sunrise
Don't forget that each day even though sometimes you never want to end. Or better yet can't wait to end. Will always start fresh the next day. The sunrise is a fresh start to each new day.
Showing posts with label stillbirth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stillbirth. Show all posts
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Just a tree
Late to the party, but late September, we got our tree planted for the boys.
It's a red sunset maple. I love the fall color it has. I like that it still has its leaves right now. Perfect tree to remember our boys. We planted outside our bedroom window, in our backyard. Also visible from our desk.
I had one stone made. Didn't know how much room I would have.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
2 Years.
October 2, was the 2nd anniversary of having Andrew.
I am still amazed at the lack of sensitivity, in certain Pro-life family members.
We were also stung with the news that hubs sister had her 9th child on this day.
We are just both in disbelief, that God would test our hearts so much on this day.
To say it's still tough on us is an understatement.
I took the day off from work, to allow myself some down time. I spent the morning planting. The afternoon I drove my hubs to pick up a truck. We spent the evening quietly at home.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
21 weeks
In light of what's been published on the web about PP videos, I feel it is necessary to share these very intimate pictures.
These are very precious,to me, pictures of my son, Andrew. He was stillborn at 21 weeks; we don't know why my water broke, but he arrived a few weeks too early. I have never shared, because society has silenced so many about stillbirth and miscarriage.
I want those who think PP is doing research on blobs of tissue, to look, closely.
I don't see blobs of tissue. I see perfectly formed hands, feet, and a perfectly cute nose.
I delivered my son, naturally in the hospital. He was not extracted out, nor dismembered into metal trays. Everything about him was intact, just petite.
Nothing about him is a blob of tissue.
His hands are perfectly formed.
His feet were always kicking away.
He had all the features of a newborn at birth, he was just a tad smaller.
So you have an idea at 21 weeks, he was 12" long, his head was 6 3/4" circumference.
He weighed just under a pound. He was considered on target for his gestational age.
What I want you to realize today, babies like Andrew, or any 21 week baby. They are not a blob of tissue. They are skin and bones, flesh and blood.
I saw his heart beating on ultrasound a minimum of 4 times in his 21 weeks. His heart was beating --faintly a mere hour before delivery.
Never was he treated like a science experiment, he was always treated as if he was a precious baby. After delivery he was bathed, foot-printed, and clothed; just as any other infant would.
We held him, rocked him, sang to him, just as you would your newborn.
I wish more women seeking abortion would take a moment and see what they are really doing. These are not blobs of tissue, science experiments. These are precious children of God.
The pictures are not to be shared without the consent of luckyassunshine.blogspot.com
Please remember these are our precious memories of our child.
I can be reached at luckysunhine25 at gmail dot com
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Breaking the silence of Stillborn
Taboo topics..
Most people assume that stillbirth is rare. Probably not as rare as you might think.
Statistically 1 in 160 births ends in stillbirth. Stillbirth is defined as pregnancy for a gestational age over 20 weeks.
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The statistic I am not comfortable with--- 90% of stillbirth parents end up splitting up/divorcing. That is a scary statistic people.
WHY? Do couples blame each other? I just can't grasp my head around this one. Read the poem above. Do people just drift apart. I don't understand how that happens? Lack of communication, does this mean, that one person suffered thru the stillbirth, alone without support of the other? I will admit, that after a loss, a lot of the material, they provide focuses mainly on the needs of the mother. Not the mother & father, or the couple, just the mother. It took 2 people to create this child. Two people need to come together to support each other and communicate.
I will bet my husband is glad I'm returning to work ( outside of the house ) this week. I will bet he will be ready for silence. He might tell you I talk a lot; it may not be about anything super important, but I'm talking to him constantly. We are communicating people !!
We went out for a Date on Thursday night, had Date night -in- on Friday night, and went out for a Date on Sunday afternoon. He realized that we needed to get out as a couple, he would rather stay-in and go to bed at 8:30. I however would rather get out. So we had a give & take kind of date night weekend.. Out for me one night, stay in watch movies for him kind of night, and then out on Sunday afternoon to a movie, we both wanted to see.
( movie recap - American Sniper **** Let's be Cops * Boyhood *** )
Key to banishing this statistic Communication + Love
Notice I didn't say anything about between the sheets, that is not going to fix anything. If you need some SPICE ideas, I wrote about them recently.
+Peace+
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Suppressing
So one of the sensitive issues for me after David's birth, was what to do with my milk. I was full term. So there was no question that it would come in.
Breastfeeding was something I wanted so desperately to do with David. I had read books, articles, tons of articles, talked to some fabulous bloggers. I had ordered & received a pump so I would be prepared to go back to work. I was pro mama and pro breastfèeding for all the wonderful benefits for baby.
So then I have no baby to feed, and then , this story had been flying around the Internet about a courageous Teen Mother , who had given her child up for adoption. She also was educated during her pregnancy about the benefits of breastmilk. She made the decision to pump her milk after placing the child for adoption. She pumped and shipped the milk to the family.
I have read stories about women who have lost their child, who pumped and donated to milk banks. If you had mentioned this 2 years ago, I would have so been that lady. Now that I am in the position to pump for someone else, I just can't. Physically I am sure I could have. Mentally I couldn't. I am sorry to any of you adoptive mama's who rely on milk banks, or anyone else that might rely on them. I am just not emotionally strong enough to do it.
I will just suffer silently with ice packs in my sports bra.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
David's birth story.
I had a very detailed birth plan written and signed off by my doctor. With the disclaimer from my doctor, that if the situation changed, I needed to be open & flexible to the "plan". Well I did get the calm & peaceful birth I desired, even though the outcome was not what we had "planned". I guess you can say I had to let go & let god be in control.
On Wednesday, January 21, 2015 , we left for the hospital at 5:45 am. My husband had called a sedan service to take us there. The day before we had to leave my car at the hospital. It had kind of been a joke the last 2 months of pregnancy, that I might have to take a taxi/sedan to the hospital, if my husband was out snow plowing.
It was actually nice to be able to both be relaxed & let someone else drive the 45 minutes to the hospital. When we got to the hospital, we grabbed our bag out of the car, and headed into registration.
I lost it when the registration lady... asked if I knew if I was having a boy or girl. ..
We headed up to the second floor, to L&D. Our intention was to get there right at change of shift. 7am. So we would start off with a fresh nurse & hopefully be with the same person all day. They were expecting us, as we were at the specialist at the hospital the day before. On Tuesday, when we found out we needed to deliver, I asked to go home. I said, I wanted one last night at home as a family. I knew an induction was going to be a long process & wanted a fresh new day to begin it. The doctor from my practice on call Tuesday, made me promise, that "if" my water broke, I come back in right away.
When we arrived in L&D we asked for a room out of the way, nurse Nancy, took us to room 226, but the computer didn't work, so we moved to 225 ( we also delivered Andrew in 225 ) . 225 & 226 are LDR rooms. Which they only use for "specific" births. or to house mom's of twins, ( it's a larger room ). 225 was nice, quiet & peaceful. We also had a room with 2 windows, so we could see when the snow started falling. Kinda like it is today:
So once we got settled in the room & got the lovely teal gown on. I ditched the cute birth gown, that I had ordered, just wasn't feeling the "special " gown by this point. I had it in the bag. So yes, I never left the room after this, as the teal beauty, exposed everything! Since we hadn't seen a doctor yet, I told hubs he should go get some breakfast, so he would be fueled & ready for the day. I had brought some healthy treats, that I could sneak in between nurse visits, like cheese sticks, yogurt & goldfish. Hubs came back with the best smelling bacon & bagel..
About 8:30 the on-call doctor from our practice showed up to see us, he had just finished with the morning c-sections. He wanted to get in touch( speak in person) with the specialist, nurse we had been assigned to Linda who would be with us all day, and our doctor G; before he started the induction. He came back around 10am, saying he had just put in ALL the orders for lab work, he wanted those drawn, before we started pitocin. So the game plan was, labs ( 12 vials ) testing all sorts of things, to make sure I don't have any infections, any mysterious things like lupus, RA, etc. He explained that they would do placenta testing after birth, and encourages us to get an autopsy, to see if that further explains anything. He checked me, I was 2 cm, before he left for the office ( across the street ) he would check back later with the nurse & the nurse would update him during the day.
