6/26

Cupcakes at the cemetery. 

Cuz that's how I roll!!

My boys are laid on top of my dads chest. I had a nice visit with them all tonight. 

My dad loved to live life. Cupcake I got 3 years ago had a surfer on it, this one has a shark!!

My sisters say that in one of my dads trips he was snorkeling and came across sharks. They were freaked and he was calm about it!

Surf on!

So my dad was known to take us out for slurpees.  So there have been a few memorial slurpees consumed today. Lil MacK consumed her first today!!

Blank Canvas

Blank Canvas.

 

 

Slowly over time, many plants, trees, bushes have died off one and  two at a time.

Why does nature do this? 

 

I know you've heard someone say to you after a miscarriage, it was God's will, or it's natures way of telling you this baby wasn't meant to be.

 

Have you ever heard anyone say, that it's God's will for a tree to die... No.. 

 

So why is it okay for someone to say that about a miscarriage?

 

 

 

So soon this blank canvas will turn into something, minus the retaining wall, minus the moss. Soon to be full of life again, with some fresh mulch to sustain it.

 

 

 

What a month can do

And a lot of natural water. 

Just some plant updates. 

Memorializing our saints

This is going to be 2 part.. A)What I did as a parent, to honor our sons in our daily lives and our house.   B) What you can offer, send, do for others in their time of loss.

 

I struggled with what to do, to have a lasting memory of our David. I have pictures, which are priceless, but I needed something that when I see it, reminds me of him.

 

Since his funeral, we've had pictures of hubs & I holding David on our mantle.  Be honest, if we have someone over, hubs puts them away. We have shadow boxes with momentos for each of our boys, but they are not out on public display either. Leads me to the crosses in our hallway; I have one for Samuel, I purchased it at a store it says For this child I have prayed. 1 Samuel 1:27.  It was the perfect fit, Sam was our first child, after many long years of IF.  The other crosses are gifts, some as momentos from trips; Italy, Germany. I have 2 different Irish crosses. I have 2 more that I received after David passed that will go up on the wall. One is of shells that are from the beaches in Florida, and another was a gift that is made of twine/burlap.

 

So I set out to the craft store and found this cross, it's of a memory box brand. The hard task, was what do I put in each box to symbolize David.

So finished project looks like this.  Rock, is heart shaped; hubs and I found on a beach symbolizing we are solid. David is in a frame in the center.  Bottom, peanuts in the shell; his nickname the entire pregnancy. Right side: M&M's hubs loves them, I would treat myself to maybe 1 a day; when I found out I was gest diabetic; self control!  Rose blossoms on the left.

                  

 

I have different cross that I am working on for Andrew, much different. When it's ready I'll post pictures. Sorry it has nothing to do with chocolate or nuts.

 

 

So shortly after David's funeral, we were blessed with so many kind gifts, and some monetary gifts for us to do with as we chose. So with the majority of the money, we donated to a charity we felt really close to our heart, and that we are assured will help many babies be saved. We did set aside a small bit to purchase a tree to go in our yard.  A living reminder of our boys.  Begrudgingly my husband let me go to the tree farm. 

 

Tree farm was very peaceful.. We rode around on a golf cart, perusing the rows. We decided, and tagged a beautiful Sunset Red Maple tree for our little guys. In the fall it will give us nice red foilage.  Tagged means it's ours, we( hubs ) has to go back with the big rig to pick it up. Our yard is way too wet to drive on yet, so it will sit on the farm a little longer, til we can plant it.

I also had a keychain made for hubs, and a necklace for me from Held Your Whole Life with their names on them.

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 Sooo, I've had a few people privately contact me and ask: 

 

I'm at a loss, what do I do? 

 

What can I send? 

 

My ((friend, BFF,coworker,sister,sister-in-law))  just had a miscarriage, stillborn, fullterm loss, baby passed during childbirth. What do I do?

 

Some of  the questions I ask before I offering up some suggestions.

 

Are you near or far?

How close are you to them? Friend you haven't seen in 5 years, or BFF you see every day!

Do they have other children?

Do they have support from family/friends nearby?

Are they still in the hospital themselves?

Do they have any medical limitations?

 

Above all, PRAY for them.

That is the least you can do for them.

 

 Practical

Some of the practical things I offer up: Offer to bring a meal, make a meal to leave for another day, offer to watch their children, or better yet, get them out of the house to give them some quiet time when they return home. Remember in some of those cases, they are physically recovering from a surgery or birth.  Offer to pick up groceries for them, clean their house, clean a bathroom, do the dishes, do some laundry. Offer to pick their other kids up from school; shuttle them to after school activities. Offer to stop by & just chat. Sit and talk, sit and listen. Chances are they might just want someone to tell their story too. It may not mean you have to contribute a word, they just may need to tell someone their story from the past few days.

