Day 31 - Sunset Reflection - Capture your grief

 

 

My little monkey at the sunset with me this past week. 

Day 28 Self Compassion - Capture your grief

After loss you need to be easy with yourself and your spouse 

Day 27 Family is Forever - Capture your Grief

 

Here was our first family picture. Forever in our hearts. 

Day 26 - #whathealsyou - Capture your grief

#whathealsyou

Healing takes many forms. Having a child, helps, but doesn't heal the wounds of not bringing home our sons. We love our daughter, but I am so sad, she won't get to grow up with her brothers. 

Day 24 Consciously Becoming - Capture your Grief

I am Consciously becoming a better listener, a more patient person, because of my losses.


I am more conscious of what I say, what I do, how it affects other people.


I am more aware, of how I act, how I respond, how other people follow.

Day 23 Sounds Seasons Scents - Capture your Grief

 

Right now I am listening to the sounds of a wind chime given to us by a dear friend after the loss of David. This wind chime brings much peace to my heart when I hear it. We have it hung outside of our family room window. So I hear it often. The key is am I listening for it. 

We also have a red sunset maple planted in our yard for David. It brings us many different seasons of joy, new buds in the spring, beautiful foliage in the fall, a thick sturdy base all winter long. He is always there present in the image of the tree. 

Day 22 Pearls of Wisdom - Capture your Grief

Listen to your heart.

Hug your spouse, make time for each other. 

Make together a priority. 

Day 16 - Full Moon Retreat - Capture your Grief

 

On our full moon, we had a family fire outside. 

Day 15 - Wave of Light - Capture your Grief

 

We were at a prolife dinner on the 15th during the wave of light , I did bring my own candles just in case, but the tables were decked out in candles

 

I love that they used baby's breath on the tables. It has a strong connection to our losses to,not they knew, just was meant to be. 

Day 14 Beliefs & Spirituality - Capture your Grief

Our belief that life begins at conception, all life has value. Is the reason we acknowledge all our babies, whether we got to hold them or not. Whether they came home from the hospital or we just got a positive pregnancy test. 

Spiritually a loss, can make you question your God.

He who gives life also takes life. We know that our boys were taken for God, before we got to bring them home. We know and accept this. 

Day 13 Dear World -- Capture your Grief

Dear World.


I want you to know it is OK to use my sons name. Please ask about him, please talk about him. I may offer a tear, but I'm happy you acknowledge him. I'm happy you remember him.


Thanks

Sam, Andrew & David's mommy

Day 21 Relationships - Capture your Grief

Relationships with friends has changed over time. I can honestly say, my "true" friends list has shrunk. 


With 10 years infertility under our belt and numerous losses, you truly learn who you can count on, and who is there just to be another # on your FB feed.


I have friends and then their are the people I can call when things are rough.


My relationship with my husband is unwavering. He has been there thru the thick and thin. For better and worse, in sickness and in health.  No matter where he has been, and I've called and said something is wrong, he puts everything down, and comes to be by my side.

Day 20 Gratitude - Capture your Grief

When our losses happen, I've tried to stay upbeat, and be grateful for the time- be it short- that we had with our boys.


I was lucky enough twice to meet my boys in a hospital room, seeing their tiny bodies, their faces, their hands, feet, hair, how much they looked like their dad.


Each time I wrote my doctor and thanked them for taking excellent care of me.


I never complained, or threatened lawsuits ( which is what some support groups were all about )


I was thankful for a new day, and a kind hearted husband who was willing to try again, after so much pain, and willing to put up with me through another painful pregnancy.


I was thankful for a wonderful specialist office whose staff made me laugh each time I visited, even though I often grumbled, I looked forward to my weekly visits.


I am always thankful for my faith and the community who supported us during times of loss, and during times of joy.

Day 18 Healing Therapies - Capture your Grief

I have tried after each loss to take some time for personal care. Not full days at the spa or anything, but some retail therapy, maybe a pedicure, catch a movie by myself. Stuff like that.    Those don't necessarily heal, but they help the mind, relax, and refresh.  Also, I usually try to get back into a groove of attending daily mass more frequently.

Day 19 Grief Rituals- Capture your Grief

The phone calls, that's the first thing that comes to mind.


The dreaded phone calls, instead of being joyful that baby is here, it's with a tone of, crying that there is no more heartbeat, or baby has passed.


Planning funerals is also the hard part for me. Picking the readings, picking the "right" songs, decisions on burial.


We've come to our own rituals when burying our boys. 


We've done graveside service only , and then we've done complete mass.


I have always put the boys cremains into the ground. We allow anyone who wants to put a shovel full of dirt into the hole, until it is full --it really is healing for us.


Lunch with family afterwards. We've done our favorite pizza place when services were small, and more of a sit down restaurant with a buffet lunch when it topped 100 people.

Day 19 Grief Rituals- Capture your Grief

The phone calls, that's the first thing that comes to mind.


The dreaded phone calls, instead of being joyful that baby is here, it's with a tone of, crying that there is no more heartbeat, or baby has passed.


Planning funerals is also the hard part for me. Picking the readings, picking the "right" songs.

Day 17 Sacred Space - Capture Your Grief

After each loss, the "babies" room, became sacred space.


I went in there when I needed to be alone.


I had a very hard time preparing it for Lizzie.

Day 11 Creative Heartwork -- Capture your grief

When I think of Heartwork, I think of how others helped us during our time of grief.




We had many, many flowers sent. While appropriate, they were overwhelming, and so many lilies sent our house smelled, over fragrant.


We received some other special things like mass cards, and a heart locket.



I would have loved to receive some meals, I just wasn't up to doing much after those losses.

Day 10 - Symbols * Signs -- Capture your Grief

When I see owls, I think of our ultrasounds of our twins. Twins look like owls on ultrasound.

When I see peanuts, I think of David. That was his nickname.

When I see pennies on the ground I think of my grandpa. Dropping them down, so I know he is there. I know is watching out and guarding me wherever I see them.

When I see Frogs, I am reminded to give my husband a hug.

I often am stopped or triggered by a number 12 : 23   .. was the date my dad passed.

There are flowers, that remind me of different losses.

There are things that trigger each and every day, but they are good signs, and it reminds me that they ( my boys, my dad, my grandpa ) are around me and present everyday. 

Gentle reminders that they do see what's going on, make me happy.

Day 9 Surrender & Embrace -- Capture your Grief

Surrender means, turning this whole thing over to God. If we allow him to be in control, he will help us through it.

Embrace what we were given. Love what we have for the time on Earth we have it, until we get to meet our little ones again in heaven.