Around 11am I got a saline lock inserted into my right arm. They started an IV drip & slowly started the pitocin drip. I also had a monitor placed on my belly to monitor my contractions. Linda would watch from the nurses station, and pretty much left us alone.. she would slowly increase the pitocin every 30-45 minutes.. The doctor checked me about 1pm at his lunch break, and I was 3cm.. he decided to break my water then. He & the nurse, kept pestering me to get an epidural or accept pain meds. I said NO! They couldn't imagine how I was so calm. I explained we took Hypnobirthing & were prepared for any outcome.
I really thought they were going to call the psych dept on me. They had the nurse manager come down & talk to me, & explain that my son was dead & that taking pain meds, would help ease the pain.. I politely explained, that I know he does not have a heartbeat, and that I still want to have the birth that I planned on, no medications, I was not in any physical pain, and would just wish, they would respect that. So finally after explaining this to 4 people, they finally left us alone & let us birth in peace. I sat my nurse down & said, I know I am higher risk & my doctor, and I had a wonderful conversation around week 10.. .. That it was going to be a long road to week 40; he could not promise us week 40 and a healthy baby, but as long as we did everything they asked, some might not be as easy as others, that we would have no regrets, no matter the outcome. She still wasn't sold on this thinking..
My other reason for not wanting any drugs during birth; I knew our time with David would be counted in minutes & hours, not weeks, months & years. So I wanted to be 100% present during our short time with him. As long as I could bear a short amount of pain, it was all worth it. I credit Hypnobirthing to allowing me to manage my pain & be present also, so if you are pregnant, I highly recommend looking into it.. It's not what you might think it is.
We had the tv on, but no volume, we watched the snow, my husband would fill my water up, I snuck a cheese stick in the afternoon for some energy.. My husband would slip out if he had to talk to his employees.
Some time between 3 & 4 pm I had been using the bathroom a LOT, it felt comfortable to sit on the toilet thru contractions. I eventually came back out to the bed and decided to stay standing and sway & lean over a chair during contractions. It helped David move with the gravity. The contractions by now, because of the pitocin, were a minute & half long and I had a 30 second break in between.
Shortly after 5pm the nurse was in, adjusting my monitors & I said the 'key' word, I need to have a BM. She let me go sit in the bathroom again, but when nothing happened, I came out & asked her to check me. The last time I was checked I was 3cm. So before she checked me, they switched out the bed I was in, to a L&D bed. ( not as comfortable as the recovery bed ). So about 5:45 they checked me & she announced that I was 9cm. ( honestly I was probably a 10 ) but the doctor wasn't there, she quickly called out, find out when Dr. D is going to be back. He wasn't going to be back til 6:30pm. She told the other nurse, tell him don't delay. She kept telling me don't push, even if you want to. I just kept breathing thru all the contractions & she turned down the pitocin, so I wasn't having them every 30 seconds.
At 6:30pm they were hunting down Dr. D. he arrived in the hospital around 6:36. So he quietly came in, to check me, and announced I was a 10. He told the nurses ( now Linda & Marty ) to let me start pushing & call him when I crowned. ( my husbands job, was to push the call button ) So we did a practice push, then another practice push to get how they wanted it done. The first real pushing exercise, Hubs was told to push the call button. We breathed thru the next couple of contractions, while we waited for the doctor to show up. . So when he arrived, he said let me watch you push for a contraction. He then said, this may sting, he gave me a shot to numb the perinium; and then started cutting. I guess I was getting an episiotomy. He then let me push one more time.. did a little more cutting, and then next push is when david started emerging. I do remember the doctor telling the nurses, who were both holding my knees, to watch the cord, he wanted everyone to watch the cord, for any abnormalities. David was out very quickly.. and then in another 3 minutes the placenta was delivered & then Dr. D started stitching me up. My husband was holding David during this time.
The only part of the birth I don't remember, is that they had my bed jacked up to a level so the doctor did not have to lean down.. so apparently I was like 5' up in the air.. my hubs, said one nurse was on a step stool & hubs was almost on tip toes.
David was born at 7:06pm
Once I was able to sit up after stitching hubs passed David to me to hold.
We took pictures, with David, we held him, rocked him, weighed him, measured him, took his foot prints. Kissed him, loved on him, held him, and held him. The night nurse Liz picked out an outfit that was handmade to dress him in, got him a hat, that fit his head better. The nurses brought him a big teddy bear as a gift. She then got the "baptism" kit & brought it in & we baptized him.
We kept David with us in room til 11:30pm. They took him to his cold bed. She said if we woke up & wanted to hold him, she would get him, or we could get him back in the morning. If he stayed out all night with us, he would have started smelling.
We slept for about 6 hours that night, and first thing in the morning we asked for David back. Liz went and got him before her shift ended.
The nurse told us to spend as much time with David as we wanted, and she would get my discharge paperwork. We left about 11am... after spending the rest of the morning with David, just loving on him.. It's the hardest thing to do, but leaving your child.. is not easy...
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Doctor Follow up.
We had our 6 week follow up with our OBGYN today. We were to go over all the tests results run after the stillbirth of our son Andrew.
To sum it up simply we do not have any concrete causes for his early birth.
What we do know is Genetically he was boy with the correct # of chromosomes.
All the blood work on me came back with nothing wrong; no blood clotting, no crazy blood disorders, he was able to come back & tell me that at some time in my lifetime I had something ( that sounds like Mono ) but as long as I don't have it while I'm pregnant it's ok.
Testing on the placenta was not back yet.. he was bummed that it was super slow too. We are happy we did not have a placental abruption. Which is another common cause for stillborn. If a placental abruption happens, it is almost 99.9% fatal to the baby, because the baby looses his lifeline to mom.
The placenta tests may key us into infection of the baby or infection in me.
We won't have an explanation of why my water broke early.. & I think we have accepted that fact.
** to clarify** with my son Andrew's birth, my amniotic sac completely ruptured, at his gestation(21 weeks) it was not repairable, and he was not matured enough to survive outside the womb. Had it been a pinhole type leak/or a slow leak, I could have been put on bedrest, fluids, and they can in most cases repair themselves.
Our doc has consulted with two other doctors and they want me to have a consult w/ the local Maternal/Fetal doctor, for a pre-conception consultation, to make sure they are not missing anything. I am awaiting a call from their office to schedule an appointment.
I need to start charting ( yeah I'm on CD3 ) yeah AF arrived already.. I was kinda hoping she might stay away for a while. Considering I had Lochia bleeding for 3 weeks. then milk tried to come in, now this.. I just want a break ! Charting to determine if I ovulate on my own.
He asked if we can avoid TTC for the next 60 days..
He talked with us about how we are emotionally doing. like did we name him, did we have a funeral, etc. He was happy that we were doing well emotionally. He was very appreciative that we sent him a Thank you" for St. Luke's feast day. He said what I wrote him in the card, tells him that WE are doing better than most.
We talked about what a Next Time scenario might look like. Simply.. Lots of Ultrasounds! He said we could have them almost weekly if it makes us feel better. ( probably wont' cuz i'll go broke doing that ) He said as soon as we find out we are pregnant, we can come in immediately for one(which his office has never let me do, they always made me wait) and for sure from 12-20 we will be weekly . The theory is I have a incompetent cervix, which with weekly monitoring will show us when it gets shorter and then at that point, I will get a circlage ( little stitch as he likes to say ) to keep it closed. *Insert my research, could lead to bed rest, or time off of work. We have to talk & decide if this is how we see our pregnancy going & if we can physically, emotionally, financially afford me to be laid up potentionally for 4-5 months.
We had a long talk about the Maternal Fetal specialist we saw in the clinic the day Andrew was born. I asked if there was someone else we could see. He asked why, he was the "best'. I said well in our book, when he offers us an Abortion as his best form of care, that's not who we want caring for us. He asked us to recount the conversation w/ him & both my husband & I said recalled that his exact words were, to best handle this we can take you up for an Abortion right now & you can be on your way home later. My doctor was shocked. He said this doc doesn't do selective reductions, or reductions for genetic abornmalities. We both said, the ultrasound tech was even shocked & turned away too. We both said, this guy never told us our child was still alive & still had a heart beat, but we both know that would be the only reason for him to mention abortion. I told our doctor, that this haunts me still, that this 'expert' wanted us to choose to let him kill our son. Thankfully we know better & told him absolutely no. I had my chart in hand, when I went to see this specialist, & I read the first page of my chart. In big bold letters it said : HYPNOBIRTHING Patient and PRO-LIFE. So why this guy suggested this as the "best" care will boggle my mind for days. My doctor deeply apologized for the specialists lack of sensitivity & proper use of medical terminology. Needless to say, we are seeing a different MF specialist for our pre-conception consult.
