Miscarriage vs. Stillborn

 I had to look up what defines a stillborn. So a stillborn is your child with a gestational age over 18 weeks, before that it is considered a miscarriage. (From Wikipedia) Almost every state has varying different definition of what gestation/age is a miscarriage & stillborn is.

Some of the differences I've experienced with my miscarriage vs. stillborn.

My known miscarriage was at gestational age of 8/9 weeks, but was not detected in an office visit until 14 weeks (he had no heartbeat). Some peoples bodies naturally know that the baby is deceased & release the baby, whereas a woman sees spotting, bleeding, cramping. Then there are some peoples bodies hang onto them, and they have to be induced/removed. (either a pill is taken or some women have a D&E) With my stillborn son, my water broke (this does not happen to everyone) and I eventually went into labor.

Depending on how early in a pregnancy you tell friends/family, a miscarriage may be something you suffer silently with your husband. Most miscarriages happen early, some people so early they may not even know they are pregnant. In the case of my miscarriage, we were cautious, so we were waiting til our 2nd trimester. My appointments had got out of sync at my doctors office. So I was seen at 8 weeks by our doctor, at 12 weeks by their nurse ( this office's requirement of 1 nurse visit to go thru paperwork, nothing "medical" was done) and then at 14 weeks 6 days saw my doctor ( it was before Christmas, so this was going to be "16 week " appointment). We still hadn't told family, cuz we wanted to be sure & I wasn't showing, so who would know. So instead of the " Awesome" christmas present we had for everyone. I had a D&E the day after Christmas.

So after having a miscarriage when we became pregnant 6 months later ( our first real cycle after the loss) we became pregnant. In my husbands head we weren't going to tell anyone til I was showing. He had also thought Thanksgiving would be a good time too ( I would have been 7 months). I finally had convinced him that once we had our 18 week anatomy ultrasound we could share.. & we did, we had a BBQ & the family over & told them ALL. We had also started Hynobirthing classes at 18 weeks. ( they recommend classes in 2nd trimester ). This felt so real, although I hadn't said anything at work, cuz I wasn't showing again. I learned at my 3rd doctors visit, that my uterus was tipped back(into me) so I wouldn't "show" for a while. The tipped uterus also makes it more difficult to feel your child "kick". I did near the end feel Drew kicking, but nothing strong that I could let his dad feel.

With my miscarriage, Sammy hadn't come out on his own, so we had a "scheduled" time to remove his deceased body. In hospital terms, they deemed him a bunch of tissue, because of his gestational age, he wasn't formed into much more. I was put to sleep, he was removed, and the tissue remains were sent in for genetic testing. I woke up in recovery and as soon as I could stand up I could go home. I had a lot of bleeding for 2-3 days. Then I got another cycle about 2 weeks later. I was cleared by my doc to get back to trying when I had my next cycle.  I wasn't really looking to "chart" yet, but just kept an eye out for it to start, which it took 3 months for the next cycle to start ( well I finally called the doc after 3 months cuz it hadn't started, so I took meds to "start it".

With Drew, my water broke on a Tuesday morning at 9am. I called the office, they sent me to the hospital. I was checked out by the old timer, who told me I didn't know what water breaking was & did a little test & sent me on my way, telling me I must have some urinary incontinence problem. At 3am on Wednesday, I started having regular contractions 9 mins apart. Called my doc in the morning, drove to see him at 2pm. By now my contractions were 5-6 mins apart. He sent me straight to the Maternal Fetal Specialist (MFS) who determined I had no water left, my sac had completely broke, not a pin-hole leak & my son was being suffocated in the womb because their was no cushioning fluid. The MFS said our only option was to have an Abortion right now. Thankfully having gone thru our birth classes and being educated, I said NO, that was not for an option for us & I could birth him naturally. I think back now & still question how this doctor, practicing in a Catholic Hospital could even suggest as the best medical advice, and Abortion as the only option. He literally gave us no other option. He went on to tell me it was going to be long birth & did I want to endure that. I said sir I have been in labor already for 12 hours now, it can't be that much longer. He tried to tell me that I wasn't in labor. He called my doctor & my doc admitted me. ( this guy was not going to ).  Five hours after being admitted our son was born. He passed in the womb, but because it had been so long since my water broke, he was "infected" and therfore I had to be treated by IV for various infections he would pass to me. I birthed Drew naturally, I did ask for a 'relaxant' of some sort about an hour before his birth, but I was 100% there and did it all. He was 11" long , his head was 7" dia. and he weighed 330 grams. There was no evidence left of his sibling who passed in utero at 8 weeks gestation. When Drew was born, he was placed on my chest.. while they cut his cord. They checked my placenta to make sure it didn't have issues. The placenta delivered properly about 20 mins later.  My placenta & a piece of Drews thigh bone are being tested genetically to see if it leads us to any reasons for his early passing. With my stillborn birth, I had heavy bleeding for 2-3 days. but light bleeding still for 2 weeks. They say 2-6 weeks can be normal.

With my miscarriage occuring at the hospital, the remains were tested & disposed of medically.
With my stillborn son, I had to make arrangements for a funeral home to come pick up his remains. Then we had to decide if we were going to have him put in a casket & buried , or cremated.  We opted to have him cremated & his remains were buried in a gravesite.

