12-24 - Ten Years

About this very time 10 years ago, my world came crumbling down. My dad did not meet us at Christmas Eve mass, like we thought he was, but maybe he got forced to work at double ( he worked at a prison & couldn't leave unless enough people showed up to relieve them ). So knowing that he had to work again in the morning & that he probably wouldn't be home til late, my youngest sister & I decided to go to his condo & put his presents under the tree. So when I pulled up & saw his car in it's parking spot, I was befuddled.. Why hadn't he answered the phone.. We called like 50 times.

So we unlocked the door & went in, put the presents under the tree & noticed some unusual things laying out.. ( Like a pizza box ) ... She being the youngster , she was curious ( she was 12) She went running upstairs.. By now I was cautious & starting to panic.. I raced up with her.. not expecting to see him laying in bed, not responding to us. I immediately called 911 & then called my brother & sister to come over immediately.. I didn't tell them what was up, just that they needed to get there right away. I still remember touching his foot and it was cold & stiff. When the EMS arrived, they asked if I started chest compressions, I said no, he's dead, they said well how do you know.. I said what I can see is blue , cold & stiff.. Thankfully the 9-11 operator was talking to my younger sister & asked her to hang outside to wait for the people to come ( police, EMS ) so they kept her busy, a very nice female officer showed up ( officer Amanda) most police don't use first names, but it was very warming that she was kind enough to keep us at ease & not police jargon us.

At this point they were trying to figure out how long he had been deceased, so they called his work, who seriously hung up on me when I called, they thought it was a bad joke.. So the officer had to call back & talk to them. Then I had to make the decision what funeral home to call to come & pick him up. The hospital pronounced him, without making them transport him. Thankfully my brothers friend came with him, who is a cop in a neighboring city, he talked w/ the cops & dealt with most of that stuff with us, but then I had to call my grandmother to tell her, her son had passed, and all his siblings. Not the thing I wanted to do on Christmas Eve.

I've mentioned before that I see 12 23 all the time.. I know in my heart, that he passed on 12/23.
We didn't have an autopsy, done, after much diliberation( only because it would have delayed the funeral by another week, and wouldn't have given us the answers we were looking for ) but the funeral directors, were able to estimate by rigor/etc, how long he had been deceased. Which would have put him onto 12/23. It was(still is ) to imagine my dad passing on my birthday, and then 4 years ago, my grandfather passed on 12/23.

Thankfully my husband doesn't question, when I disappear for the entire day of 12/24 and just spend it doing whatever I want.. Most of which is just driving around aimlessly. To the gentlemen who helped me at Starbucks today, he must have thought I was a crazed lunatic. Ordering my  tall hot chocolate, balling my eyes out. My dad went to Starbucks almost every day for a grande black coffee. I had to stop in today to commerate him.  Had my phone been working right, I was going to show a picture of my dad to the barista, who has worked there that long & would know him.

So thanks to the power of FaceTime. I took my sister (who lives in Cape Cod)  with me to the cemetery. She cried the entire time with me, as we visited my grandpa's grave first & then crunched in the snow all the way over to my dad.. I left him a starbucks coffe..  & I laid down on the cold ground, in the chilly 15 degrees and fresh snow & made a snow angel for him.
**update** my sister texted me, she said the best gift she'll get all Christmas, she was so glad to be able to visit my dad.. Many thanks to my honey for letting me get the i-phone so I can share these moments with my sister who is so far away.

 

 

12-24

Today  is the 9 year anniversary of my dad's passing.

 

 

There are certain things that remind us so much of him, like a good cup of joe from S.tarbucks, my inspiration for his grave wreath this year.  Another is C.oldstone. We had a ice cream cake from there on Saturday for my birthday & 2 of my nephews.  My dad had left us all c.oldstone gift cards in our stockings that Christmas.  

 

I've had dreams of him rocking my sweet little one in heaven. So I know my sweet peanut is not alone, his papa is taking care of him. 

