Fuzzy

My mind is already fuzzy.

So I don't forget certain details, I will document them here.

Day before I tested, we went to our dioceses pregnancy and infant loss mass. So in addition to Sam, Andrew, and David being prayed for at the mass. We were given a blessing for those wishing to conceive. We were blessed with a St. Gerard relic.  We received rosaries for each of our boys. 

When I emailed my doctor, to inform him, he responded with smiley emoji in the email.  Not exactly what I expected, but he is very sweet.

On All Souls Day, we attended our parish mass, and we placed a candle on the altar for David. (All those deceased had a candle displayed during mass).

Just a tree

Late to the party, but late September, we got our tree planted for the boys. 

It's a red sunset maple. I love the fall color it has.  I like that it still has its leaves right now. Perfect tree to remember our boys. We planted outside our bedroom window, in our backyard. Also visible from our desk. 

I had one stone made. Didn't know how much room I would have. 

3 Sons

So while on IF Island. We went to the North Channel  and walked around the harbor before dinner.

We happened upon this yacht trying to make its way into dock.

The current was very strong, it took 2 attempts to make the landing perfect.

It is a very large yacht. Very uncharacteristic for the area.  We waited and waited to see someone get off. We were kinda the paparazzi of the island. Nothing was happening except for grumbling tummies. So we walked to the restaurant.  While eating dockside, we saw a small skiff boat launch off it. The men on the small boat were battling the current trying to fish. (Haha). Fish did a very good job of hiding  while we were on IF island. 

After dinner, we walked back down the harbor, now the sun had definitely  set, and a much cooler breeze was present.

A nice gentleman  was outside, checking the ropes. We had been throwing out guesses has to how big the boat was. We'll the only way to settle it, was to ask the guy on the dock. The boat was named Three Sons ( kinda ironic). I have 3 Sons too. So we approached the guy, and said, can u settle a bet. He said I'll try. I said how long is the boat. He said 130 feet. ( he said, I can't convert to meters quick in my head ( we were in Canada ). I said no worries were from the states.  He said where abouts, we told him, and then he said by the way, who won the bet. I said --I did.

He was very nice and answered the techie boat questions# diesel engine, how big the fuel tanks were, etc. So then we said, so how come the owners aren't with the boat. He said. Oh, I'm one of the Three sons. WOW!!  We went on to talk about the business they are in, what brought them to the island. They are from Minneapolis. They had their mom traveling with them. All Three sons, help with the running of the yacht, even though they do have a crew.  He asked about the fishing around there. Told us where they were headed. Very genuine, nice guy. I could tell his mom raised him right. Even though it  was very obvious they had money, he wasn't flaunting it.

Much thinking, and missing my three sons after seeing this yacht.

Memorial Day.

 A month or so ago I received a package. 

It had a blank customs declarations  form on it.  It was post marked several weeks before. When I opened the box it had a smell I will never forget. The mix of sand, grit, sweat, tears, fear and determination. 

As I pulled out the contents; 1 neatly folded American flag and 1 weathered 2 pocket folder. The folder contained a letter.  Thanking me for the packages I sent to their troops. 

This flag has flown over a U.S. Base in an undisclosed location. It has been looked upon day and night by thousands  of service men and women. It serves as a symbol of our patriotism and reminds us of why we volunteer to serve our nation. Like our members here it has endured temperatures, dust and humidity resulting in it becoming torn and tattered, because of this it has been retired. I ask that you care for this symbol as you have cared for the men and women here. 

To honor with dignity. 

I have yet to find a case for it. I will display it next to my dads folded casket flag. 

To honor with dignity. So many meanings in this phrase. I know not just anyone receives one of these. I was sent this after David's loss. In my sleepless nights, I communicated with my cousin deployed in the undisclosed location. Not a man of many words, but To honor with dignity will stick with me for a while. 

Today, I pray for those who won't make it home, from overseas, and are head to their eternal home. 

I also want to thank those who serve our country with honor and dignity. 

Due date February 7.

Some lovely friends, had a mass said for hubs & I at a historic church downtown. 

Little did they know this was our due date for  David. 

Little did the organist know us,  that the prelude music he played, was the same music I walked down  the aisle to marry the hubs.

