Not the way I envisioned things

@@@ pregnancy mentioned@@@@ so if you aren't in a place to read this, I'm not offended if you stop now.

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So when I found out I was pregnant for a third time, in June, I was shocked. It is still a surprise to those who chart!!  

We were overjoyed to try the pregnancy thing again. 

At my first appt. ( week 5) my dr assured that this time around would be much different. I just didn't grasp HOW different this pregnancy would be after 2 prior losses. 

My doc did lots if bloodwork in the beginning. Along with weekly appointments and weekly ultrasounds. One of the tests came back positive for some strange infection. So I took several rounds of antibiotics to kill it ( took a month & half to get rid of it completely). I made all the appointments, whenever was convenient for the doctor and staff. I also was asked to abstain from relations with my husband, I case the strain of infection was being transmitted that way(initally unsure how I got it) we did not know what caused the infection. So we followed dr. orders.

Then because of 2 trimester loss ( & prior miscarriages)  dr. asked  that we consult with the hospitals  MFM ( maternal fetal specialist). 

So at about 10 weeks I started seeing my ob & the MFM on alternate weeks, but so that I'm seeing one of them a week. I also  don't see  any other dr in either practice,  both do a cervical check each week and ultrasound. The Cervical checks by the same person are so they  have a good"feel" of what my "normal" is.

At 20 weeks I was lucky enough that they decided to test my blood again & made me do a fasting bloodsugar & I failed it ( by 2 points ). SO I then had to go to some gestational diabetes class, I test my blood sugar 3-4 times a day. I have to send a weekly log to the MFM office. I was threatened warned that if show a pattern of high readings, that they will immediately put me on insulin. So I have adopted a strict diet. Lots of protein, very little carbs & very little grains, no wheat products. I get a cheat in maybe once a week. So all those fall comfort foods like mac n cheese, chicken pot pie, apple pie, apple cider or cider mill donuts; are all out the door. I can only have snacks if only 2 hours after a meal & i've tested my blood sugar. When I wake up at 4 am & hungry, I'm not allowed a snack either. I have not gained any weight since like 10 weeks, and at that my total weight gain hovers right around 4 lbs. seeing that peanut weighs about2.5 lbs and another couple lbs in placenta & extra blood & fluid. 

( hard to see fresh bagels on the counter & not able to take a bite) 

Or making treats for the bake sale fundraiser ( and not taste testing) 

So at my 26 week appointment I asked my doctor, if we could lighten up on some of the "restrictions" i.e. relations, diet etc.  He said we will look at it at 28 weeks ( this Friday Appt ) since the babe has much better % of survival if born early. Even though he has a high % suspuscion that my losses have occured because of the infection that I had ( something my body harbored, unknowlingly, without any signs for all this time -something that would only manifest & cause harm in pregnancy, but would only be tested if multiple losses occur ) .

So at my 27.3 week appt at the MFM, I was informed by the nurse manager, that at 32 weeks I, have the great joy of gettting to visit the MFM dept 3 x a week for  fetal non-stress tests (NST)  & a BPP ( biophysical profile with doppler).  Something no one had brought up til now. She said likely I won't get out of them, cuz I fit too many of the "risk" categories.  Prior 2 tri loss, multiple losses, gest diabetes(even though controlled) & AMA ( advanced age ). So yeah.. I was not thrilled.  On top of that the OB schedule has me going in weekly then and I have to go once a week for my progesterone shot. ( here, they don't believe in letting you do on your own --still working on it though ).  All the while work keeps asking how long will I be working.

So the secretary at the MFM office, asked me this week " how are you doing" she's a nice cheery lady ( about 10 + years older than I ). I smiled and said fine.. She then gave me a story, about how with each of her 2 kids, whom she adores, she hated being pregnant. Not that she didn't want to be a mother, but that she was diagnosed with some of the same stuff as I & spent a lot of time with restrictions, which made her miserable.. She said so when moms come in & say  "fine" she knows deep down we are miserable.  I said well you caught me !! I said love my son more than anything, but I just want things to be "normal" I said I want to be that cute mom with the bump, talking about eating oreo's to calm her cravings..  I said instead.. I'm eating plain greek yogurt at every other meal. I feel like i'm starving myself & my kid. I can't be close with my husband. I can't even get away for a weekend vacation, because of the 'schedule' I'm on with all these appointments.. so yes.. I'm miserable. I said my entire family is in Florida this week  on a all expense paid vacation.. & yep i'm here to keep my appointments with your office.. to get 1 minute with a dr. who says.. yep all fine.. So I rebelled a little when she told me that they wanted me to come in the week of Thanksgiving ( I have the entire week off ) I said NO ! I said the dr. is taking the week off, I'm not coming. I said I know my body, if anything is wrong I know where to come, but I need a week off. Secretary & the nurse both gasped & I said.. schedule it if you want, but I'll be AMA that week.  

We had a longer conversation about NST & BPP's & I said if it works in my schedule I'll try to make what you want, but I'm not driving an hour in any snow storm to get here.. ( which would make it alot longer commute ) for you to say.. all okay. I said you have to trust that I know my body. I said.. when I had issues last year.. & I came in, when I was listening to my body, Dr. XXX ignored me & sent me home which caused a lot of the issues. I said.. so don't lecture me about all these tests.. which I think are way over the top ( and $$$ ).  

I have my weekly appt with my OB on Friday, I will discuss in more detail with him. He generally is more reasonable. So maybe we can come to some happy medium.