This lead to a discussion about the medical terminology used by the doctors. Our doctors wanted us to be prepared for other people that might care for us & them not using pro-life friendly medical terminology. He said in medical world the patient friendly word is miscarriage, but in medical land it is called an abortion; wheter spontanious , missed, or elective. I said yes we know that, but willingly killing our living child was not appropriate, nor acceptable to us. He again apologized.
So another question we had was who would be our care provider if we get pregnant again, our doc said as long as things progress "normally" we would continue w/ him. He could do the circlage if necessary. The only reason I would have to see the MF specialist is if I develop gestational diabetes, develop pre-eclampsia or go into labor early. Our docs hospital does not have a NICU, so we can' t deliver a preemie there.
I go back in 2 months to look at charts, see if i've ovulated & discuss medications.
Thanks for all your prayers. I do feel our appointment went well, we got ample time to ask all our questions & discuss all our concerns.
To sum it up simply we do not have any concrete causes for his early birth.
What we do know is Genetically he was boy with the correct # of chromosomes.
All the blood work on me came back with nothing wrong; no blood clotting, no crazy blood disorders, he was able to come back & tell me that at some time in my lifetime I had something ( that sounds like Mono ) but as long as I don't have it while I'm pregnant it's ok.
Testing on the placenta was not back yet.. he was bummed that it was super slow too. We are happy we did not have a placental abruption. Which is another common cause for stillborn. If a placental abruption happens, it is almost 99.9% fatal to the baby, because the baby looses his lifeline to mom.
The placenta tests may key us into infection of the baby or infection in me.
We won't have an explanation of why my water broke early.. & I think we have accepted that fact.
** to clarify** with my son Andrew's birth, my amniotic sac completely ruptured, at his gestation(21 weeks) it was not repairable, and he was not matured enough to survive outside the womb. Had it been a pinhole type leak/or a slow leak, I could have been put on bedrest, fluids, and they can in most cases repair themselves.
Our doc has consulted with two other doctors and they want me to have a consult w/ the local Maternal/Fetal doctor, for a pre-conception consultation, to make sure they are not missing anything. I am awaiting a call from their office to schedule an appointment.
I need to start charting ( yeah I'm on CD3 ) yeah AF arrived already.. I was kinda hoping she might stay away for a while. Considering I had Lochia bleeding for 3 weeks. then milk tried to come in, now this.. I just want a break ! Charting to determine if I ovulate on my own.
He asked if we can avoid TTC for the next 60 days..
He talked with us about how we are emotionally doing. like did we name him, did we have a funeral, etc. He was happy that we were doing well emotionally. He was very appreciative that we sent him a Thank you" for St. Luke's feast day. He said what I wrote him in the card, tells him that WE are doing better than most.
We talked about what a Next Time scenario might look like. Simply.. Lots of Ultrasounds! He said we could have them almost weekly if it makes us feel better. ( probably wont' cuz i'll go broke doing that ) He said as soon as we find out we are pregnant, we can come in immediately for one(which his office has never let me do, they always made me wait) and for sure from 12-20 we will be weekly . The theory is I have a incompetent cervix, which with weekly monitoring will show us when it gets shorter and then at that point, I will get a circlage ( little stitch as he likes to say ) to keep it closed. *Insert my research, could lead to bed rest, or time off of work. We have to talk & decide if this is how we see our pregnancy going & if we can physically, emotionally, financially afford me to be laid up potentionally for 4-5 months.
We had a long talk about the Maternal Fetal specialist we saw in the clinic the day Andrew was born. I asked if there was someone else we could see. He asked why, he was the "best'. I said well in our book, when he offers us an Abortion as his best form of care, that's not who we want caring for us. He asked us to recount the conversation w/ him & both my husband & I said recalled that his exact words were, to best handle this we can take you up for an Abortion right now & you can be on your way home later. My doctor was shocked. He said this doc doesn't do selective reductions, or reductions for genetic abornmalities. We both said, the ultrasound tech was even shocked & turned away too. We both said, this guy never told us our child was still alive & still had a heart beat, but we both know that would be the only reason for him to mention abortion. I told our doctor, that this haunts me still, that this 'expert' wanted us to choose to let him kill our son. Thankfully we know better & told him absolutely no. I had my chart in hand, when I went to see this specialist, & I read the first page of my chart. In big bold letters it said : HYPNOBIRTHING Patient and PRO-LIFE. So why this guy suggested this as the "best" care will boggle my mind for days. My doctor deeply apologized for the specialists lack of sensitivity & proper use of medical terminology. Needless to say, we are seeing a different MF specialist for our pre-conception consult.
This lead to a discussion about the medical terminology used by the doctors. Our doctors wanted us to be prepared for other people that might care for us & them not using pro-life friendly medical terminology. He said in medical world the patient friendly word is miscarriage, but in medical land it is called an abortion; wheter spontanious , missed, or elective. I said yes we know that, but willingly killing our living child was not appropriate, nor acceptable to us. He again apologized.
So another question we had was who would be our care provider if we get pregnant again, our doc said as long as things progress "normally" we would continue w/ him. He could do the circlage if necessary. The only reason I would have to see the MF specialist is if I develop gestational diabetes, develop pre-eclampsia or go into labor early. Our docs hospital does not have a NICU, so we can' t deliver a preemie there.
I go back in 2 months to look at charts, see if i've ovulated & discuss medications.
Thanks for all your prayers. I do feel our appointment went well, we got ample time to ask all our questions & discuss all our concerns.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Our Infertility Story
My husband & I were married 7 years ago, after 5 months being married, we started seeing a OBGYN who was NaPro trained. Our initial concerns were, really long cycles, like 40-50 days, and hey we were newly married, we were engaging in lots of honeymoon action, but yet there were no positive pregnancy tests arriving. She moved out of state after 2 visits with her, which was like 5 months. The only thing we learned from her, was I didn't ovulate on my own & I had PCOS. So we were befuddled & spent more time trying and being ignorant that there was an infertility issue. After about another year, we started the search again for a new doctor.
We found a pro-life OBGYN, who we are still with, Dr. G! Trusting that highly respected doctor #1 did a lot of blood work ups (her office, wouldn't release any files) we started on Clomid and he gave me a blank paper chart to keep track of my cycles. So after a month, we went back & he was confused and I was confused as to what he wanted on the chart? He 'respects' all forms of NFP, but didn't really specifiy what he wanted on the chart. So the only thing I had done was write in my temps, which was what I was taught in Sympto-thermal classes. So we schedule an appointment for the next month & he says. I want you to watch & record your cervical mucus. Hmmmm. Okay! So the next month I come in, with a bunch of scribbles, and much about nothing. I said there really isn't anything. So this goes on for a couple more months, he wants DH to get a SA to determine if there are any underlying issues with him, that we may not know about. After all that comes back, we're at 8 months into this with him & still not pregnant. By now I have gained a few pounds & he recommends we spend some time getting healthy. So we take about a year off & lose the weight & work on our overall health.
During infertility week in 2010 I discover a great blogger.(TCIE) I start following. I get intrigued by all this NaPro lingo. I start researching Creighton instructors. Nothing close to me! I find someone about 1 1/2 hours away from me, who is in training, in training means, she can only do in person meetings. She feels so bad for telling me that I would have to drive to her every other week for the first chart. We do this, because we know that it's the only way we can get in to see a NaPro doc, who by the way, is 3 1/2 hours away. So we get our 2 cycles of charting in ( which takes 3 1/2 months because of my wonky cycles). We contact the NaPro doctor and find out he is having surgery & will be not available to see patients for 2-3 months. Huge stab to the gut, but we take it in stride & make the appointment in May 2011. The good thing about this appoinment we had all our labs, done the month before so we had real stuff to talk about!. We get the "plan" given to us. We started using NaPro protocols finally which included meds (Femara, Prometrium) vitamins/OTC (B6, Mucinex, Fish Oil, PreNatals, D3) Diet ( no Dairy, Wheat, Sugar). We find out 4 months later that we are pregnant! WOW!.
