get an ultrasound & checked out by MFS. I drove straight there ( still have contractings 6 mins apart ) Hubs met me there. The ultrasound showed no amniotic fluid & drew's HB was now in the 90's. My doc admitted me for observation & to put me on antibiotics, and bed rest under supervision.  I got put on monitors to watch  my contractions, Hypnobirthing works!! They were so sure I wasn't contracting, cuz I wasn't acting all crazy & hyper when I had contractions.(like the ladies in rooms around me)  So after a couple of hours in a small L&D room. we got transferred to a larger/more descreet, out of the way. L&D/Mother Baby room.  By this time it was 8pm. we had nothing with us & not eaten. I sent hubs home ( 1.5 hours round trip ) to take his truck home  & get a ride back & pick us up toiletries & clothes. He left about 8:30. When i got in the new room, I was monitored for aabout 20mins & then the nurse said. .I will take the monitor off, but I want you to tell me when they are getting closer & more intense. so about 9pm I started writing down the times. Whoa... 3 mins apart.  about 9:45 I asked to be checked ( the first time while at the hospital )  to my surprise she said. let me get the doc. I was 4 cm & she said with this early, I wouldn't being going to 10.  Everything was getting more pressure... so I asked for some pain relief -mild-mild-mild to take the edge off it. I got some stadol put in my iv. I got really relaxed & called hubs at about 10:15 & said you better get here soon.  He got back to teh room at 10:30pm. the doc came to check me & said he'd be back in a few.. to check me.. he came back about 10:55 & nicely he didn't get all garbed up.. he checked me & said.. when you are ready I want you to bear down.. w/ one push Andrew was here. They showed us Andrew right away. The way the doc explained it, is w/ no fluid. he was essentially suffocated in the womb.  why he was so blue. The doc also said  that the baby smelled foul, so the theories are 1) baby got an infection that caused water to break.  2) water broke, don't know why, & baby got infection from being so long w/ no water.
The doc who delivered us, ordered more antibiotics & informed us we'd probably be here( hospital) for a few days for IV antibiotics. We also had white blood cell counts done & those were high..  so all day today(thursday) i've been on 3 doses of antibiotics.. running simultanious & doses getting higher as I finish each one( they are staggered)  I'm also getting Pitocin to help my uterus shrink. since I was not near term, they say my body will not create oxytocin to shrink it naturally.

The staff while I've been hospitalized has been super nice. The night nurse that delivered us. Brought us some brochures beforehand about stillborns  & miscarriage & all the decisions we would have to make. Once the baby was born. she took him, cleaned him up, dressed him in a homemade gown & cap. she made footprints for us. She also took pictures of him in his out fit & all his features. fingers, toes, his cute nose.  She & the doc encouraged us to hold him, he is in a bassinet in the baby area attached to our room. We both cried, seeing him. he looks much bigger than he felt, but he was all fully perfectlly formed.   we willl have genetic testing done, but I assume will come back with nothing as did his brother sammy. It's nice, cuz the nurses caring for me, have all shared with me their stories of their losses. They have all been caring & sympathetic.