Mass was said by a former pastor. I always feel his homilies are 100% directed at me. Today, did not disappoint. 

He talked about Why? & not always having an answer to every why? But as long as we have faith, that is what will get us through.  Much more in depth, but that's what he hit on. 

Also got our St. Blaise blessing. Curing all ailments of the throat, and anything else  ailing the body. Good thing, cuz I have had a stomach bug, but didn't want to miss the mass. Feeling much better afterwards. 

Homily & David's Funeral Mass

We met with Fr. Paul, 5 days before David's funeral.  Fr. Paul is a young priest, ordained 3 years ago. He has the gift to have clear & concise homilies, that everyone "gets". 

When we met with him, he asked how we were doing. He said that he didn't want to pick any readings from the "normal" funeral readings, he said those are geared for persons who have lived a long life. I relinquished all mass preparation to him. It was nice to not have to worry about it.

So then he started asking questions about what he would like the homily to be about. He said, since David's time here was not measured in months & years; he said normally I meet with the family & they tell me stories about the deceased so I have something to elaborate on, whether they liked fishing, or a sport, or a favorite devotion, or etc. Since their were not stories like that to expand on. So we talked about our thoughts & what would like relayed about David's life.

We explained to him ahead of time, that we were at Peace. I explained the conversation we had early on with our doctor, that if we did everything that our doctors asked of us, no matter what the outcome, we would have no regrets. I said I am at peace. I said I knew I did everything possible to keep David safe, but there is just something unknown about why I keep losing my children. I told him that 1 in 160 births end in stillborn, but most people hide their loss, or grief.  We explained that many people that are going to be there, still don't get how we can be at "peace" with losing our child & not knowing WHY that happened.

Fr. Paul reminded the 2 of us, that we could be mad, & he encouraged us to be mad, but always talk to god about it, pray to him, keep loving our spouse, talk to each other, pray with each other. But never be mad at each other. He reminded us that we always have each other.

Since we were only having a funeral mass, we had about 1/2 hour before mass started to gather in the vestibule to greet family & friends. We told Fr. Paul, that we would have a couple of pictures of David for people to see, so that they could visually see he was a normal looking baby..perfect looking. So many people choked up, because he looked so perfect.. We also had 2 pictures, Happy pictures, of hubs & I both holding them. Fr. Paul, said people need to see that you aren't sad.

Flowers from coworkers

*********************************************************************

When Fr. Paul speaks; he often closes his eyes, and the words just flow so eloquently. He did not have anything written on paper. He spoke from the heart.  A few people asked us afterwards, did you see the priest closed his eyes, I said yes.. that's how I know it's truly from the heart. 

Flowers from some lovely bloggers!!

( this is not the exact homily, since Father does not write it down, it all flowed eloquently from his lips, so this is my summary of his homily )


So he started with David, the beloved one.

Everyone here is because David touched their heart in some way.

Some of you may question WHY? Why David, why M&K ?
Why David, Andrew & Samuel?
It's natural to wonder Why, but we may never know why. We know he was chosen to be a Saint.
He explained that their may never be an answer to Why. He explained that Faith allows us to accept the unknown.

Our time with a loved one is never guaranteed.

He talked about the medical community, and doing the best they can, and that sometimes their are situations that are not explainable.

He then said, When I talked to M&K they said they know David is in Heaven, because they have faith.  They accept that their time was limited with David; but that those moments were cherished.

He touched on; just because M&K accept what happened, accepting doesn't mean they can't be Angry. Doesn't mean that anyone here can't be Angry; You can be Angry, but you still need to talk to God. You still need to pray.

 If you stop communicating with him, you won't be angry with him, you will only be angry with yourself. 

He said Faith is what keeps people together in times of loss. He said M&K have huge faith, to bear this cross, accept the loss of their child, and freely give him to God.

He gave everyone there 2 "assignments" if you will. Pray for M&Kand David, and to keep the lines of communication open with God.

 

 

The other thing I haven't questioned.. or asked WHY ?

So I gave birth on 1/21/15.

All the paperwork I came home with, has his DOD as 1/22/15

I do know that something that the doctor signed on 1/21 had to be re-written on 1/22 cuz something was not written correctly. . .

 

Why you ask did I not ask WHY? What? 1/22 was the March for LIFE..