Not included in our "plan" was a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks, we named our son Samuel(Sammy). The one lesson we learned with Sammy was that I could get pregnant, which I hadn't been able to do for the past 6 years. I went back on the "plan" and conceived about 6 months later. I found out we were having twins, only to find out at our first ultrasound that one passed at 8 weeks. I seemed to be having a normal pregnancy, but after our loss of Sammy, we were extra cautious, and kept our news to primarily ourselves. At 18 weeks we found out we were having a boy (Andrew), we also started birthing classes at this time and told our families. Sadly at 21 weeks, Andrew decided to arrive a wee bit too early. Andrew's Birth story.
After our loss, we were asked to abstain for 6 weeks, we await test results to come back on Andrew & I, and then meet with our doctor(s) to discuss the new "plan".
We found a pro-life OBGYN, who we are still with, Dr. G! Trusting that highly respected doctor #1 did a lot of blood work ups (her office, wouldn't release any files) we started on Clomid and he gave me a blank paper chart to keep track of my cycles. So after a month, we went back & he was confused and I was confused as to what he wanted on the chart? He 'respects' all forms of NFP, but didn't really specifiy what he wanted on the chart. So the only thing I had done was write in my temps, which was what I was taught in Sympto-thermal classes. So we schedule an appointment for the next month & he says. I want you to watch & record your cervical mucus. Hmmmm. Okay! So the next month I come in, with a bunch of scribbles, and much about nothing. I said there really isn't anything. So this goes on for a couple more months, he wants DH to get a SA to determine if there are any underlying issues with him, that we may not know about. After all that comes back, we're at 8 months into this with him & still not pregnant. By now I have gained a few pounds & he recommends we spend some time getting healthy. So we take about a year off & lose the weight & work on our overall health.
During infertility week in 2010 I discover a great blogger.(TCIE) I start following. I get intrigued by all this NaPro lingo. I start researching Creighton instructors. Nothing close to me! I find someone about 1 1/2 hours away from me, who is in training, in training means, she can only do in person meetings. She feels so bad for telling me that I would have to drive to her every other week for the first chart. We do this, because we know that it's the only way we can get in to see a NaPro doc, who by the way, is 3 1/2 hours away. So we get our 2 cycles of charting in ( which takes 3 1/2 months because of my wonky cycles). We contact the NaPro doctor and find out he is having surgery & will be not available to see patients for 2-3 months. Huge stab to the gut, but we take it in stride & make the appointment in May 2011. The good thing about this appoinment we had all our labs, done the month before so we had real stuff to talk about!. We get the "plan" given to us. We started using NaPro protocols finally which included meds (Femara, Prometrium) vitamins/OTC (B6, Mucinex, Fish Oil, PreNatals, D3) Diet ( no Dairy, Wheat, Sugar). We find out 4 months later that we are pregnant! WOW!.
Not included in our "plan" was a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks, we named our son Samuel(Sammy). The one lesson we learned with Sammy was that I could get pregnant, which I hadn't been able to do for the past 6 years. I went back on the "plan" and conceived about 6 months later. I found out we were having twins, only to find out at our first ultrasound that one passed at 8 weeks. I seemed to be having a normal pregnancy, but after our loss of Sammy, we were extra cautious, and kept our news to primarily ourselves. At 18 weeks we found out we were having a boy (Andrew), we also started birthing classes at this time and told our families. Sadly at 21 weeks, Andrew decided to arrive a wee bit too early. Andrew's Birth story.
After our loss, we were asked to abstain for 6 weeks, we await test results to come back on Andrew & I, and then meet with our doctor(s) to discuss the new "plan".
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Miscarriage vs. Stillborn
I had to look up what defines a stillborn. So a stillborn is your child with a gestational age over 18 weeks, before that it is considered a miscarriage. (From Wikipedia) Almost every state has varying different definition of what gestation/age is a miscarriage & stillborn is.
Some of the differences I've experienced with my miscarriage vs. stillborn.
My known miscarriage was at gestational age of 8/9 weeks, but was not detected in an office visit until 14 weeks (he had no heartbeat). Some peoples bodies naturally know that the baby is deceased & release the baby, whereas a woman sees spotting, bleeding, cramping. Then there are some peoples bodies hang onto them, and they have to be induced/removed. (either a pill is taken or some women have a D&E) With my stillborn son, my water broke (this does not happen to everyone) and I eventually went into labor.
Depending on how early in a pregnancy you tell friends/family, a miscarriage may be something you suffer silently with your husband. Most miscarriages happen early, some people so early they may not even know they are pregnant. In the case of my miscarriage, we were cautious, so we were waiting til our 2nd trimester. My appointments had got out of sync at my doctors office. So I was seen at 8 weeks by our doctor, at 12 weeks by their nurse ( this office's requirement of 1 nurse visit to go thru paperwork, nothing "medical" was done) and then at 14 weeks 6 days saw my doctor ( it was before Christmas, so this was going to be "16 week " appointment). We still hadn't told family, cuz we wanted to be sure & I wasn't showing, so who would know. So instead of the " Awesome" christmas present we had for everyone. I had a D&E the day after Christmas.
So after having a miscarriage when we became pregnant 6 months later ( our first real cycle after the loss) we became pregnant. In my husbands head we weren't going to tell anyone til I was showing. He had also thought Thanksgiving would be a good time too ( I would have been 7 months). I finally had convinced him that once we had our 18 week anatomy ultrasound we could share.. & we did, we had a BBQ & the family over & told them ALL. We had also started Hynobirthing classes at 18 weeks. ( they recommend classes in 2nd trimester ). This felt so real, although I hadn't said anything at work, cuz I wasn't showing again. I learned at my 3rd doctors visit, that my uterus was tipped back(into me) so I wouldn't "show" for a while. The tipped uterus also makes it more difficult to feel your child "kick". I did near the end feel Drew kicking, but nothing strong that I could let his dad feel.
With my miscarriage, Sammy hadn't come out on his own, so we had a "scheduled" time to remove his deceased body. In hospital terms, they deemed him a bunch of tissue, because of his gestational age, he wasn't formed into much more. I was put to sleep, he was removed, and the tissue remains were sent in for genetic testing. I woke up in recovery and as soon as I could stand up I could go home. I had a lot of bleeding for 2-3 days. Then I got another cycle about 2 weeks later. I was cleared by my doc to get back to trying when I had my next cycle. I wasn't really looking to "chart" yet, but just kept an eye out for it to start, which it took 3 months for the next cycle to start ( well I finally called the doc after 3 months cuz it hadn't started, so I took meds to "start it".
With Drew, my water broke on a Tuesday morning at 9am. I called the office, they sent me to the hospital. I was checked out by the old timer, who told me I didn't know what water breaking was & did a little test & sent me on my way, telling me I must have some urinary incontinence problem. At 3am on Wednesday, I started having regular contractions 9 mins apart. Called my doc in the morning, drove to see him at 2pm. By now my contractions were 5-6 mins apart. He sent me straight to the Maternal Fetal Specialist (MFS) who determined I had no water left, my sac had completely broke, not a pin-hole leak & my son was being suffocated in the womb because their was no cushioning fluid. The MFS said our only option was to have an Abortion right now. Thankfully having gone thru our birth classes and being educated, I said NO, that was not for an option for us & I could birth him naturally. I think back now & still question how this doctor, practicing in a Catholic Hospital could even suggest as the best medical advice, and Abortion as the only option. He literally gave us no other option. He went on to tell me it was going to be long birth & did I want to endure that. I said sir I have been in labor already for 12 hours now, it can't be that much longer. He tried to tell me that I wasn't in labor. He called my doctor & my doc admitted me. ( this guy was not going to ). Five hours after being admitted our son was born. He passed in the womb, but because it had been so long since my water broke, he was "infected" and therfore I had to be treated by IV for various infections he would pass to me. I birthed Drew naturally, I did ask for a 'relaxant' of some sort about an hour before his birth, but I was 100% there and did it all. He was 11" long , his head was 7" dia. and he weighed 330 grams. There was no evidence left of his sibling who passed in utero at 8 weeks gestation. When Drew was born, he was placed on my chest.. while they cut his cord. They checked my placenta to make sure it didn't have issues. The placenta delivered properly about 20 mins later. My placenta & a piece of Drews thigh bone are being tested genetically to see if it leads us to any reasons for his early passing. With my stillborn birth, I had heavy bleeding for 2-3 days. but light bleeding still for 2 weeks. They say 2-6 weeks can be normal.
