12-24 - Ten Years

About this very time 10 years ago, my world came crumbling down. My dad did not meet us at Christmas Eve mass, like we thought he was, but maybe he got forced to work at double ( he worked at a prison & couldn't leave unless enough people showed up to relieve them ). So knowing that he had to work again in the morning & that he probably wouldn't be home til late, my youngest sister & I decided to go to his condo & put his presents under the tree. So when I pulled up & saw his car in it's parking spot, I was befuddled.. Why hadn't he answered the phone.. We called like 50 times.

So we unlocked the door & went in, put the presents under the tree & noticed some unusual things laying out.. ( Like a pizza box ) ... She being the youngster , she was curious ( she was 12) She went running upstairs.. By now I was cautious & starting to panic.. I raced up with her.. not expecting to see him laying in bed, not responding to us. I immediately called 911 & then called my brother & sister to come over immediately.. I didn't tell them what was up, just that they needed to get there right away. I still remember touching his foot and it was cold & stiff. When the EMS arrived, they asked if I started chest compressions, I said no, he's dead, they said well how do you know.. I said what I can see is blue , cold & stiff.. Thankfully the 9-11 operator was talking to my younger sister & asked her to hang outside to wait for the people to come ( police, EMS ) so they kept her busy, a very nice female officer showed up ( officer Amanda) most police don't use first names, but it was very warming that she was kind enough to keep us at ease & not police jargon us.

At this point they were trying to figure out how long he had been deceased, so they called his work, who seriously hung up on me when I called, they thought it was a bad joke.. So the officer had to call back & talk to them. Then I had to make the decision what funeral home to call to come & pick him up. The hospital pronounced him, without making them transport him. Thankfully my brothers friend came with him, who is a cop in a neighboring city, he talked w/ the cops & dealt with most of that stuff with us, but then I had to call my grandmother to tell her, her son had passed, and all his siblings. Not the thing I wanted to do on Christmas Eve.

I've mentioned before that I see 12 23 all the time.. I know in my heart, that he passed on 12/23.
We didn't have an autopsy, done, after much diliberation( only because it would have delayed the funeral by another week, and wouldn't have given us the answers we were looking for ) but the funeral directors, were able to estimate by rigor/etc, how long he had been deceased. Which would have put him onto 12/23. It was(still is ) to imagine my dad passing on my birthday, and then 4 years ago, my grandfather passed on 12/23.

Thankfully my husband doesn't question, when I disappear for the entire day of 12/24 and just spend it doing whatever I want.. Most of which is just driving around aimlessly. To the gentlemen who helped me at Starbucks today, he must have thought I was a crazed lunatic. Ordering my  tall hot chocolate, balling my eyes out. My dad went to Starbucks almost every day for a grande black coffee. I had to stop in today to commerate him.  Had my phone been working right, I was going to show a picture of my dad to the barista, who has worked there that long & would know him.

So thanks to the power of FaceTime. I took my sister (who lives in Cape Cod)  with me to the cemetery. She cried the entire time with me, as we visited my grandpa's grave first & then crunched in the snow all the way over to my dad.. I left him a starbucks coffe..  & I laid down on the cold ground, in the chilly 15 degrees and fresh snow & made a snow angel for him.
**update** my sister texted me, she said the best gift she'll get all Christmas, she was so glad to be able to visit my dad.. Many thanks to my honey for letting me get the i-phone so I can share these moments with my sister who is so far away.