 

Some other things we received practically that were unique; movie passes, dinner gift cards, a heart necklace, books, cd's of music selected for us, edible arrangement, hotel visit. We also received some inspirational artwork.

 

If they are still in the hospital, a visit to them, a care package. In one of our losses we were there unexpectedly and had nothing with us, and the 2nd we had a bag packed for delivery, but not with the stuff we might have needed for a loss. They might need help with kids, if they are still in the hospital. Snacks, phone chargers, or reading material. With Andrew I was stuck in for several long boring days, waiting for my infection to go away.

 

 For some sending a gift seems appropriate. We received many flowers:

I tried to keep something from the various arrangements ( like you will find the butterfly in a shadowbox)

This came in a beautiful white vase with a cross on it.

 

This thing stood like 4' tall

This was sent by a special group of ladies, this was one of 2 living arrangements we received. It still takes up residence in our living room, and livens up our days. The group specifically wanted a peace lily in it. Ladies the Lily is still going strong !!

 

Spiritual things I offer as advice; have a mass said for them, enroll them in a perpetual mass, offer up something for them. Send them a spiritual bouquet. Say the rosary for them. Spend an hour in adoration praying for them. We received blessed medals and holy cards from special shrines related to mothering, loss, and babies.

 

 

 

 

Secular memorial ideas:

 

I love this thoughtful gift I was sent by my cousin. They are windchimes.. The hang tag is engraved with our boys names on it. They play a sweet lullaby. Don't read the lullaby unless you have a tissue. I have them hanging outside my family room window. Even with the windows closed, I can hear them making music in the wind.

Just can't catch a break

EIt's another month, that 100's of dollars in meds go down the drain.

I really don't know why I even bother taking them. 

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I'm in a volunteer group at work, we have a big event next week, in top of regular job, a lot going on. 

Plus new people helping who need a lot of guidance . 

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In other great news, our landlord (business) decided to give us 15 days to move out. Yep !! No reason!! Thankfully we found a new place, but it won't be available for us to move in for 2 weeks, giving us only a couple of days to move.

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Oh yeah.. add that our basement is still leaking.. from all the rain we had(keep having). Had a contractor out, we need to have new drain tiles installed.  $$$. and because we have been inundated with so much rain. There are no openings to do the work til AUGUST.


 

So yeah it's one of those weeks again.   

Sleep

Having trouble sleeping 

Why did he choose me

Doesn't God know I don't want to be the one going through this. Why did he choose me?

Doesn't he know I have a tough exterior because I had to, to make it thru, but my heart is very weak. Why did he choose me?

I can handle disappointment, I've learned to almost every month. But. Why does he keep choosing me?

At this point I'm not greedy, one will be sufficient. Why does he keep giving more to those who already have 1,2,3,4,5,6, you get it. Why does he keep saying no to me? 

He took one, I handled with grace, 2,3, I was deeply distraught. 4, why does he keep taking from me? 

10 things about me

Need a fun post.

So 10 Things you may not know about me...

1) Oldest child
2) 1 brother-- 3 sisters
3) have worn glasses since I was 9, tried contacts when I was 18.
4) i asked the hubs out.
5) worked at a hardware store in high  school & college.
6) have a tattoo
7) all vehicles I've owned, have had sunroofs. ( current vehicle leased, no sunroof)
8) have been to Hawaii
9) smoked a cigarette once. (Never again)
10) dislike anything with mayonnaise. .

Want to share something in the combox. Hey make your own 10 things list. Can't wait to read about you.

Growing in the garden.

My veggie garden for planted this week. Yeah!! Better late than never. 

So it's not super extravagant. Several varieties of tomatoes; Roma, San Marzano, Better boy, mountain something. 

We also have some herbs , basil, basil, basil (I love Basil). Thyme, dill and cilantro.  

There are marigolds planted around the border for the bees, and to keep the deer away( yeah it won't help), but books say it will. 

I have an overgrown perennial herb area.

With chives and mint

Some people don't know the chives are chives & think it's a cool purple plant. 

I planted a planter by our deck, has morning glories in the middle (on the tripod) petunias and white fluff around it. 

Marigolds, sunflower, and snapdragons in this one. 

Haven't had this much planted the past couple of summers.

Monday - Funday - Not

Today, was the dreaded appointment, that I've been dreaming/stressing about.

Let's just say the only thing that didn't come true was being sent home for the non-kosher apple pie.


So I arrived 20 minutes early ( well parking lot ) took me 12 minutes to get to the department, because they do not know how to give directions ( not suprised). Find dept.. they keep the door locked until 1pm cuz they are closed for lunch.  As I'm leaning against the wall waiting; the elevator door opens ( didn't look like a functioning elevator, that old ) ... The first thing I see, is a gun in a holster. Then the brown uniform..  then followed by a wheelchair being pushed by another brown uniform. Can't be so..  Someone from the local county jail. The sheriff escorting, miffed that he has to wait for the 1pm appointment..so they wheel down the hall, I'd guess it's not his first visit here. 