With my miscarriage occuring at the hospital, the remains were tested & disposed of medically.
With my stillborn son, I had to make arrangements for a funeral home to come pick up his remains. Then we had to decide if we were going to have him put in a casket & buried , or cremated. We opted to have him cremated & his remains were buried in a gravesite.
With my miscarriage D&E, I walked in in sweats, and left in sweats and my underwear too.
After a stillborn, I had spent several days in a hospital gown, and those weird stretchy hospital panties, and this giant pad thing. My hospital visit wasn't planned, so I didn't have the luxury of packing a bag.
With my miscarriage, I had a nice pep talk w/ the doc. He was so supportive, & thinking it was just gods will & we could try again, after a brief hiatus. My emotional state was not broken. I bounced back quicly. I was ready to start trying as soon as we were given the approval.
With my stillborn. My doc was super supportive, big cheerleader. I didn't get a talk about it being god's will. He cried with us, when he came to see us. He ran a bunch more blood tests to see if that helps us determine if there is anything else we need to be watching out for. He is not speculating why, until we have all the tests back, which take 4-6 weeks. Wait there's that 6 week wait again.
We have to wait a minimum of 6 weeks, to put an "I"s on the chart. Let's just say, I'm not "ra-rah" lets' get on the bandwagon again. I feel broken, I feel hurt, I don't want it to happen again. I want to ask LOTS of questions. the 6 week wait may be longer. It pains me, because we were advised to abstain the entire time we were pregnant.. & now longer & .. What hurts even more is reading these stupid books they gave us in the hospital. One says something about stillborns pull couples apart, because one or the other avoid having relations with each other, which leads to turmoil, or furthermore divorce. Not that, it's going to happen here.. we are using SPICE.. there is not a whole lot of "P" going on here, but a lot of S, C & E .. Because of everything that happened at birth/infections and all. I have been on meds, and have developed infection after infection/ill effects of infection/ thrush/yeast infection/ etc.
Some people experience the Pregnancy bump, I didn't have to endure this. nor maternity clothes. I was lucky enough to actually lose 10 lbs so far. Not having gained any weight during my pregnancy this was a nice hurdle to not have to deal with afterwards. Some ladies after a stillborn are left with " a pregnant looking tummy to have to lose/shrink. Without a baby to nurse to help" with the " weight loss. With a miscarriage you generally are not far enough along to have to deal w/ any major weight gain issues/bump issues.
With a stillborn you are generally further along where you might have started buying/acquiring baby items, you know getting the nursery ready, because you found out what you are having & are excited for the little slugger or ballerina to arrive. The question then is what do you do with the nursery, do you get rid of everything, pack it up, or close off that room. A miscarriage you probably haven't begun to ready a nursery yet, so it's not as much to think about.
Another question the nurses in the hospital couldn't answer. Would I have breast pain after my stillborn birth. I did not. Apparently because the pregnancy was not as advanced, my body did not signal milk to come in yet, & my boobs have shrunk back to 'somewhat' normal.
Most of the "brochures/books" given to me at the hospital were very generalized, but some very insensitive. One was titled "Fetal" loss guide. Really call it an infant loss guide.. When I had a miscarriage I got no "fetal" loss guide. The nurses in L&D treated my son, like he was any other "infant" born there, he was bathed, dressed, had footprints taken, they took newborn pictures of him, the made a bassinet card for him. 3 of the 4 nurses I had during my stay, all shared their own stories of their losses with me, which was nice, because they "understood" I had one really insensitive nurse.. "Misty" I dont' wish something bad on someone, but because of how she treated me, i'm sure that's why she had a horrible night.. When she came on her shift. she came in & was like so WHAT have are we going to do with your son, cuz I need to get him out of here, before he starts smelling. Karma came to bite her in the ass later that night.. cuz she apparently had a bad night.. & let's just say the Director of nursing came to visit me the day I left & apologized for Misty's actions ( I hadn't said anything to anyone)
With a miscarriage people are quick to comment, to try again. With a stillborn, people are asking, if I'll be able to have children, or if there is some abnormality in me. For real people I feel broken, I don't need you to ask me if I am.
Physical & Emotional pain has been very different. Physically my miscarriage was more painful for me. I had to go under anethesia, nothing was natural about what happened, I was in pain afterwards, I took heavy pain meds. Mentally the miscarriage was not as hard, I hadn't felt my baby yet, I hadn't gained any weight, my body hadn't really expanded yet. Physically my stillborn was much easier. I went thru everything naturally, I wasn't in any pain, I did not take any pain killers afterwards, I took things easy, I feel like running a marathon now, but have been advised to not do anything strenuous for 6 weeks. Mentally not so easy, after you have felt your child, seen him on an ultrasound, birthed him, it's not so easy to "bounce back".
The best thing for me is for people to listen, when I want to talk, on my terms, when I am ready.
The people who understand the most, are those who have endured one. To which most say, I'm sorry, we went thru a ____ 1, 2, 5, 10 years ago. and they say nothing else, becuase they know, there are no perfect words, there is nothing that "really" makes it feel better. the other helpful one is : We'll be praying for you.
With both there are unanswered questions of WHY? Why did God pick me to endure this? Did I do something to cause this? Could I have done something to avoid this? Do I want to potentially endure this again? Am I strong enough to endure this again? What can we do differently next time? Is there a next time for us? I am having a tough time w/ the Is there a next time for us?
I really do not know if I am ready to try again, or if I can emotionally do this again. This one really hurt, it feels like I lost a part of myself. yes it was a part of me, but the empty void where my baby was housed in my uterus is even worse for me to not feel anymore.
This has been therapuetic for me to write out, I don't expect it to mean much to you if you haven't experienced any of these unfortunate events. If you do know someone going thru this, it might help them.
Some of the differences I've experienced with my miscarriage vs. stillborn.
My known miscarriage was at gestational age of 8/9 weeks, but was not detected in an office visit until 14 weeks (he had no heartbeat). Some peoples bodies naturally know that the baby is deceased & release the baby, whereas a woman sees spotting, bleeding, cramping. Then there are some peoples bodies hang onto them, and they have to be induced/removed. (either a pill is taken or some women have a D&E) With my stillborn son, my water broke (this does not happen to everyone) and I eventually went into labor.
Depending on how early in a pregnancy you tell friends/family, a miscarriage may be something you suffer silently with your husband. Most miscarriages happen early, some people so early they may not even know they are pregnant. In the case of my miscarriage, we were cautious, so we were waiting til our 2nd trimester. My appointments had got out of sync at my doctors office. So I was seen at 8 weeks by our doctor, at 12 weeks by their nurse ( this office's requirement of 1 nurse visit to go thru paperwork, nothing "medical" was done) and then at 14 weeks 6 days saw my doctor ( it was before Christmas, so this was going to be "16 week " appointment). We still hadn't told family, cuz we wanted to be sure & I wasn't showing, so who would know. So instead of the " Awesome" christmas present we had for everyone. I had a D&E the day after Christmas.
So after having a miscarriage when we became pregnant 6 months later ( our first real cycle after the loss) we became pregnant. In my husbands head we weren't going to tell anyone til I was showing. He had also thought Thanksgiving would be a good time too ( I would have been 7 months). I finally had convinced him that once we had our 18 week anatomy ultrasound we could share.. & we did, we had a BBQ & the family over & told them ALL. We had also started Hynobirthing classes at 18 weeks. ( they recommend classes in 2nd trimester ). This felt so real, although I hadn't said anything at work, cuz I wasn't showing again. I learned at my 3rd doctors visit, that my uterus was tipped back(into me) so I wouldn't "show" for a while. The tipped uterus also makes it more difficult to feel your child "kick". I did near the end feel Drew kicking, but nothing strong that I could let his dad feel.