I'm Okay with that being his DOD on record. I know there were a LOT of people at the March praying for him.

*********************************************************

 flowers from another group of coworkers.

So the first reading was from Isaiah, it was about ending death. going back today to find the exact passage, I was skimming and I realized, Fr. Paul picked that cuz he knew I would go back & read the entire book of Isaiah now..  I guess something to do in the next few weeks at home.

The gospel.. I cried thru, no recollection of it any more.. sorry.. I got it together after that.. that was my only crying spell during the mass.

So for music.:

Opening: I Have Loved You.
Psalm : To You O Lord, I Lift my Soul, to you, I lift my soul.
Offertory: You are Near
Communion Hymn: Eye has not seen
Closing: O God Beyond All Praising

I kind of was complacent, with the music, they had a check list with 5-6 "popular" songs to pick from in each category..  The closing song was not in the check list  but they made it happen.
on Eagles Wings was in every category..

There were a lot of tissues used during the mass.. I could hear the sniffles behind me.. except for the gospel I was strong & kept composed. At the end of the mass after the Closing song was done, the funeral director ( sweet man ) got my coat, and then removed David's baby urn out of the ossuary. He was place in a plastic urn, the remains of an infant are not substantial, therefore we have never ordered an adult size urn ( i don't know that they make baby urns  )  The urn was in the ossuary, which is a wooden Chapel, looking vessel, to hold him in during the mass.  So once David was out of the ossuary, we processed out, and so many people cried seeing him walk out in our arms.

Hubs & I took one a flower arrangement to Mary, and then we exited to our car, and made the 1 mile drive to the cemetery, where everyone gathered at the grave. We are able to put David in the grave with my dad & Andrew.  So for the baby urns, they only make about a 3 foot hole.  Fr. Paul, did the graveside prayers. The sun appeared, the birds were chirping.  I had held him so tightly when we left the church, the entire drive to the cemetery. I knew it was be his only trip in the car with us.  We had just taken his car seat out of the car the day before. I felt at peace, I knelt down on the ground and placed his little urn in the ground. As customary in old days, we put the first shovel of  earth on him in the grave. We allowed our parents, relatives & anyone else who wanted to shovel a scoop of earth on him to do so. Fr. Paul, explained as people were doing this, that this is a good example of the corporal works of mercy.  I would guess about 30 people at the grave site, put a scoop of earth on David. 

We left the cemetery, and headed to lunch at a nearby restaurant.

After hearing the homily, not ONE person, asked WHY? No one asked, well do you know why it happened, what do they suspect?  So many people said I'm glad you have each other! So many people reminded us of the homily. Some even said, if you are ever angry, call me, I'll listen, I'll pray for you, but don't stop praying & communicating with God.   No one asked are you going to try again..

Prayer card.

David's birth story.

 

I had a very detailed birth plan written and signed off by my doctor. With the disclaimer from my doctor, that if the situation changed, I needed to be open & flexible to the "plan". Well I did get the calm & peaceful birth I desired, even though the outcome was not what we had "planned".  I guess you can say I had to let go & let god be in control.

 

On Wednesday, January 21, 2015 , we left for the hospital at 5:45 am. My husband had called a sedan service to take us there. The day before we had to leave my car at the hospital. It had kind of been a joke the last 2 months of pregnancy, that I might have to take a taxi/sedan to the hospital, if my husband was out snow plowing.

 

It was actually nice to be able to both be relaxed & let someone else drive the 45 minutes to the hospital. When we got to the hospital, we grabbed our bag out of the car, and headed into registration.

I lost it when the registration lady... asked if I knew if I was having a boy or girl. ..

 

We headed up to the second floor, to L&D. Our intention was to get there right at change of shift. 7am. So we would start off with a fresh nurse & hopefully be with the same person all day.  They were expecting us, as we were at the specialist at the hospital the day before. On Tuesday, when we found out we needed to deliver, I asked to go home. I said, I wanted one last night at home as a family. I knew an induction was going to be a long process & wanted a fresh new day to begin it. The doctor from my practice on call Tuesday, made me promise, that "if" my water broke, I come back in right away.

