Taboo topics..
Most people assume that stillbirth is rare. Probably not as rare as you might think.
Statistically 1 in 160 births ends in stillbirth. Stillbirth is defined as pregnancy for a gestational age over 20 weeks.
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The statistic I am not comfortable with--- 90% of stillbirth parents end up splitting up/divorcing. That is a scary statistic people.
WHY? Do couples blame each other? I just can't grasp my head around this one. Read the poem above. Do people just drift apart. I don't understand how that happens? Lack of communication, does this mean, that one person suffered thru the stillbirth, alone without support of the other? I will admit, that after a loss, a lot of the material, they provide focuses mainly on the needs of the mother. Not the mother & father, or the couple, just the mother. It took 2 people to create this child. Two people need to come together to support each other and communicate.
I will bet my husband is glad I'm returning to work ( outside of the house ) this week. I will bet he will be ready for silence. He might tell you I talk a lot; it may not be about anything super important, but I'm talking to him constantly. We are communicating people !!
We went out for a Date on Thursday night, had Date night -in- on Friday night, and went out for a Date on Sunday afternoon. He realized that we needed to get out as a couple, he would rather stay-in and go to bed at 8:30. I however would rather get out. So we had a give & take kind of date night weekend.. Out for me one night, stay in watch movies for him kind of night, and then out on Sunday afternoon to a movie, we both wanted to see.
( movie recap - American Sniper **** Let's be Cops * Boyhood *** )
Key to banishing this statistic Communication + Love
Notice I didn't say anything about between the sheets, that is not going to fix anything. If you need some SPICE ideas, I wrote about them recently.
+Peace+
Isn't that a scary statistic? When we went through our loss (even though Gregory hadn't gotten past 20 weeks), the hospital was pretty clear that the two of us needed to grieve together -- even if in different ways. During my grief therapy sessions, the therapist reminded me that I needed to communicate with my husband... we did pretty well getting out for date nights and such. We're so busy with things now, that we aren't getting out as much, but we did this weekend and I am glad. Communication is so key. And also allowing each other the time, space and permission to grieve is also important.
ReplyDeleteAll very true! One thing I forget is space. I realize now my husband needs to have his time alone, space, and to dive deep into his work.
DeleteDefinitely an eye opener. Communication in grief is so important.
ReplyDeleteThanks Madeline !
DeleteI had no idea about that statistic either...I bet some couples who are not strong in love and faith may get very weak after such a tragic event. Emotions are so raw and so real some people probably can not handle it. Wow. That is good that you and your dh are not going to be part of that statistic. You two are communicating and taking out time for each other. It's a blessing you two are strong in faith (from what I've read on this blog) and a couple who keeps God in their marriage....stay strong! I know faith as helped my dh and I through the many challenges we've had to face together.
ReplyDeleteIt seems weird to say this, but I think infertility, has prepared us for this. It is still hard to grasp.
DeleteIt's so sad to think it can tear a couple apart. My husband and I have grown closer through this, but we've also been more irritable and extra sensitive at times. It's definitely a balancing act. What I love the most about my husband right now is that he doesn't want to let himself forget Lily. I told him I thought he might like some type of bracelet with her name (I was thinking leather) and then he found this...I love that it will have Lily's footprints and he will be able to look at it everyday and think of her. https://www.etsy.com/listing/167517995/personalized-paracord-survival-bracelet?
ReplyDeleteI fear all the time he might be forgetting her and I think that's what might tear people apart. My body reminds me every day and every day I think about what would be different if she were here. I think it's so important to talk, talk about everything and talk about it often.
All so true. I can't imagine bottling it all up & not talking.
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