With my miscarriage, Sammy hadn't come out on his own, so we had a "scheduled" time to remove his deceased body. In hospital terms, they deemed him a bunch of tissue, because of his gestational age, he wasn't formed into much more. I was put to sleep, he was removed, and the tissue remains were sent in for genetic testing. I woke up in recovery and as soon as I could stand up I could go home. I had a lot of bleeding for 2-3 days. Then I got another cycle about 2 weeks later. I was cleared by my doc to get back to trying when I had my next cycle. I wasn't really looking to "chart" yet, but just kept an eye out for it to start, which it took 3 months for the next cycle to start ( well I finally called the doc after 3 months cuz it hadn't started, so I took meds to "start it".
With Drew, my water broke on a Tuesday morning at 9am. I called the office, they sent me to the hospital. I was checked out by the old timer, who told me I didn't know what water breaking was & did a little test & sent me on my way, telling me I must have some urinary incontinence problem. At 3am on Wednesday, I started having regular contractions 9 mins apart. Called my doc in the morning, drove to see him at 2pm. By now my contractions were 5-6 mins apart. He sent me straight to the Maternal Fetal Specialist (MFS) who determined I had no water left, my sac had completely broke, not a pin-hole leak & my son was being suffocated in the womb because their was no cushioning fluid. The MFS said our only option was to have an Abortion right now. Thankfully having gone thru our birth classes and being educated, I said NO, that was not for an option for us & I could birth him naturally. I think back now & still question how this doctor, practicing in a Catholic Hospital could even suggest as the best medical advice, and Abortion as the only option. He literally gave us no other option. He went on to tell me it was going to be long birth & did I want to endure that. I said sir I have been in labor already for 12 hours now, it can't be that much longer. He tried to tell me that I wasn't in labor. He called my doctor & my doc admitted me. ( this guy was not going to ). Five hours after being admitted our son was born. He passed in the womb, but because it had been so long since my water broke, he was "infected" and therfore I had to be treated by IV for various infections he would pass to me. I birthed Drew naturally, I did ask for a 'relaxant' of some sort about an hour before his birth, but I was 100% there and did it all. He was 11" long , his head was 7" dia. and he weighed 330 grams. There was no evidence left of his sibling who passed in utero at 8 weeks gestation. When Drew was born, he was placed on my chest.. while they cut his cord. They checked my placenta to make sure it didn't have issues. The placenta delivered properly about 20 mins later. My placenta & a piece of Drews thigh bone are being tested genetically to see if it leads us to any reasons for his early passing. With my stillborn birth, I had heavy bleeding for 2-3 days. but light bleeding still for 2 weeks. They say 2-6 weeks can be normal.
With my miscarriage occuring at the hospital, the remains were tested & disposed of medically.
With my stillborn son, I had to make arrangements for a funeral home to come pick up his remains. Then we had to decide if we were going to have him put in a casket & buried , or cremated. We opted to have him cremated & his remains were buried in a gravesite.
With my miscarriage D&E, I walked in in sweats, and left in sweats and my underwear too.
After a stillborn, I had spent several days in a hospital gown, and those weird stretchy hospital panties, and this giant pad thing. My hospital visit wasn't planned, so I didn't have the luxury of packing a bag.
With my miscarriage, I had a nice pep talk w/ the doc. He was so supportive, & thinking it was just gods will & we could try again, after a brief hiatus. My emotional state was not broken. I bounced back quicly. I was ready to start trying as soon as we were given the approval.
With my stillborn. My doc was super supportive, big cheerleader. I didn't get a talk about it being god's will. He cried with us, when he came to see us. He ran a bunch more blood tests to see if that helps us determine if there is anything else we need to be watching out for. He is not speculating why, until we have all the tests back, which take 4-6 weeks. Wait there's that 6 week wait again.
We have to wait a minimum of 6 weeks, to put an "I"s on the chart. Let's just say, I'm not "ra-rah" lets' get on the bandwagon again. I feel broken, I feel hurt, I don't want it to happen again. I want to ask LOTS of questions. the 6 week wait may be longer. It pains me, because we were advised to abstain the entire time we were pregnant.. & now longer & .. What hurts even more is reading these stupid books they gave us in the hospital. One says something about stillborns pull couples apart, because one or the other avoid having relations with each other, which leads to turmoil, or furthermore divorce. Not that, it's going to happen here.. we are using SPICE.. there is not a whole lot of "P" going on here, but a lot of S, C & E .. Because of everything that happened at birth/infections and all. I have been on meds, and have developed infection after infection/ill effects of infection/ thrush/yeast infection/ etc.
Some people experience the Pregnancy bump, I didn't have to endure this. nor maternity clothes. I was lucky enough to actually lose 10 lbs so far. Not having gained any weight during my pregnancy this was a nice hurdle to not have to deal with afterwards. Some ladies after a stillborn are left with " a pregnant looking tummy to have to lose/shrink. Without a baby to nurse to help" with the " weight loss. With a miscarriage you generally are not far enough along to have to deal w/ any major weight gain issues/bump issues.
With a stillborn you are generally further along where you might have started buying/acquiring baby items, you know getting the nursery ready, because you found out what you are having & are excited for the little slugger or ballerina to arrive. The question then is what do you do with the nursery, do you get rid of everything, pack it up, or close off that room. A miscarriage you probably haven't begun to ready a nursery yet, so it's not as much to think about.
Another question the nurses in the hospital couldn't answer. Would I have breast pain after my stillborn birth. I did not. Apparently because the pregnancy was not as advanced, my body did not signal milk to come in yet, & my boobs have shrunk back to 'somewhat' normal.
Most of the "brochures/books" given to me at the hospital were very generalized, but some very insensitive. One was titled "Fetal" loss guide. Really call it an infant loss guide.. When I had a miscarriage I got no "fetal" loss guide. The nurses in L&D treated my son, like he was any other "infant" born there, he was bathed, dressed, had footprints taken, they took newborn pictures of him, the made a bassinet card for him. 3 of the 4 nurses I had during my stay, all shared their own stories of their losses with me, which was nice, because they "understood" I had one really insensitive nurse.. "Misty" I dont' wish something bad on someone, but because of how she treated me, i'm sure that's why she had a horrible night.. When she came on her shift. she came in & was like so WHAT have are we going to do with your son, cuz I need to get him out of here, before he starts smelling. Karma came to bite her in the ass later that night.. cuz she apparently had a bad night.. & let's just say the Director of nursing came to visit me the day I left & apologized for Misty's actions ( I hadn't said anything to anyone)
With a miscarriage people are quick to comment, to try again. With a stillborn, people are asking, if I'll be able to have children, or if there is some abnormality in me. For real people I feel broken, I don't need you to ask me if I am.
Physical & Emotional pain has been very different. Physically my miscarriage was more painful for me. I had to go under anethesia, nothing was natural about what happened, I was in pain afterwards, I took heavy pain meds. Mentally the miscarriage was not as hard, I hadn't felt my baby yet, I hadn't gained any weight, my body hadn't really expanded yet. Physically my stillborn was much easier. I went thru everything naturally, I wasn't in any pain, I did not take any pain killers afterwards, I took things easy, I feel like running a marathon now, but have been advised to not do anything strenuous for 6 weeks. Mentally not so easy, after you have felt your child, seen him on an ultrasound, birthed him, it's not so easy to "bounce back".
The best thing for me is for people to listen, when I want to talk, on my terms, when I am ready.
The people who understand the most, are those who have endured one. To which most say, I'm sorry, we went thru a ____ 1, 2, 5, 10 years ago. and they say nothing else, becuase they know, there are no perfect words, there is nothing that "really" makes it feel better. the other helpful one is : We'll be praying for you.
With both there are unanswered questions of WHY? Why did God pick me to endure this? Did I do something to cause this? Could I have done something to avoid this? Do I want to potentially endure this again? Am I strong enough to endure this again? What can we do differently next time? Is there a next time for us? I am having a tough time w/ the Is there a next time for us?
I really do not know if I am ready to try again, or if I can emotionally do this again. This one really hurt, it feels like I lost a part of myself. yes it was a part of me, but the empty void where my baby was housed in my uterus is even worse for me to not feel anymore.