With my miscarriage D&E,  I walked in in sweats, and left in sweats and my underwear too.
After a stillborn, I had spent several days in a hospital gown, and those weird stretchy hospital panties, and this giant pad thing. My hospital visit wasn't planned, so I didn't have the luxury of packing a bag.

With my miscarriage, I had a nice pep talk w/ the doc. He was so supportive, & thinking it was just gods will & we could try again, after a brief hiatus.  My emotional state was not broken. I bounced back quicly. I was ready to start trying as soon as we were given the approval.

With my stillborn. My doc was super supportive, big cheerleader. I didn't get a talk about it being god's will. He cried with us, when he came to see us. He ran a bunch more blood tests to see if that helps us determine if there is anything else we need to be watching out for. He is not speculating why, until we have all the tests back, which take 4-6 weeks. Wait there's that 6 week wait again.
We have to wait a minimum of 6 weeks, to put an "I"s on the chart. Let's just say, I'm not "ra-rah" lets' get on the bandwagon again. I feel broken, I feel hurt, I don't want it to happen again. I want to ask LOTS of questions. the 6 week wait may be longer.  It pains me, because we were advised to abstain the entire time we were pregnant.. & now longer & .. What hurts even more is reading these stupid books they gave us in the hospital. One says something about stillborns pull couples apart, because one or the other avoid having relations with each other, which leads to turmoil, or furthermore divorce.  Not that, it's going to happen here.. we are using SPICE.. there is not a whole lot of  "P" going on here, but a lot of S, C & E ..  Because of everything that happened at birth/infections and all. I have been on meds, and have developed infection after infection/ill effects of infection/ thrush/yeast infection/ etc. 

Some people experience the Pregnancy bump, I didn't have to endure this. nor maternity clothes. I was lucky enough to actually lose 10 lbs so far. Not having gained any weight during my pregnancy this was a nice hurdle to not have to deal with afterwards. Some ladies after a stillborn are left with " a pregnant looking tummy to have to lose/shrink. Without a baby to nurse to help" with the " weight loss.  With a miscarriage you generally are not far enough along to have to deal w/ any major weight gain issues/bump issues.

With a stillborn you are generally further along where you might have started buying/acquiring baby items, you know getting the nursery ready, because you found out what you are having & are excited for the little slugger or ballerina to arrive. The question then is what do you do with the nursery, do you get rid of everything, pack it up, or close off that room.  A miscarriage you probably haven't begun to ready a nursery yet, so it's not as much to think about.

Another question the nurses in the hospital couldn't answer. Would I have breast pain after my stillborn birth. I did not. Apparently because the pregnancy was not as advanced, my body did not signal milk to come in yet, & my boobs have shrunk back to 'somewhat' normal.

Most of the "brochures/books" given to me at the hospital were very generalized, but some very insensitive.  One was titled "Fetal" loss guide. Really call it an infant loss guide.. When I had a miscarriage I got no "fetal" loss guide. The nurses in L&D treated my son, like he was any other "infant" born there, he was bathed, dressed, had footprints taken, they took newborn pictures of him, the made a bassinet card for him. 3 of the 4 nurses I had during my stay, all shared their own stories of their losses with me, which was nice, because they "understood" I had one really insensitive nurse.. "Misty" I dont' wish something bad on someone, but because of how she treated me, i'm sure that's why she had a horrible night.. When she came on her shift. she came in & was like so WHAT have are we going to do with your son, cuz I need to get him out of here, before he starts smelling. Karma came to bite her in the ass later that night.. cuz she apparently had a bad night.. & let's just say the Director of nursing came to visit me the day I left & apologized for Misty's actions ( I hadn't said anything to anyone)

With a miscarriage people are quick to comment, to try again.  With a stillborn, people are asking, if I'll be able to have children, or if there is some abnormality in me. For real people I feel broken, I don't need you to ask me if I am.

Physical & Emotional pain has been very different. Physically my miscarriage was more painful for me.  I had to go under anethesia, nothing was natural about what happened, I was in pain afterwards, I took heavy pain meds. Mentally the miscarriage was not as hard, I hadn't felt my baby yet, I hadn't gained any weight, my body hadn't really expanded yet.  Physically my stillborn was much easier. I went thru everything naturally, I wasn't in any pain, I did not take any pain killers afterwards, I took things easy, I feel like running  a marathon now, but have been advised to not do anything strenuous for 6 weeks. Mentally not so easy, after you have felt your child, seen him on an ultrasound, birthed him, it's not so easy to "bounce back".

The best thing for me is for people to listen, when I want to talk, on my terms, when I am ready.
The people who understand the most, are those who have endured one. To which most say, I'm sorry, we went thru a ____ 1, 2, 5, 10 years ago. and they say nothing else, becuase they know, there are no perfect words, there is nothing that "really" makes it feel better. the other helpful one is :  We'll be praying for you.

With both there are unanswered questions of WHY? Why did God pick me to endure this? Did I do something to cause this? Could I have done something to avoid this? Do I want to potentially endure this again? Am I strong enough to endure this again? What can we do differently next time? Is there a next time for us?  I am having a tough time w/ the Is there a next time for us?

I really do not know if I am ready to try again, or if I can emotionally do this again. This one really hurt, it feels like I lost a part of myself. yes it was a part of me, but the empty void where my baby was housed in my uterus is even worse for me to not feel anymore.


This has been therapuetic for me to write out, I don't expect it to mean much to you if you haven't experienced any of these unfortunate events. If you do know someone going thru this, it might help them.