 

When we arrived in L&D we asked for a room out of the way, nurse Nancy, took us to  room 226, but the computer didn't work, so we moved to 225 ( we also delivered Andrew in 225 ) .  225 & 226 are LDR rooms. Which they only use for "specific" births. or to house mom's of twins, ( it's a larger room ). 225 was nice, quiet & peaceful. We also had a room with 2 windows, so we could see when the snow started falling.  Kinda like it is today:

 

 

So once we got settled in the room & got the lovely teal gown on. I ditched the cute birth gown, that I had ordered, just wasn't feeling the "special " gown by this point. I had it in the bag. So yes, I never left the room after this, as the teal beauty, exposed everything!  Since we hadn't seen a doctor yet, I told hubs he should go get some breakfast, so he would be fueled & ready for the day. I had brought some healthy treats, that I could sneak in between nurse visits, like cheese sticks, yogurt & goldfish. Hubs came back with the best smelling bacon & bagel..

 

About 8:30 the on-call doctor from our practice showed up to see us, he had just finished with the morning c-sections. He wanted to get in touch( speak in person) with the specialist, nurse we had been assigned to Linda who would be with us all day, and our doctor G; before he started the induction. He came back around 10am, saying he had just put in ALL the orders for lab work, he wanted those drawn, before we started pitocin. So the game plan was, labs ( 12 vials ) testing all sorts of things, to make sure I don't have any infections, any mysterious things like lupus, RA, etc. He explained that they would do placenta testing after birth, and encourages us to get an autopsy, to see if that further explains anything.  He checked me, I was 2 cm, before he left for the office ( across the street ) he would check back later with the nurse & the nurse would update him during the day.

 

Around 11am I got a saline lock inserted into my right arm. They started an IV drip & slowly started the pitocin drip. I also had a monitor placed on my belly to monitor my contractions. Linda would watch from the nurses station, and pretty much left us alone.. she would slowly increase the pitocin every 30-45 minutes.. The doctor checked me about 1pm at his lunch break, and I was 3cm.. he decided to break my water then. He & the nurse, kept pestering me to get an epidural or accept pain meds. I said  NO!  They couldn't imagine how I was so calm. I explained we took Hypnobirthing & were prepared for any outcome.

 

I really thought they were going to call the psych dept on me. They had the nurse manager come down & talk to me, & explain that my son was dead & that taking pain meds, would help ease the pain.. I politely explained, that I know he does not have a heartbeat, and that I still want to have the birth that I planned on, no medications, I was not in any physical pain, and would just wish, they would respect that.  So finally after explaining this to 4 people, they finally left us alone & let us birth in peace. I sat my nurse down & said, I know I am higher risk & my doctor, and I had a wonderful conversation around week 10.. .. That it was going to be a  long road to week 40; he could not promise us week 40 and a healthy baby, but as long as we did everything they asked, some might not be as easy as others, that we would have no regrets, no matter the outcome.  She still wasn't sold on this thinking..

 

My other reason for not wanting any drugs during birth; I knew our time with David would be counted in minutes & hours, not weeks, months & years. So I wanted to be 100% present during our short time with him. As long as I could bear a short amount of pain, it was all worth it. I credit Hypnobirthing to allowing me to manage my pain & be present also, so if you are pregnant, I highly recommend looking into it.. It's not what you might think it is.  

 

We had the tv on, but no volume, we watched the snow, my husband would fill my water up, I snuck a cheese stick in the afternoon for some energy.. My husband would slip out if he had to talk to his employees.

 

Some time between 3 & 4 pm I had been using the bathroom a LOT, it felt comfortable to sit on the toilet thru contractions. I eventually came back out to the bed and decided to stay standing and sway & lean over a chair during contractions. It helped David move with the gravity. The contractions by now, because of the pitocin, were a minute & half long and I had a 30 second break in between.

 

Shortly after 5pm the nurse was in, adjusting my monitors & I said the 'key' word, I need to have a BM. She let me go sit in the bathroom again, but when nothing happened, I came out & asked her to check me. The last time I was checked I was 3cm. So before she checked me, they switched out the bed I was in, to a L&D bed. ( not as comfortable as the recovery bed ).  So about 5:45 they checked me & she announced that I was 9cm. ( honestly I was probably a 10 ) but the doctor wasn't there, she quickly called out, find out when Dr. D is going to be back. He wasn't going to be back til 6:30pm. She told the other nurse, tell him don't delay. She kept telling me don't push, even if you want to. I just kept breathing thru all the contractions & she turned down the pitocin, so I wasn't having them every 30  seconds.