This has been therapuetic for me to write out, I don't expect it to mean much to you if you haven't experienced any of these unfortunate events. If you do know someone going thru this, it might help them.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Making it thru Day 1 ( back to work)
DH & I had a long talk about anxiety meds, he asked me to try to do it without anything, but if I truly needed something, then I could. Happy to say. I took my time this morning. I didn't rush! Packed my home office. Drove to the office. Made it in the office & I survived, without the meds. I realize this is not possible for everyone, we took our time & practiced some hypno-breathing, for the stressing points.
The first person that asked me WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I just politely said working at home.
This same person had a whole host of other questions, to which I responded, when I am ready to tell you I will, but I am not ready now.
I don't sound " Better" to the guys in the office, cuz I have a sinus cold.( you know the kind, stuffy nose, running nose, watery eyes, thankfully no sore throat) To which I just laugh & say I was much worse.. guys are ignorant & just say.. hmmmm..
I made it !! One day at a time.. One step at a time...
The first person that asked me WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I just politely said working at home.
This same person had a whole host of other questions, to which I responded, when I am ready to tell you I will, but I am not ready now.
I don't sound " Better" to the guys in the office, cuz I have a sinus cold.( you know the kind, stuffy nose, running nose, watery eyes, thankfully no sore throat) To which I just laugh & say I was much worse.. guys are ignorant & just say.. hmmmm..
I made it !! One day at a time.. One step at a time...
Saturday, October 12, 2013
10 days
I have survived 10 days.
Friday, I had a follow up w/ my doc. He is very sweet. He started & ended with a hug.
I was lucky enough to get some more "infection" related meds. Can you bet how thrilled I am.
He also prescribed me something for anxiety. Hubs & I had a long talk when I got home. He wasn't thrilled that I got the script filled, but I told him I would let him keep the pills, & if we both decided I needed them, then WE could decide together. He has fears/known too many people getting addicted to them. .. The other nice part of my appointment, I cleared my conscience. I told him one of the things dragging on my heart, was guilt. Guilt for not knowing, did I do all in my power to avoid the "negative" outcome. He assured me that it was in God's hands, and had I been in his office & my water broke the way it did, there would have been nothing he could have done to save Drew. We didn't get to talk about any of the test results, because not everything is back, so we meet with him in 4 weeks. I told him I didn't feel comfortable of talking about a "next time" cuz I just was too hurt & didn't know if I could endure that again. By the end of the appointment, I was open to discussing "next time" he just has that way of putting me at ease. We did talk a little how about a next time would go. ( meaning - a LOT - more appointments.) More bloodwork & more ultrasounds, progesterone support, circlage, etc. ( unless the bloodwork after losing Drew, shows something major) after my miscarriage, the tests showed nothing.......Ok, I'm done speculating what's going on..
Today Hubs & I worked together all day.. No crying all day! It's a yearly appointment, that had to be kept. I told him I think I can get thru the first day back to "my" work if he comes with me.. ( which can't happen )
Today is also the "anniversary" of us finding out we were pregnant w/ Sammy.. it's all a little too close to losing Drew.
Friday, I had a follow up w/ my doc. He is very sweet. He started & ended with a hug.
I was lucky enough to get some more "infection" related meds. Can you bet how thrilled I am.
He also prescribed me something for anxiety. Hubs & I had a long talk when I got home. He wasn't thrilled that I got the script filled, but I told him I would let him keep the pills, & if we both decided I needed them, then WE could decide together. He has fears/known too many people getting addicted to them. .. The other nice part of my appointment, I cleared my conscience. I told him one of the things dragging on my heart, was guilt. Guilt for not knowing, did I do all in my power to avoid the "negative" outcome. He assured me that it was in God's hands, and had I been in his office & my water broke the way it did, there would have been nothing he could have done to save Drew. We didn't get to talk about any of the test results, because not everything is back, so we meet with him in 4 weeks. I told him I didn't feel comfortable of talking about a "next time" cuz I just was too hurt & didn't know if I could endure that again. By the end of the appointment, I was open to discussing "next time" he just has that way of putting me at ease. We did talk a little how about a next time would go. ( meaning - a LOT - more appointments.) More bloodwork & more ultrasounds, progesterone support, circlage, etc. ( unless the bloodwork after losing Drew, shows something major) after my miscarriage, the tests showed nothing.......Ok, I'm done speculating what's going on..
Today Hubs & I worked together all day.. No crying all day! It's a yearly appointment, that had to be kept. I told him I think I can get thru the first day back to "my" work if he comes with me.. ( which can't happen )
Today is also the "anniversary" of us finding out we were pregnant w/ Sammy.. it's all a little too close to losing Drew.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
What is "Normal"
Thank you everyone for wrapping us in prayers.
I got home Friday, the docs, suggest getting back to "normal", but I am confused as to what "normal" should be.
So if it is "normal" I had chocolate chip cookies for dinner, because that's what I thought "normal" was.
So if it is "normal" we went to bed at 9 pm. & I was happy to sleep in my bed, with all my pillows & no IV forcing my left arm at my side. So if it is "normal" I got up at 8am on a Saturday morning, took a shower, and had oatmeal for breakfast. So my normal Saturday was going to the funeral home, to make my son's funeral arrangements. So yeah, if that's normal, that's what my "normal" was today. I've had to sit in the same room before, to plan my dad's funeral. Now making my son's arrangements was not in my plan. But we decided to cremate Andrew and a week from Monday, when my in-laws are back, we will have a graveside service for him. His urn, will be placed, in my dad's arms, ( on top of my dad's casket ) at the cemetery. Simple, one place to go visit them both.
If it's normal I've only gone 2 hours withouth spontaneously crying..
I thought normal was registering for all the needs for our baby last week, but apparently this week, it's preparing for his funeral.
I've decided that I'm going to work from home this week, to be honest, I want my normal to not include so many intrusive people asking me 100's of times, how i'm doing, & dressing up & having to pretend to be happy. I just want to sit in my yoga pants & t-shirt & eat break & bake chocolate chip cookies.
I got home Friday, the docs, suggest getting back to "normal", but I am confused as to what "normal" should be.
So if it is "normal" I had chocolate chip cookies for dinner, because that's what I thought "normal" was.
So if it is "normal" we went to bed at 9 pm. & I was happy to sleep in my bed, with all my pillows & no IV forcing my left arm at my side. So if it is "normal" I got up at 8am on a Saturday morning, took a shower, and had oatmeal for breakfast. So my normal Saturday was going to the funeral home, to make my son's funeral arrangements. So yeah, if that's normal, that's what my "normal" was today. I've had to sit in the same room before, to plan my dad's funeral. Now making my son's arrangements was not in my plan. But we decided to cremate Andrew and a week from Monday, when my in-laws are back, we will have a graveside service for him. His urn, will be placed, in my dad's arms, ( on top of my dad's casket ) at the cemetery. Simple, one place to go visit them both.
If it's normal I've only gone 2 hours withouth spontaneously crying..
I thought normal was registering for all the needs for our baby last week, but apparently this week, it's preparing for his funeral.
I've decided that I'm going to work from home this week, to be honest, I want my normal to not include so many intrusive people asking me 100's of times, how i'm doing, & dressing up & having to pretend to be happy. I just want to sit in my yoga pants & t-shirt & eat break & bake chocolate chip cookies.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Thank you for your prayers & update on last 48 hours
Let me start by saying Thank you to everyone for their prayers.
Our little Andrew was born(still) last night at 11:01PM he is now in heaven with his brother Samuel & his grandpa watching over them. Andrew was only 21 weeks. he measured 11" long and looked perfect. He looked just like we saw him in our ultrasound pictures just 2 short weeks ago.
Going back 48 hours. on Tuesday, I went to work. I was sitting at my desk, & felt a gush of warm water. I headed to bathroom. & it was a BIG gush. that I couldn't control. like my water breaking. I called my doctors office & they advised they were busy & for me to go to the L&D dept at the hospital & the on call doc would see me. We went, the on call doc did a swab test & said that I didn't have any amniotic fluid, but had no explanation of what hte gush was. The on call doc, was much older & seemed knowledgeable. The on call doc from my office never came over, nor did anything. They did doppler & got a 150 HB and sent me home said everything was okay. So i stayed home the rest of the day & worked from home. ( got a lot done too ).
