My recommendation list for Support after a Miscarriage, Stillborn, or Infant Loss. Why do I publish this list? Some people are generally interested in learning how to support a friend or family member who is experiencing one of these types of losses, maybe you just experienced one of these losses, maybe it's been 2-3 years since your loss(but it still feels like it is yesterday), maybe you are in a womens group & want to know how to support someone in their loss. I don't claim to be an expert, but I have suffered a
missed miscarriage at 14 1/2 weeks and a stillborn loss at 21 weeks. If you ever have to use any of these resources, I hope they help or are a starting point for you..
Let's start with everyone experiences Grief, Loss, Trauma, and Comfort differently.
If you are reading this, because you have suffered a loss of your child, I send my deepest sympathies to you and your husband. Please know you are not alone. Please don't let yourself suffer alone.
If you are reading this, because you want to offer support to someone. Please let them grieve. Offer to listen. Offer to cook them a meal, or clean their house. Offer but don't force yourselves on them. When they are ready, they will talk & they will take you up on things.
The problem in general I experienced with people giving me resources, is what they thought were good intentions were frustrating for me. Local people had recommended support services, that didn't exist, or support groups that were not close(distance) or non existent (exsisted on a piece of paper only)
Website Resources
Faces of Loss is a wonderful source if you are the type of person, wanting to read about other peoples stories, it helped me realize, that a lot of the things I was going thru were normal, OK, and that I was not the only woman going thru these things. I was able to read about some of the difficult things I wasn't able to ask anyone. Like when I asked my night nurse if my milk was going to come in, she gave me this clueless look, she said she would check with someone, and I never heard back from her. If you are a writer, you can also write your story, submit it, and be one of the "faces" of women on the page. The page covers all sorts of loss; miscarriage, stillborn, infants born alive & passed shortly after birth, etc. There are many search options on the page, so you can search for ladies from your state, your type of loss, etc.
Faces of Loss from their website:
Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope is a place for us to come together and share our stories and our faces with others who may be looking for reassurance that they are not alone. My hope is that Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope becomes a place for new members of this “babyloss club” to come and read hundreds of other stories, and see hundreds of other faces like theirs, all in one place.
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15 Things You thought you knew about Miscarriage
Blog who posts her & other people's stories about miscarriage & loss.
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National Share, is a site with resources for finding professional help, local support groups, and has resources to train hospital staff about pregnancy/infant loss.
Share site for Pregnancy/Infant Loss
Types of early pregnancy Losses They define the different types of miscarriages & what commonly women experience in each type of miscarriage.
Definition of stillborn Simply the explanation of a stillbirth.
Infant loss. Briefly explains Infant/
neonatal loss is the death of a baby who was born alive and died shortly after birth.
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Angel Kisses is a local to me organization, that has a website, that has resources, they also raise funds to train local hospital staff on pregnancy/infant loss. They also have worked with a large local hospital (the one with highest level NICU in the area) to make a "room" that grieving parents/family, can go to for comfort, that does not have pictures of "newborn" babies, etc.
Angel Kisses they also have resources on their website for national agencies, national support groups, books, blogs, other websites. I did find that a lot of the "local" to me resources are not active. This may be different in your area.
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I learned of
October 15th . It's not only just another day on the calendar, it is a day we remember our angel babies, as this is a national day of rememberance for Pregnancy & Infant Loss. They aim to bring awareness to infant loss, so parents and families do not have to grieve alone, or grieve in silence.
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The miss foundation, focuses on C.A.R.E. Counseling. Advocacy. Research. & Education
MISS Foundation They have links to support groups, the refer to counselors, they send support packets, they can get you in contact with a peer mentor,(great for the places like mine that do not have active support groups), they monitored online support groups. They have a great TOOLBOX area, with areas for funerals, responding to insensitive remarks!!!, they have an area for fathers, grandparents, and children. You can also register your child's birth(day) and/or date of death, during that month they list all the children registered.
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You can have your child(ren) remembered at the
Shrine of the Holy Innocents in New York.
from their website : Often children who have died before birth have no grave or headstone, and sometimes not even a name. At The Church of The Holy Innocents, we invite you to name your child(ren) and to have the opportunity to have your baby's name inscribed in our "BOOK OF LIFE". Here, a candle is always lit in their memory. All day long people stop to pray. On the first Monday of every month, our 12:15pm Mass is celebrated in honor of these children and for the comfort of their families. We pray that you will find peace in knowing that your child(ren) will be remembered at the Shrine and honored by all who pray here. If you give them your e-mail address they will send you a certificate from the shrine with your childs name on it. Comes in an e-mail as a PDF. The priest will also send you a nice "personalized' note from the shrine.
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Support for your husband
Grieving Dads - You learn, that your husbands and men in general grieve differently. This site, is written by a man who lost his daughter.
