Why I'm not mad at my doctor.

Why I'm not mad at my doctor. . .

He is a wonderful Catholic OBGYN. He gives freely of his talents. He is always speaking somewhere about NFP    Video .   He's talented. He is a true family man. He is kind. He is compassionate.

I've had 2 surgeries with him. Never once doubted his care. I have supplemented his care with the help of NaPro doctor out of state, who both graciously work together for the betterment of me.

I've been under his care since 2007.  I know I can call at any time, I need anything; and know the ways around the "office" politics. He never refuses to double book( or triple book ) an appointment to see me anytime. He never rushes an appointment. He spends as much time as I need with him.

During an appointment he blessed my baby/uterus with a relic of JPII ( brought in by another patient).   He wears a pin with the blessed mother on his lab coat.

In my most recent pregnancy, he treated me with utmost care and respect. He never "made me feel uncomfortable" like the fragile "high risk" patient that I was. He knows I am the patient that is going to research everything.  He never pushed anything on me, that I did not feel comfortable with. He was always willing to discuss, and we were always able to come to a happy medium ( i.e flu shots, gestational diabetes treatment, etc. )

He is always there to listen, let me cry, and calm my fears.

He never sugar coated anything. I saw him at 5weeks and pretty much every week for the remainder of the pregnancy. He let me know right in the beginning, that it would be a long road, that I was going to get sick of coming; he was going to have to ask us to do ( or not do ) things he hated to ask patients to do. So we were asked to abstain from marital relations ( so that I did not pick up any unknown infections or aggrivate my cervix).  I had weekly & sometimes twice weeklly appointments. He wanted all my PIO shots done at his office. I put more miles on my car, driving 45 minutes to his office for appointments. I'm not complaining one bit, I'm just reminded these were all sacrifices I ( we ) made; because we wanted the best for David.

In the begining Dr. G, said, it would be a long road, and that he could not guarantee a specific outcome, but as long as I put 100% into it, and gave it my all, we would have no regrets.

 I'm sure his pep talk, was because after we lost Andrew, I went into somewhat of a mild post partum depression, funk, because I doubted, was I the cause for him passing, could I have done, X , Y , Z differently. He recommended a wonderful Maternal Fetal Medicine -specialist. Who became a part of the team for my pregnancy with David.  With Andrew they were able to narrow down the cause of stillborn to either infection or incompetent cervix. So we were treated for both, during David's pregnancy. Early on, I found out I carried some rare infection, that only is an issue when pregnant. So we treated that for 8 weeks, and all was cleared as normal. We still did the weekly checks for incompetent cervix to be safe; had we not, it may have been one of the "what if  we would have done that differently" questions.

Once I made it past the milestones we had set..  Past Andrew's 21 week, timeframe. Past 24 weeks, ( viability )  Past 28 weeks. ( better odds ) .  Past 32 weeks ( we finally told our family around this time, assuming everything would end with a baby in our arms. ). We started twice weekly appointments with a BPP(ultrasound ) and twice weekly NST's. All were smooth sailing.

I can be mad that my body, I believe is to blame. I feel like my body is broken. I was diagnosed early in the pregnancy with Gestational Diabetes. I was able to treat with major diet modifications. I had okay progesterone, but was supplemented with weekly PIO injections. All 3 of my pregnancies my placenta has been anterior; not sure if that is a factor in anything important; ( noting for the history). With Andrew I did not gain a lot of weight.. but being only 21 weeks, not much weight gain would have been expected yet.   With David; my weight gain, never went more than 5lbs. The last month of pregnancy, I actually didn't gain, but I lost weight. I never got "big". I never looked like I was "more than 6 months pregnant" I am not a petite framed person, but also not grossly overweight. In the 2 weeks since his birth, I am down 15lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. 

I won't go in for a follow up for another 2 or 3 weeks. At that point, I don't expect to have a definitive answer to why? I just know I will have Dr. G's full support for whatever we decide to do.

So Dr. G was at the March for Life, when all the stuff unfolded with David. I don't begrudge him for being gone. He was being a parent & a chaperone for his high schoolers trip to the March. We had a talk about family time; we own a business, his practice is very demanding & we said we respect his vacation time away. We said we completely understand, making the time to devote to your family.

As soon as Dr. G was back to work Sunday evening, after arriving back from the March, he called me. I was eating dinner, so my cell was off.  He left a message and kindly offered his sympathy, asked me how I was doing, and left his home # for me to call him back. Since I was "fine" I opted not to interrupt his family time & just would call the office on Monday. When I called on Monday, they don't have voicemail, and he did not have office hours that day- so I hung up. I had e-mails from the nurse at the specialist office, asking how I was doing, and said Dr. G had asked about me. I said I was "fine" and that I didn't want to bother him; cuz I was fine. Well come Tuesday, he was in the hospital all day, he called me from his cell phone ( yes I already had his cell # too ). So I picked up the phone, he offered his sympathies, asked how I was doing, & wondered why I hadn't called him back. I said I was fine. I was at Peace with what happened. I said you have a family & that I was physically fine, so I could wait til we met later in the month. He gave me the talk about taking time for my "self" and that I am always a selfless person, that I needed to make sure I was taking care of my "self" .. he wanted me to know he is always here to talk, answer questions, and to please call if anything arises.  He let me know that if he received anything "important" from test results, he would let me know ASAP, otherwise, we would talk at my follow up.  

He also wanted me to know, that my attitude in the hospital, positively affected/changed a few people on staff; view of a stillbirth. He said he missed being able to share in the experience with me. I told him, we had the peaceful birth we desired. I told him I appreciated that he was at the March defending for the unborn.  

So between Dr. G & the specialist Dr. M - they both were deeply hurt for our loss, but I am at Peace knowing that we did everything they asked, and God needed David in heaven.

Dr. M , being super optimistic, has already said, Next Time.   Our discernment has not happened, yet, to whether a next time will be sought, but we know they are working on a plan. If no definitive cause, is determined; if there is a next time, they will likely induce me at an earlier point in the pregnancy, in the neighborhood of 33-37 weeks. Could mean more frequent appointments this time.. I joked & said, should I move in ( to the hospital ).  They like that I have a good attitude about it.