During the early hours of Wednesday I started having "surges" that weren't relieved by moving around. but not consistent. I got up & got ready for work. Went in, when I got to work, I started writing the surges down. hmmm. 6-9 mins apart. I called the office where I knew MY DOC would be at & they said I could come in at 2:30 pm. I got there at 2pm. The nurse on the phone, said you are just probably having braxton-hicks & not used to them. OKAY! When I finally got to see my doc, he did doppler & HB was 150. hmm same as yesterday, but he did not like the discharges I was having.& I was 2cm dialated & thinned out. He called the Maternal Fetal specialists & had me go to the hospital to get an ultrasound & checked out by MFS. I drove straight there ( still have contractings 6 mins apart ) Hubs met me there. The ultrasound showed no amniotic fluid & drew's HB was now in the 90's. My doc admitted me for observation & to put me on antibiotics, and bed rest under supervision. I got put on monitors to watch my contractions, Hypnobirthing works!! They were so sure I wasn't contracting, cuz I wasn't acting all crazy & hyper when I had contractions.(like the ladies in rooms around me) So after a couple of hours in a small L&D room. we got transferred to a larger/more descreet, out of the way. L&D/Mother Baby room. By this time it was 8pm. we had nothing with us & not eaten. I sent hubs home ( 1.5 hours round trip ) to take his truck home & get a ride back & pick us up toiletries & clothes. He left about 8:30. When i got in the new room, I was monitored for aabout 20mins & then the nurse said. .I will take the monitor off, but I want you to tell me when they are getting closer & more intense. so about 9pm I started writing down the times. Whoa... 3 mins apart. about 9:45 I asked to be checked ( the first time while at the hospital ) to my surprise she said. let me get the doc. I was 4 cm & she said with this early, I wouldn't being going to 10. Everything was getting more pressure... so I asked for some pain relief -mild-mild-mild to take the edge off it. I got some stadol put in my iv. I got really relaxed & called hubs at about 10:15 & said you better get here soon. He got back to teh room at 10:30pm. the doc came to check me & said he'd be back in a few.. to check me.. he came back about 10:55 & nicely he didn't get all garbed up.. he checked me & said.. when you are ready I want you to bear down.. w/ one push Andrew was here. They showed us Andrew right away. The way the doc explained it, is w/ no fluid. he was essentially suffocated in the womb. why he was so blue. The doc also said that the baby smelled foul, so the theories are 1) baby got an infection that caused water to break. 2) water broke, don't know why, & baby got infection from being so long w/ no water.
The doc who delivered us, ordered more antibiotics & informed us we'd probably be here( hospital) for a few days for IV antibiotics. We also had white blood cell counts done & those were high.. so all day today(thursday) i've been on 3 doses of antibiotics.. running simultanious & doses getting higher as I finish each one( they are staggered) I'm also getting Pitocin to help my uterus shrink. since I was not near term, they say my body will not create oxytocin to shrink it naturally.
The staff while I've been hospitalized has been super nice. The night nurse that delivered us. Brought us some brochures beforehand about stillborns & miscarriage & all the decisions we would have to make. Once the baby was born. she took him, cleaned him up, dressed him in a homemade gown & cap. she made footprints for us. She also took pictures of him in his out fit & all his features. fingers, toes, his cute nose. She & the doc encouraged us to hold him, he is in a bassinet in the baby area attached to our room. We both cried, seeing him. he looks much bigger than he felt, but he was all fully perfectlly formed. we willl have genetic testing done, but I assume will come back with nothing as did his brother sammy. It's nice, cuz the nurses caring for me, have all shared with me their stories of their losses. They have all been caring & sympathetic.
Our little Andrew was born(still) last night at 11:01PM he is now in heaven with his brother Samuel & his grandpa watching over them. Andrew was only 21 weeks. he measured 11" long and looked perfect. He looked just like we saw him in our ultrasound pictures just 2 short weeks ago.
Going back 48 hours. on Tuesday, I went to work. I was sitting at my desk, & felt a gush of warm water. I headed to bathroom. & it was a BIG gush. that I couldn't control. like my water breaking. I called my doctors office & they advised they were busy & for me to go to the L&D dept at the hospital & the on call doc would see me. We went, the on call doc did a swab test & said that I didn't have any amniotic fluid, but had no explanation of what hte gush was. The on call doc, was much older & seemed knowledgeable. The on call doc from my office never came over, nor did anything. They did doppler & got a 150 HB and sent me home said everything was okay. So i stayed home the rest of the day & worked from home. ( got a lot done too ).
During the early hours of Wednesday I started having "surges" that weren't relieved by moving around. but not consistent. I got up & got ready for work. Went in, when I got to work, I started writing the surges down. hmmm. 6-9 mins apart. I called the office where I knew MY DOC would be at & they said I could come in at 2:30 pm. I got there at 2pm. The nurse on the phone, said you are just probably having braxton-hicks & not used to them. OKAY! When I finally got to see my doc, he did doppler & HB was 150. hmm same as yesterday, but he did not like the discharges I was having.& I was 2cm dialated & thinned out. He called the Maternal Fetal specialists & had me go to the hospital to get an ultrasound & checked out by MFS. I drove straight there ( still have contractings 6 mins apart ) Hubs met me there. The ultrasound showed no amniotic fluid & drew's HB was now in the 90's. My doc admitted me for observation & to put me on antibiotics, and bed rest under supervision. I got put on monitors to watch my contractions, Hypnobirthing works!! They were so sure I wasn't contracting, cuz I wasn't acting all crazy & hyper when I had contractions.(like the ladies in rooms around me) So after a couple of hours in a small L&D room. we got transferred to a larger/more descreet, out of the way. L&D/Mother Baby room. By this time it was 8pm. we had nothing with us & not eaten. I sent hubs home ( 1.5 hours round trip ) to take his truck home & get a ride back & pick us up toiletries & clothes. He left about 8:30. When i got in the new room, I was monitored for aabout 20mins & then the nurse said. .I will take the monitor off, but I want you to tell me when they are getting closer & more intense. so about 9pm I started writing down the times. Whoa... 3 mins apart. about 9:45 I asked to be checked ( the first time while at the hospital ) to my surprise she said. let me get the doc. I was 4 cm & she said with this early, I wouldn't being going to 10. Everything was getting more pressure... so I asked for some pain relief -mild-mild-mild to take the edge off it. I got some stadol put in my iv. I got really relaxed & called hubs at about 10:15 & said you better get here soon. He got back to teh room at 10:30pm. the doc came to check me & said he'd be back in a few.. to check me.. he came back about 10:55 & nicely he didn't get all garbed up.. he checked me & said.. when you are ready I want you to bear down.. w/ one push Andrew was here. They showed us Andrew right away. The way the doc explained it, is w/ no fluid. he was essentially suffocated in the womb. why he was so blue. The doc also said that the baby smelled foul, so the theories are 1) baby got an infection that caused water to break. 2) water broke, don't know why, & baby got infection from being so long w/ no water.
The doc who delivered us, ordered more antibiotics & informed us we'd probably be here( hospital) for a few days for IV antibiotics. We also had white blood cell counts done & those were high.. so all day today(thursday) i've been on 3 doses of antibiotics.. running simultanious & doses getting higher as I finish each one( they are staggered) I'm also getting Pitocin to help my uterus shrink. since I was not near term, they say my body will not create oxytocin to shrink it naturally.
The staff while I've been hospitalized has been super nice. The night nurse that delivered us. Brought us some brochures beforehand about stillborns & miscarriage & all the decisions we would have to make. Once the baby was born. she took him, cleaned him up, dressed him in a homemade gown & cap. she made footprints for us. She also took pictures of him in his out fit & all his features. fingers, toes, his cute nose. She & the doc encouraged us to hold him, he is in a bassinet in the baby area attached to our room. We both cried, seeing him. he looks much bigger than he felt, but he was all fully perfectlly formed. we willl have genetic testing done, but I assume will come back with nothing as did his brother sammy. It's nice, cuz the nurses caring for me, have all shared with me their stories of their losses. They have all been caring & sympathetic.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
please pray
I am trying to get ahold of my doctor now. I still don't feel much better than yesterday.
and I'm showing signs that I might be miscarrying. Disturbs me that the oncall doc, yesterday, dismissed it all & basically sent me on my way.
and I'm showing signs that I might be miscarrying. Disturbs me that the oncall doc, yesterday, dismissed it all & basically sent me on my way.
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