1pm on the dot, the door opens; we are told to come in. Person behind desk, ask me my name.. she shuffles thru a bunch of stuff, then says what does your last name start with..  REALLY !!! for those that know.. I hope you laugh, cuz I was dying inside. She asks for my ID & keeps it.. ( not cool ).. says have a seat in the waiting room ( no mention of where it was ) and that registration will come and get me. 

So as I'm sitting in the waiting room.. I unfortunately notice that the woman across the room, has zero undergarments on.. about lost my lunch.. wait didn't have lunch yet.. start eating a protein bar to try and advert my attention. Thankful when I get called to the registration.. chair..

This place was straight out of the 50's so far behind in everything. I return to the nice view in the waiting room.  I open my email from pray more novenas..

At 1:25 I get called back for my 1pm appointment.

So we meet in room ( find out later it's a doctors office -- she just wasn't here that day ) nothing fancy!! 

So we is the Geneticist ( someone with a bachelors or masters, no more schooling ) and a student geneticist.  She was nice, but new herself, and from what I read, she primarily counsels cancer patients, is filling in, in the Maternal Fetal dept, because their person is on maternity leave.  She asked a lot of questions ( my chart never fully made it to this hospital )  She asked a lot ( of the same questions, I've been asked before ) about family history.  But no red flags, because my husband is adopted. So they don't think it's necessary that we know nothing on his side, and don't order any additional tests. She also doesn't answer some of my key questions,  ( Askenazi Jewish  heritage ) ..
Correlation that all our losses are boys.  She just counsels me that because I'm getting older, my odds of having a downs baby increase, and why would I still want to have a child knowing that.  She thoroughly goes thru the options of tests to identify downs, when preg, and HIGHLY advises I have those done.. I said, why?  well don't you want to know, so you can make decisions about that..  She was young, and obviously not Catholic!!  Then has the audacity to ask, did I get accomplished in the appointment what I thought I would.. ( ((NO ) )).  I had brougth my 23 & Me results that had been input in Genetic genie.. She scoffed at 23 & me. saying, did I honestly think I would get a lot of answers for $99 vs spending $1000's on proper genetic gtesting.. Her professional opinion, is I have a string of bad luck.   So she packs up & leaves and says she'll consult with the doctor for a minute & he'll be in.. She did not offer to do any proper genetic testing you know the $$$$ kind. So my husbands background was not checked any further.. ( still not sure that's the best way to go )

45 minutes later.. Dr. K comes in.  I've met Dr. K before, when I was transferred to his office when Andrew was born.. His comments to me at the time, were not Catholic & I asked to not see him during David's pregnancy. He is very talented ( and claims to be Catholic ) .  He comes in and asks if we've met before. I said yes. He looks puzzled. I gave him the details of our brief encounter.. He then apologizes for his words. I said well.. thank you.. I said I am open to a fresh start, but please know telling me to abort my son, will never be tolerated! 

 So he looks over the info sent over on David's pregnancy.  He asks some questions. He is concerned with the placental report. He says, it shows a blood clot in the placenta. NaPro doctor who sent me to see the geneticist & the MFM, wanted them to investigate Thromobphilia. . .  He asks me about the tests run after David.. I said.. all the doctors would run is standard ACOG tests, no one ran anything outside of the box... I said I'm sick of trying to be shoved in  a little box.. Obviously we need to think outside the box. He ran a bunch of blood work. ( lab lady didn't want to listen to me about drawing my blood -- I won out in the end ).  Dr. K advises that I start taking baby aspirin every day. He looks at the genetic genie stuff, and takes my copy to look into the MTHFR deficiencies further.. he gave me permission to TTC. said because of my age, he would give permission to start now. ( not that I was asking for his approval ) None the less, he said he waited to help me thru a pregnancy. The only other thing he offered for future pregnancy; Kick Counts. I said NO ONE mentioned them last time.. He looked shocked, I said now I know; I said with anterior placenta, I didn't feel much movement, so nothing seemed out of the ordinary. he also said he would encourage earlier delivery.. so not going past 37 weeks.

I had them make me a copy of all the blood work they requested, so I can review with my dr on wednesday.. He's making me come in to get a refill, so I'll bombard him with questions.

I don't feel like I had an excellent visit. I think the genetic part was definitely a waste of time; but honestly think if it were a different person, it would have been completely different. I won't leave any stones uncovered.

Sorry if this is mumbled.. I'm tired, but wanted to get the meaty part posted while it's still fresh.