 

At 6:30pm they were hunting down Dr. D. he arrived in the hospital around 6:36.  So he quietly came in, to check me, and announced I was a 10. He told the nurses ( now Linda & Marty ) to let me start pushing & call him when I crowned. ( my husbands job, was to push the call button ) So we did a practice push, then another practice push to get how they wanted it done.  The first real pushing exercise, Hubs was told to push the call button. We breathed thru the next couple of contractions, while we waited for the doctor to show up. . So when he arrived, he said let me watch you push for a contraction.  He then said, this may sting, he gave me a shot to numb the perinium; and then started cutting. I guess I was getting an episiotomy. He then let me push one more time.. did a little more cutting, and then next push is when david started emerging. I do remember the doctor telling the nurses, who were both holding my knees, to watch the cord, he wanted everyone to watch the cord, for any abnormalities. David was out very quickly.. and then in another 3 minutes the placenta was delivered & then Dr. D started stitching me up. My husband was holding  David during this time.

The only part of the birth I don't remember, is that they had my bed jacked up to a level so the doctor did not have to lean down.. so apparently I was like 5' up in the air.. my hubs, said one nurse was on a step stool & hubs was almost on tip toes.

 

David was born at 7:06pm

 

Once I was able to sit up after stitching hubs passed David to me to hold.

 

We took pictures, with David, we held him, rocked him, weighed him, measured him, took his foot prints. Kissed him, loved on him, held him, and held him. The night nurse Liz picked out an outfit that was handmade to dress him in, got him a hat, that fit his head better.  The nurses brought him a big teddy bear as a gift. She then got the "baptism" kit & brought it in & we baptized him. 

 

We kept David with us in room til 11:30pm. They took him to his cold bed. She said if we woke up & wanted to hold him, she would get him, or we could get him back in the morning. If he stayed out all night with us, he would have started smelling.

 

We slept for about 6 hours that night, and first thing in the morning we asked for David back. Liz went and got him before her shift ended. 

The new doctor saw us about 8am. and asked if we wanted to stay or go home.  We wanted to go home.. She didn't ask me anything else & left.. (she's not a favorite of mine in the practice).

 

The nurse told us to spend as much time with David as we wanted, and she would get my discharge paperwork.  We left about 11am... after spending the rest of the morning with David, just loving on him.. It's the hardest thing to do, but leaving your child.. is not easy...

By golly I think they GOT it!

I promise I'm working on a post about our birth. Really it's in my draft!!

More interesting at the moment.

 After David's funeral today, my MIL asked how we can fit David & Andrew into the family picture that was taken last year ( the one that caused a huge rift- because of everyone's insensitive nature of our recent loss of Andrew). Even though she is devoutly Catholic & hugely prolife family, she just hadn't grasped, losing a child. She now gets that they are grandchildren, just that they will meet her in heaven one day. I think she got it before, but really gets it now. 

Hubs brother & SIL were kind enough to ask the day before the funeral, if it was okay if they brought their daughter, she is 4 months old. They didn't want to offend by bringing their young daughter. I'm sure they asked , because at Xmas they asked me if I wanted to hold her & I declined.  We told them it was perfectly fine to bring her to the funeral. We just said, we have a hard time hold someone else's child right now. 

I really feel like it was a wonderful day, cold outside, but peaceful, a beautuil tribute to our son. Many faith filled people showed up to support us. Many shared stories of losing A child, but couldn't imagine losing   4, and still be faith filled. 

I will share the beautiful homily later. 

Humbling

The most humbling for me over the last week, is being able to admit I cannot do it ALL anymore.

I usually am the one holding everyone together. I am keeping a united front.  But ! I have been asking for HELP. Which is not something I like doing,  maybe I like being in control?

Some people may laugh, but I had a hard time letting someone come in and clean my house. Yes I did like the result. But I feel so incapacitated. Healing & resting does not come easy for me.

Maybe once David's funeral is done this weekend, I can take it easy. I just want things to be perfect. Still don't think I'll relax-relax. Maybe just chill a little more.

+peace