Joy & Sorrow

So the Joy's in my life at the moment.
+My 2nd niece or nephew is due Dec 21. ( well on my husband's side we have 14). 
+Got to see my beautiful Goddaughter & Godson over the Thanksgiving holiday.(they live out of state)
+All my siblings will be home for Christmas.

When I was little, this was the most magical time of year. You see, I was born 2 days before Christmas, on Christmas Eve, my parents were told that I may not live, & I had to be transferred to another hospital. My mother was not able to leave the hospital, but my dad was insistent that I not be alone. In the following years, Santa visited my house every year on my Birthday! I was always told that Santa visited the houses of little girls that had birthday's really close to Christmas. As I got older I looked forward to the Candy Cane filled with Hershey kisses and the special time with a family friend who arrived with Mrs. Claus. When I blew out the candles on my birthday, I always wished for a White Christmas - Snow!  Fast forward a few years, when I turned 29, my birthday & Christmas took a big turn. My birthday came and went, I hadn't got a phone call from my dad, It was very unusual, but I figured his work was keeping him away and busy. I ended the day, saying that I would see him tomorrow for sure. Why not?  It was Christmas Eve of course. I woke, busied myself with the "stuff" that comes with being Christmas Eve, wrapping, last minute gift buying, baking cookies, etc. But no call from my dad; my parents were divorced, and it was my mom's weekend with my younger siblings so we headed to the 4:30 Christmas Eve mass; my lil sister and I decided on the way home that we would drop by my dad's house and drop off some cookies & his present. He had to work on Christmas, so we wouldn't get to see him in the morning. As we pulled in, I got this pit in my stomach.  His car was parked; I rang the phone, he didn't answer. Well maybe he car-pooled with someone to work.  So I got out my key, & we walked up to the locked door, inserted my key, and proceeded in. WoW the TV was on..  I yelled out DAD.. Hey DAD.. Nothing.  There was a pizza box open on the counter w/ 3 slices left in it.  The pit in my stomach now felt like a huge boulder.  I walked up the stairs, my lil sister raced up around me. As I turned the corner I could see his foot hanging off the end of the bed. I yelled again Hey DAD!  My sister ran up & shook him to wake him. When I saw his foot I froze. I immediately ran for my phone & called 9-1-1.  There was nothing I could have done, he passed, alone, in his bed. According to the funeral director, probably 24 hours before we found him, quickly, so it wasn't painful.  His heart gave out. So even though his death certificate says Date of Death 12/24, I know had everything been ok, he wouldn't have forgotten to  call me on my birthday. A blizzard ensued on the day of the funeral.   My 30th birthday came & I didn't want to do anything. When I was 31, I got married, my dad was not there to walk me down the aisle; he didn't get to see the joy in my heart. on my 35th birthday, my husband threw me a surprise party, because he loved me & wanted to bring joy back to my birthday. It was lovely, when I blew out the candles on my cake, I wished for one thing, one last phone call with my dad. After everyone left and the house was cleaned up, the phone rang, my grandfather, who had been plaged with Alzheimers for the last 15 years, had left us on Earth, and join my father in Heaven. I was spending another Christmas at the funeral home. The snow came a few days later. The day of his funeral it was a blizzard. The snow was coming down 2" an hour. The Navy honor guard did TAPS indoors.  This year it will be 2 years since my grandpa, and 8 years since my dad joined the Saints in Heaven. I ball my eyes out when I hear TAPS.. On Christmas Eve, I cry thru the entire mass.

Recently I found, in a box of my dad's important pictures/ papers, the visiting guidelines for the neo-natal intensive care unit from when I was in the hospital as an infant. It just amazed me that he kept something like that!

This time of year brings out many emotions and memories for me, but I will say that I am doing better this year than I have in past. I just pray that my sisters new little one picks a different day, than 12/23 to make it's entrance into the world.