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This site discusses a 3 step grieving process. 1) Shock 2)Anger-Guilt-Depression 3) Acceptance. There is no set amount of time you spend in each process. You learn in acceptance, that you aren't the only one who has experienced this; but this doesn't mean going thru alone, they mention getting help, from other women, or professionally. It explains that men & women grieve differently, you may notice your husband more deeply involved in work; that is his way of grieving. Please note, they only mention this all for miscarriages, but I feel it is all very pertinent to a stillborn birth also.
Surviving Emotionally it comes from the site american pregnancy (dot) org. They have other useful information under the pregnancy concerns, during a pregnancy problem or for future pregnancy concerns.
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Site by Doulas who specialize in Stillbirth. Lots of support for stillborn support. Lots of questions answered. There is support for making a birth plan & what to pack lists, if you know that you are going into labor early with a stillborn/pregnancy loss. There is a bereavement area. An area about celebrating the life of your child. Also about subsequent pregnancies.
Still Birthday's
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Unspoken Grief is a site about breaking the silence of stillborn & miscarriage. Women can share their stories. Sometimes it helps to read & know that you are not alone.
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Some women may need this information after a stillbirth.
Lactation suppression after stillbirth . Your body starts stimulating your milk hormones about month 3. From what I've read from other peoples experiences, if you have nursed a previous child, you have a greater chance of your milk fully coming in, if you have a stillbirth. All women no matter first or subsequent births at any gestational age of their stillbirth, may experience milk coming in, to varying degrees. The link has remedies, to help relieve the physical & emotional pain of milk coming in, and explains how to dry your supply up, or how to pump & donate to milkbanks. Remember Hot stimulates milk , cold will help suppress it, it may not come in right away, it may happen, a week or 2 later.
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Legislation Pending
If you have a moment you might want to sign this petition
Parental Bereavement Leave (The Farley-Kluger Initiative to Amend the FMLA)
http://www.petition2congress.com/
I could have benefited from a defined " leave time" from work. If you have a minute, go on & sign the petition. Spending a minute on the topic. I did speak to HR after I had returned to work( after 2 weeks). I asked if I could have stayed out longer/ or if it should have been shorter. Their answer to me was "grey" area. I would get 1 week bereavement for loss of a immediate family member. But additional time to heal from my birth, she said, if I came in with a doctors note, for XX time off off, I would have been put on short term disability ( not full pay ). I ended up "working" from home for the period of time I was out, and did not lose any pay or benefits. I don't know what my doctor would have written me out for, cuz his instructions were try to get back to "normal". My proponent for a longer time off; if I did have a baby to take care of I would have 6 weeks automatically off to care for the baby & heal myself. When I left the hospital. I was given the same instructions as a new mom, I just have no baby to care for. No strenuous activity, no intercourse, no baths, no swimming, lots of rest. So yes I could have benefited from a longer leave. Thankfully I don't have a strenuous job. But I definitely could benefit from more rest.
Books/Pamplets
After Miscarriage by Karen Edmisten. A Caholic Women's compantion for Healing & Hope.
Stories, prayers, poems, journal entries, and some Catholic resources in the book. Stories from the author and other women who have experienced miscarriage(s).
In the hospital I was given:
Empty Arms by Sherokee Ilse
It covers a lot of the initial feelings that you may experience right away. It also goes thru all the "decisions" you will have to make in the first weeks. In my opinion it is more for Stillborn/Infant loss. It's not a long read, there are no personal stories in the book.
You can find the book & other loss books at :
A Place to Remember
The other good resource they gave us at the hospital was :
A Fathers Grief, A Mothers Grief & A Grandparents Grief. They are small pamphlets. They are also available at A place to Remember.
The series has short paragraphs. Some of the topics in the mens were: mourning, feelings of loss, intimacy, are we ready to try again, and resolving differences. The grandparents were; how to mourn the loss of their grandchild, supporting their child. The series touches on a bunch of topics, but doesn't go too in depth. Good for someone like my husband who does not want to sit down & read a book.
A Place to Remember also has other remembrance items available for purchase for your baby.
"From Hurt to Healing" published by the March of Dimes. It didn't help me much & led to some of my early weeks feeling of depression. It said that a lot of couples break up or divorce because of these types of situations. The pamphlet did not focus enough on SUPPORT.
Facebook Groups.
There are several private groups, you need to find the right one for you.
Doctor Support
I called my doctors office to cancel my future appointments I had scheduled. The receptionist I talked to on the phone, was super sensitive to everything, she asked how I was doing, said if I ever needed to talk, to call any time. She stressed that If I had questions, for the doc to call anytime & she would make sure they got attended to. I did have an appointment with my doctor 1 week after I got out of the hospital, he sat and gave me undivided attention. We meet with him at 6 weeks to go over all our testing/results from genetics/placenta/blood work. We planned a last appointment of the day so we don't have to see/deal with a lot of people in the office. We asked to sit in an office & talk vs. an exam room. Make sure you can call and get help from your doctor if you are feeling postpartum depression or physically not well.
Discerning Future Pregnancies.
Another blogger wrote an excellent post about discerning pregnancy after a loss. Please take a read from Dwija at
House Unseen. It sums up a lot of the discernment I went thru also.
