In attempt to clear my head this weekend, I took a couple drives in the car, to try & get everything out of my head.
1) Listening to Christmas music, did not help. Made me cry even more.
2) Made me think of my little ones in heaven even more.
3) Missing my dad & grandpa who passed on Dec 24 & Dec 23.
4) Nothing seems consoling to me.
Let's just say I know the progesterone is messing with my head now. ( side effect ). Getting a new compounded version for this weeks shot. ( thank goodness!! )
I'm having a hard time with the "Joyous" time of year, when all seem to be reminded of are the sad moments.
Most people don't get it.
Insensitve things I've heard. "Just get over it" "Move on" " you can't live in the past".
It's hard to say this, but I'm fearful for the little one in utero, as God seems this time of year, that he taketh away from me always. All day everyday, he's down there telling me he's okay & kicking away, I just have a hard time shaking that fear. At midnight when we were still up kicking away, I swear he "farted" knowing where is little tush is, I swear it was him trying to get me to crack a smile.
I'm so sorry that things have been tough this week. Holidays have a way of reminding us of what we've lost...and all these hormones we have racing around inside our bodies don't help either, do they?! Hang in there and as much as you can, give it all to God. He will carry you through this rough patch!
ReplyDeletePrayers. I think this is all so natural. August is a time of reminders and loss for me, so it was oddly a relief to me that I got pregnant in September and wouldn't have to do august. Just keep taking it day by day, I think my worries increased the last month or so, too- you're so close you just start thinking even more about what could go wrong. Praying for you, and if hope you find some joy in this Advent and Christmas season.
ReplyDeleteI remember having days like that in the weeks before having Joseph. Praying for you and cheering for you in these last stages of wonder even though so much sadness seems to be in your memories right now! I remember crying uncontrollably for Thanksgiving break before Joseph was born and there were lots of horrible things happening in the world around me but the fact that I was praising God for my little miracle every day seems to lighten the darkness that tried to overwhelm, hoping you find relief soon. The meds can't be helping those emotions but they are helping somehow in ways that count!! Keep your chin up, YOU CAN DO THIS!!! God is backing you up, EACH MOMENT OF THE DAY!!!
ReplyDeleteThe holidays are so hard sometimes, and with all that's happened during your holidays, that really does make it so much harder! Praying for you in these next few weeks.
ReplyDeleteDon't listen to Christmas music or those wretched "get over it" comments...just listen to that baby telling you he's okay. HE knows!
ReplyDeleteSounds like your little guy has a sense of humor, trying to cheer you up. Prayers for peace for you.
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