I am not Cookie Cutter

Had to break it to my doctor that I don't fit in his cookie cutter patient mold. 

I told him that I need to start being treated outside the mold, outside the box. I said telling me I've had bad luck with the last 3 pregnancies is not acceptable anymore. I said I'm not getting younger. 

So after my Wednesday appt. I have an updated med list; get back going on metformin, baby aspirin, new prenatal. Liquid vitamin D, amoxicillin, b6, mucinex. Maintain a healthy diet ( for me that means no gluten, no dairy) goal to get 3 days of exercise per week. He said to drag my husband out with me to exercise. 

He wrote a script for karotyping. I also have to take serum hug, at the end of the cycle, before they can issue a script for femara. 

The MFm specialist I saw Monday,ran many blood tests, thyroid, and thrombophilia tests. 

We wait to see what those may say. 

What I left my doctor with, I am not your average patient. I am not your rare patient, I am very unique. I need them to accept and treat me outside the box. Look under every rock. 

The longest week

It's been a rough one. I'm ready from Friday. 

So I get a call tonight. It's my sister, she just arrived home. I can hear mr b crying in the background. I said what's wrong? He's balling cuz I didn't come to see him tonight. 

He had so much fun the last week with me, mommy wasn't able the console him. ( good for my if heart). 

Here are some picks of last night with him. Mind you I had to go watch him, cuz he had a headache and fever, so he didn't want to go to baseball. The right medicine & an apple cured him. 

Cheeze 

Sitting watching our shadows

Snacks 

Silly faces

More silliness 

Scavenger hunt for yellow!!

When he perked up, we rode bikes to the park (church school playground) park to ourselves!! Rode home & everyone was back from the baseball game!!

Sometimes we are good medicine for each other!!

Completely frustrated.

This has been a trying week --dear readers.

The list starts as such:

CD1 ( Sunday ) and has been very heavy.

Open prescription bottle that I should take on Monday, it's empty.. Wednesday, is when the nurse calls back, and says: oh, dr. won't refill until you come in.. ( really ) i've only had one cycle on meds. Cuz she didn't fill the prescription correctly.. ( she did only 1 month of Femara, and 3 months worth of Progesterone )  I left a very detailed message; but apparently.. this nurse doesn't listen.. blah blah !
So another cycle down the drains.. should I even bother to take any more mucus enhancers.
So now I have to take another day off to go in for an appt so they will refill a prescription a week from now..


ZITS like crazy..

Losing my hair.. groves of it.

Family drama happening again..  involving the monkeys. They are safe !! All I can share ..

Um let's see add on that my basement is taking on water ( we had bad storms here Saturday/Sunday)
Water is still seeping in, we have a nice river in our basement to the floor drains.. through our carpet. Ripped out carpet.

Insurance company/adjuster came out, not a "flood" in the technical side. So nothing they can do to help us.

had to rip out carpeting cuz of said water in basement. next to start tearing out drywall, cuz we haven't found where it's leaking in.


So yes, if it can get a "wee" bit better around here, I would really appreciate it.

View from 3

Life as viewed from Mr. B who is 3

There is a hot dog hiding in the ketchup.

Supervising his brudders homework. ( he wants the help color so bad)

Helping me water

I got it!! While pushing his baby Mackenzie.. While its June here it's only been in the 40's hence

Winter jackets

A little gold digging.. 

Hope you find a pot at the end of your  rainbow.  

Weeds

Weed: a valueless plant growing wild, especially one that grows on cultivated ground to the exclusion or injury of the desired crop. Usually of vigorous growth. 

So your garden is growing lovely, including those intrusive weeds!! You know the kind that everyone has names for the pickery ones, the ones with cute yellow flowers, or the ones you can blow.

There are many different ways to combat  "weeds". You can spray with something that will kill the weed, but all that really does is turn it brown, it kills it, but doesn't get rid of it!

So now you just have brown "weeds" instead of green ones! 

To truly get rid of the weeds you have to put some hard work and sweat equity into it and pull them. 

You get your pair of work gloves out, and you start picking. 

A shovel might be necessary to get the troublesome weeds. 

Weeds are not good, because they suck out the good life. 

People often ask how do we get weeds. Well it's this cyclical part of nature. The trees, plants, all send off little species to try and create a new life somewhere else.  Some we are okay with taking root and others we are not. 

Weeds are the persistent ones. They are always trying and trying to take root, even where we don't want them the most, in our flower beds, cracks, and gutters. 

Sometimes it's easy to get the weeds out of our life, sometimes not. Sometimes the weed killer will suffice, and sometimes you have to get your hands dirty and sometimes it requires a shovel. 

If it is something that is not going to bring joy to you, then I definitely consider it a weed and its best to eradicate it before it turns into something bigger.