To help, or not to help.

To help, or not to help. That is the question. 

My BIL had another set back this past weekend.  This also coincided with his 3 year old sons birthday.
The set backs lately have involved overtaking prescription's not prescribed to him. This forced my sister to leave her house again, with the 2 kids & camp out at my mom's house for 4 days. I guess this one involved some screaming & yelling at each other that the kids & my other sister happened to walk in on, before she left the house on Thursday.

I keep hearing in sickness and in health, ringing in my ears, but I wonder if he truly is sick, or he is just a lazy, leaching bum. ( well I have more choice words for him, but I'll be nice here ).  After seeing him this weekend, fresh off his little binge, I truly don't think he wants to get better.  Its sad, but he's using ever excuse in the book not to get help. He's left an inpatient rehab program(April). Stopped going to outpatient therapy; cuz he doesn't like groups, totalled my sisters car; blamed it on an animal, that no witnesses saw, has scraped the car so bad it's had to be repainted 2 times; the excuse to those was he got side swiped in the parking lot. I'm scared because he just got his license back after having it taken away after the April-totalling the car incident.  My sister claims, she's not buying him a car, but he has parents & grandparents, that will do anything for him(i.e. give money), except help truly him. My sister also said after dealing with this secretly for 3 years, that she would leave if he did it again, because the threats are getting more real. But she's stayed the last 3 times he's done it, because, he was sorry.. ( his M.O. ) every time.. once he comes down off whatever, he's remorsefull. His set backs date back almost 3 years.  He's been found outside almost dead, after he downed a bottle of vodka with some sleeping pills. He's spent several overnights in the hospital, complete with being restrained by my step dad ( who works at the hospital). My sister has spent $$ on a lawyer, for his DUI that totalled the car ( at 4in the afternoon ) + the money she spends on his probation, & community service( he refuses to do ) so she has to pay. I know when you are married, that finances are joint & all, but it's a little lopsided here. Sitting around all day doing nothing.. just isn't working for me anymore.

My sister is generally a smart girl. degree professional with MBA. but when it comes to him. She is dumb.
She says she loves him, but not the same love as when they got married. She wants to see him get better. He was the Stay at home dad before this all happened. so he hasn't worked in a few years. He is not an educated person, like her. She & his probation officer have been encouraging him to get a JOB.. it will occupy his time.. but he's not motivated. He is the true definition of a leach. When she comes home, she still has to cook, clean, take care of the kids, he is of no value anymore to any of these things.

Sister # 3 & I tried to have a mini -intervention with her late on Saturday after the birthday party, when the kids were in bed.  My mom will say nothing to her, she's just "there" for her, when she needs a place to go.
We tried talking to her & she got really defensive & said we just don't understand. I said, please help us understand why a smart intelligent person like yourself, is continually letting this person, drag you down. She literally has not allowed any of her friends over to her house, has not told a single friend anything because she is embarrassed. Only our mom- step dad, & brother & sissters know ( well & my husband ) no one else has spouses. We told her we love her, but we can't continue to sit around & watch him do this anymore to you.
Each time something happens with him, we can't imagine, that it has come to this, yet again, he does something the next time to top it.  I honestly thought totalling the car, was rock bottom. People tell me that until he hits rock bottom, he won't seek help. What is rock bottom?

All this caused a lot of tension between me & hubs this weekend. He says he doesn't want help & she won't leave & doesn't want to use anyones advice,  so she gets no more help. We've offered her monetary help, a place to stay, free babysitting, etc.  I've  told her I will be here no matter what! My husband & I .. have told her she has done everything in her power to get him to seek help.. and that she needs to leave for the safety & well being of herself & the kids. Hubs says no more help for her, it's hard, I said I just can't kick her to the curb ( figuratively) like that. He says when me & my mom & sister, stop being her enabler, she'll finally do something.  I fought that this was not the right thing to do. But the more I think about it, he is somewhat right.. (but don't tell him I said so)

The BIL's parents, want him to see a psychiatrist They are big pill pushers. Meaning they think their is a pill to cure everything. They are, I believe part of his problem. My argument to this. 1) he'll use it as an excuse to pop more of what he's used to doing, because he'll think it's legal cuz he has a prescription for it. 2) Not going to fix the problem. 3) their will be more pills just 'left lying around the house, for a walking 10 month old to pick up & swallow.  4) masking a deeper problem.  BIL is an only child & BIL's mom has lost 2 brothers to druge OD's. One would think she might be a little more supportive/helpful in getting her son help.  Plus the iritating thing is BIL'mom  gave BIL a list of dr's names & told him to call & make the appt.. Yes on one hand that makes him show initiative to want to seek help, but on the other hand. So what happens when he doesn't... leaving the options to an unmotivated individual, is not smart.  Oh yeah hisparents with the PSY degree (NOT) think he has anxiety, which is causing his set backs. So by the numbers, this set back was because his kid had a birthday party, last one, because he had to go meet his probation officer, before that , because he had to go to court for DUI, before that, holiday weekend, before that holiday , the list just goes on ..

I think my sister is still in shock that 2 of us talked to her about it at the same time.. She hasn't called or talked to either of us since then. ( unusual ). Reading into it, I think she's mad at us. I just worry, that all this time she spends taking off of work, that her very supportive boss, might become unsupportive & she might lose her very good job. I also think after the talk with her, she thinks he won't be able to get medical help if they are divorced, because he doesn't have a job , & won't be able to get a job with health benefits. So that's her justification for staying. She also thinks that if she produced some papers to kick him out of the house ( note everytime something happens she leaves the house w/ the kids) that he will do something drastic & not reversible.

 I worry that if they do get divorced, that our screwed up custody system, will let him have unsupervised visits with a 10month old & 3 year old, who are not old enough to seek help if something went awry, during a visit.

So I am torn.

So back to the first question of the post, to help or not to help? 


**Sorry to air all the dirty family secrets today, but it has relieved so much stress just typing this all out. I'm not going to even spell check it, because, it will start my mind going more. I hope you can live with the bad grammar today.